It's kind of like walking to the end of a dock at night & staring out into pure nothingness. A nothingness that goes on forever with no end & not a single speck of light to help your eye relate the distance. And you know what's supposed to be out there & you try to squint your eyes to see if you can see it..
But it's not there. & it never will be there. & you know this. Yet you still hope that maybe a boat will go by or something will light up... so you sit there & wait. Waiting for nothing, while staring at nothing, while doing nothing, & surrounded by nothing.
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
But nothing is infectious. Nothing can grow & spread faster than you realize, if there's a small enough gap for it to wiggle it's way into. Nothing can be breathed in & sink into your chest, fan out it's little fingers & slowly, one by one, touch every organ & cell, spreading its nothingness & turning everything pitch black. Until you're as dead & empty & silent as the air around you.
I'm having a(nother) crappy night & I'm feeling totally alone in it. I've been feeling totally alone. Feeling alone & physically being alone are two different things. Feeling alone just makes you give up hope. In everything. Everybody needs their somebody.. & I don't have anybody. I know I'm not supposed to let things/objects/positions/titles/people define me & totally ruin me when they no longer exist, but I want something that's mine, something that will always be mine no matter what. & that's what's impossible. That will be my downfall.
So Billy & I are together again, & I'm honestly so deeply & incredibly happy. I feel like after all of this... crap that just happened, my eyes are finally really open& I'm ready to start giving this relationship what it deserves, giving Billy what he deserves. I know we can make each other really happy. & I have to remember to balance my life & not push everything onto him & expect him to fulfill everything that my life lacks. I need to be a happy & enjoyable person to be around & really starting loving my own life. Start loving myself.
I just wanted to put this in here so that it doesn't look like only terrible things happen to me.
Also, I've called 3 design firms looking for interns & I'm waiting to hear back from them. Hopefully someone wants me :D
Oh, & Billy's coming here this Saturday. I'm so happy :)