Just a little pep talk.

I know my blog's been quite the Negative Nancy lately, & I'm sorry. That definitely wasn't the intention for making this thing & I need to keep that in mind. This one's supposed to be the bright cheery one. The one with pictures, & that's inspiring, & nostalgic, & more of an overall look of my days rather than a never-ending rant. That probably won't change anything the next time something upsetting comes along, but oh well. I figured it was about time for a change of pace for myself (since I've been so non-stop with school & just everything). I need to keep myself at a high positive level or else I'll crumble apart & lose everything, & I just don't have time for that.

Anyway, back to my reason for getting on here. I was just brushing my teeth when I had these thoughts starting to come into my head. It's probably been the best thing I've said to myself in a while, & I know I need it.

There are a thousand reasons to be unhappy; sitting & thinking about them is the easy way out. The challenge & admirable thing is to go against your odds to find & create your own good things. The world will never stop throwing shit your way & getting down about it is declaring forfeit. But we don't forfeit, we don't give up, & we don't lose. We win, every time. So keep your head up, stay optimistic, & always keep moving.

_

I fucking hate myself & the stupid fucking choices I make myself do. How I throw every off every fucking important thing in my life for the slight possibility of happiness even though history has proved that that wont happen. Why the fuck can't I just accept it? Why the fuck do I keep looking for & wanting something that isn't there, that will never be there, that was never there before but just some fucking mirage & fucking false advertising, some fucking trick to convince me it was the real deal. This is bullshit.

& again, why the fuck do I insist on having a boyfriend that can double as a best friend? Why the FUCK do I think that's possible for me? It's not. I need to stop pausing my life for this stupid fuck "love" shit.

I need to cut out everything negative in my life or I'm going to drown & kill myself & regret absolutely everything I'm trying to do down here for the rest of my life. This is what's real. I'm real, what I'm doing is real. Negativity, anger, frustration, crying, sadness, wanting to break something, screaming.. it's killing me, it's making me depressed, it's affecting everything I do, it kills my creativity, it kills my want to be creative, I don't set goals, I don't bother, I don't do anything extra, I don't care I'M FUCKING PISSED RIGHT NOW & I'M MAD THAT I'M ANGRY WHICH IS MAKING ME MORE MAD & there's not a goddamned thing I can do about it. Not a single person I can talk to. No one to calm me down, give me real honest good advice, no one that makes me feel like they're really there & that they really care & have my best interest at heart. I'm fucking stuck. How do I get myself out of this mess? without cutting off all my limbs? is that even possible?

I am alone, I just need to accept that & stop looking for someone else to fix my problems for me. I need to create my own happiness, depend on me to cheer myself up. This is it, this is what's real, this is what's still going to be here tomorrow.

You could at least pretend that you care.

I'm not even going to recap. I'm just going to start spewing out would say right now if I could send you a 100 page text, or yell at you one the phone.

I just told you that I felt that I was going to start pulling away form you & you basically just say "ok"? Why do I feel completely worthless right now? & if you actually do agree with my statement, well why the fuck did you waste my time for so long, convincing me of this bullshit that means nothing to you, that's just a bunch of fucking made up words. Why am I so hurt right now?

I have no one to talk to this about. I am completely falling apart. I am so completely alone, & I'm not ready to just "get over it" because the stupid part of me still really wants you & wants everything to work. I know once I close that door, I will never, ever let it be opened to you again. & I told you I was making my way for you & you pretty much like "here, let me get that for you" & holding it open so that I can quickly leave.

Thanks.