new song

I can't remember the last time I wrote a song. This one sorta just came to me.

Doctor & Patient

I am calm & collected,
the best I've ever been.
I can't let you get under my skin.

& I am fine, cause I told that
to myself 500,000 times
& like everything else, it is in my mind.

But there are times when I close
my eyes & I just can't decide
if all I'm doing hiding.

Cause I'm
frustrated. & that's an understatement.
All this built up pressure,
I've got to let it out.
I'm frustrated, cause there is no room
when I'm torn in two;
I'm the doctor & the patient.

You could give in & break everything.
That's one way to handle things.

& you could cut off everyone you know
& live in this black hole alone.

Or you could realized that none of that ever works
& in fact it just makes everything worse.

We've all been here more than a few good times,
so how about we do this one right?

I am calm & collected,
the best that I've ever been.
I can't let me get under my skin.

& I am fine, cause I told that
to myself 500,000 times
& like everything else it is in my mind.

You got one thing right

when you said that I kept trying to change things about myself because I couldn't change anything about you.

But then

I just can't stop fucking crying. The second my mind stops being busy, my eyes flood with tears, & a feeling of worthlessness & being unwanted just consumes me. It's horrible & I hate it & I wish I always always worked to keep myself busy because now I have no one to talk to & I feel so incredibly alone & i should have never invested that much responsibility into one single person. The responsibility of being the one person I had left to talk to, could tell everything to, the only person I hung out with, & the only person I slept next to. Christ, & now I have to go out looking for friends, which never works. That's the kind of thing that's supposed to naturally happen, & definitely doesn't when I so desperately need it. So now I'm this pathetic thing who only has a pathetic blog to get things out of my mind. I just want someone to hold me or something & tell me things are going to be ok... but there isn't anyone like that for me. I mean, I can only dream that I had a mom that I told everything to, that I had that kind of relationship. My sister would be the closest person, but I mean, she's 12 & she wouldn't understand on the level that I'd want her to. But do I want someone to listen to me talk, or give me advice? Both, I suppose.

But I'm so mad at him for springing this on me. & I'm mad that I'm surprised because I always thought it would have been something that I'd be in on. Like, I'd totally know a break-up was coming or something. & I hate being mad at him because it breaks my heart even more. & I can't decide if that's what I should embrace to get over him or just be all "well, it was fun while it lasted" like he's already being. & I just want to scream because there's all this pressure building up in my head. I just don't know how I want to handle myself, I don't know how I'll end up actually doing so.

But he held my hand & told me he loved me as he said that we should break up. & that's just not fair to me at all. because I have no idea how to think or feel. & WHERE did this all come from. I wasn't complaining & you never said anything. But then I would have made an effort to fix it, if you had. This is how you deal with things. But how does something just go from being so happy to nothing?

And you made me wait all week to be with you. You made me wait. & Whenever I would send you text messages saying that I missed you, you would ask me if you could still see me on Wednesday. & I had nothing to do all day, so I waiting around for you to get off work, & I thought of things that we could do that we didn't usually do. By us doing something different, I was thinking along the lines of cooking our own dinner or going for a drive or something. not breaking up. & I hate how that never even crosses my mind, but it's the first thing to come to yours.

I want to cry like a child. with the screaming & the yelling & nonstop flow of tears & the not holding back. I want to scream & cry until I'm tired & can't anymore.

But I have work in 3 hours, & if i did that, I would be an absolute mess.

I am the ugliest crier though. & jesus christ the area under my eyes stings so bad.

I don't know what to do :'(

New chapter

So here I go, out into "the world" (well, every day life I suppose) kind of alone in the sense that I don't have casual friends & I lost my boyfriend & (kind of) best friend (if I think about it) in one blow. But I guess I was too accepting, or too oblivious, with our lack of relationship. I was kind of alright with only seeing him once, maybe twice a week. I mean, I'm busy (well, not so much lately since my hours have been cut a little) & I know he's busy & I was okay with that. I don't know, I just had way too much hope for it. & I've kind of always sort of felt that I liked him more than he liked me, like I would always be a little more willing to give up something for him. I mean, not give up entirely, but things like making alternative plans for myself, & I didn't mind, it was what I wanted to do.

I can't write anymore.

Hospital visit

So yesterday I woke up with this intense chest pain. I pretty much couldn't walk around without clutching at my left boob in hopes of ripping out my heart. It actually still hurts a little bit, but at least I can walk/open my chest. It's more like an invisible bruise--just sore to the touch.

But yesterday my dad took me to the ER & I was there for a few hours. They did an EKG, pee test, (a pregnancy test?) & an x-ray. The doctor said that I probably have Costochondritis, which is inflamed rib cartilage.. or something like that.

"Costochondritis is a condition that causes chest pain due to inflammation of the cartilage and bones in the chest wall. Also called Tietze's Syndrome, costochondritis occurs when there is inflammation at the junction of the rib bone and breastbone (sternum). At this junction, there is cartilage joining these bones. This cartilage can become irritated and inflamed. Depending on the extent of the inflammation, costochondritis can be quite painful."

Oh, & Obama was elected president, which is pretty cool. I mean, to be honest, I voted for McCain, even though I kind of knew that Obama would win anyway, but this could be really cool. Hopefully things work out with the us & the rest of the world though. Israel: please dont drop a bomb on anyone. & I really hope that Obama doesn't pull all of the troops out right away. I mean, that would look soooo incredibly weak & make us vurnerable to another hit. I just wouldn't want us to end up with another war, in trying to end one.

It's getting late. I miss Forrest =/ We're supposed to hang out tomorrow, but I'm helping out with a shift till 5:30 & he doesn't get off until 7. So, probably not till 9 that we actually get together. I think we might need to do something new. Or maybe it's just me.. maybe I need to do something new for myself, but things (everything) have been so bland lately. I feel like I lost my ability to get excited & surprised. I'll find it though. It can't have gotten too far away.