Tuesday, April 28, 2009
There's something I'm terribly unsatisfied with.. but my problem is that I have no clue what it is. What I hate is that I'm thinking it's something I have to change about me.. something I should do differently, something I should think differently... Maybe it is though. Or maybe I'm starting to head down an unhappy hole like with my last relationship & I'm thinking the problem has to be anything but that. But that's just the thing, I have no clue which one it is. What I hate even more is that I might be slowly trying to tell myself "This is what normal is, please just get used to it & deal". Do I have to though? Should I have to? I should never have to do something in a relationship as if it were a chore. I shouldn't be like "ughhhhhh allllright then" with any of my thoughts. Maybe all relationships aren't supposed to all light & cheery & carefree as I'm wanting. Maybe real relationships are the ones where you fight & argue a lot & cry at least once a week. Saying that outloud sounds silly. Ugh, why do I always to do this myself & at night? & why do I always put my unhappy thoughts on here when I meant for this to be about happy things & pictures of good times? I swear I'm not unhappy 100% of the time; it just happens to be that I only write on here when I feel this way. Who else am I going to talk to about this stuff? My boyfriend? haaaaaaaaaaaaaa, yeah right. -_- I wish though. I wish I could talk about the way I feel & not have him take it as if I telling him I think he's "a shitty boyfriend". Conversations like that via text don't really get very far & so trying to progress our relationship doesn't get very far.
Did we not just nearly break up the other day though? I mean, I know we "made up" later that day, but I feel like all we did is just cover it up & say "all better!.. for now." We didn't really talk about it. But again, talking about it never really gets very far & it seems like we take turns with being at fault for that.
But I want more than he's giving me. & yes he does give me a lot... but I mean with little things that are going to stick in the back of my mind. & I wish he never told me that he doesn't have to try as hard now that he has me.. why wouldn't anyone want to try hard all the time for someone they wanted & loved? I'm just so confused about some things sometimes.
Still, something seems to always be on the tip of my tongue..
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
The night is not a good time for me. & I don't ever remember crying so much. It's like every single night I break down for a little while. What is it that I'm not getting in my day? What is it that I'm in absolute unconscious need for? It just sucks. & it sucks when the only person you talk to doesn't really talk to you, isn't really there to help, & really has no idea.
I just constantly feel alone & I can't handle it.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Why do I snoop through profiles on the internet? I know I don't care about.. them, & I know I don't want.. them anymore. So what's the deal stomach? So what if he has a picture with some other girl? Uhhhm, hello, you have a boyfriend. What the fuck do you care? But I don't care.. it's just weird, I think I got like instant jealousy & a slight whisper from the back of my mind "you never took pictures like that with me". Which then led to "...why wasn't I good enough?" but I don't want to go down that road of beating myself up for things that weren't/aren't my fault & that are faaar in the past.
It's just kind of weird to think about how fast things can change... & how a feeling so strongly felt for one person no longer exists & someone new is in that place. It's like the same amount of energy, same feeling, same actions, but with someone else. I guess just the thought of how interchangable love is sort of makes my stomach sick. I don't know.
But I don't want the past. That ended for a reason & it was unreal & unfair & one-sided & contstantly disappointing. It's just so easy for "not good enough" thoughts to creep up on me, especially when I'm already pretty lonely. I know it's not true & I guess now that I'm aware that I do that, I can point out when it happens & stop it.
Sounds like it's about time to schedule another apointment with the therapist. I need to learn how to keep myself together when I'm alone. Bah, it always makes me cry when "I'm totally alone, I have no one here for me, & there's no one to talk to" fill my head. Ahhhhh, stoppppp it!