Monday, March 28, 2011

A new beginning

I feel like I've used this title before, & maybe even a picture similar to this, but the difference this time is that I'm not in a dark place trying to convince myself that I'm going to make things better & pull myself out of a rut.. things actually are better right now.

Billy & I have officially & for-surely broken up. It was & is sad, but it was coming. I knew it & I think he did too..

What's weird is that the very next day I was taking the ferry to Seattle to go to bars with Kim for St. Patrick's Day & I ran into Aaron in the terminal, who I used to have a huuuuuuuuge crush on in high school. Kim was running late & so were Aaron's friends so we decided to grab a beer & catch up for a little. (Apparently he just got out of a 2 year relationship too, like the week beforehand) We ended up hanging out for the rest of the night, going to a bunch of different bars together. We've been hanging out & talking since.. & I'm really liking him. I don't want to ruin anything by jumping in too quickly or getting a huge overload of hanging out (like I've done in the past & then ended up wanting to strangle whoever I was talking to). But it just feels like this could be a really good thing. He's a genuinely nice guy & like reeeeeally cute. Like, easily one of the best looking guys I've ever been with. haha :)

Anyway, what else is awesome is that I got the job at Pier1 & I'm going in at noon (crap & it's 3:30am now) to sign the papers & officially become an employee. I SERIOUSLY need the money too. It's going to be nice to have some structure to my day. I mean, I do love waking up at 2pm & playing Zelda all day & then going back to sleep at 6am, but I think I'm going to like having an income & being able to get out of the house a lot more.

Alright, just wanted to make a quick post that showed my life wasn't always black clouds & crying all the time :) Goodnight!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Day 2.

I guess it's not really Day 2 of being alone, more like Day 9827634189237463285432wdfa87298u23984... But in relation to my last post, it's Day 2.

So, day 2 & it still blows. I guess it blows because part of me is still hoping it'll magically fix & get better. But it doesn't.

Part of me really wants to write out how exhausted & sad & heartbroken I am, but then the other part has toughened up & gotten really impatient & realized that this isn't a new feeling. I mean, how many times can you be heartbroken before there's nothing left to break anymore? But maybe that's not exactly true, because it still hurts just as much each time.

I don't understand why things are so impossibly hard with Billy. I just wish he were capable of listening & hearing me out & being comforting/supporting/sympathetic to how I feel instead of getting angry & shoving it back in my face & telling me I'm wrong. How can someone even be "wrong" for being sad or upset? How is that possible? & I don't understand how he can do something, get mad about my reaction, & then do something again because my reaction was"wrong". I get a triple hit. I wish he would just listen to me... I wish it bothered him that he makes me cry. I wish he listened & actually cared about what I was saying...

What's so impossibly frustrating is that he keeps saying I'm "perfect" for him & he doesn't want us to break up, he wants to be with me.. but then goes out every single night & says when I'm not in front of him it's easier for him to imagine him being able to move on. What's frustrating is that I don't go out. When I'm with someone, I like to spend time with them & just chill & enjoy their company, & if I go out, it's with them. What's frustrating is that all he got out of that was me "telling" him not to go out with his friends anymore. That's not even close to what I was trying to say. He doesn't listen or understand or try to see things from my point of view. & there's nothing more frustrating than someone who won't listen to you. He's got everything ALL wrong, & he wont-- God, I don't even know how I turned out to be the bad guy here.

I hate that when I cry I literally feel like I could die. I hate how incredibly painful it is, I can't breathe, & I want to do anything to make it stop. It feels like my skin is ripping off & my heart will explode. & I can't do anything to make it stop. I hate that. I hate this.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

The art of letting go...

I know that's a cheesy picture, I know that. But it really calls out to me for some reason. It kind of made me realize how to put into words how I've been feeling lately...

I've been really upset with people who are "close" to me. I feel like I've been slipping down people's priorities lists. Now, I'm not saying that I should be #1 or anything, but just, I mean, they're my close friends. They're important to me. I don't know. It's just weird though because while I was in LA I longed to see them again. I thought I would be happy again once they were physically back in my life... but I'm not. It's nothing like how I thought it was going to be.

Now to relate it to this picture, because I do love analogies so much: These "close" friends of mine were these perfect & beautiful little things that I kept locked up, safe, & always close to me. But so close that the idea of them overshadowed their reality, & once I finally took an actual look at them, they were different. Completely unrecognizable. Usually I would just be like "Fuck all you guys. I don't need anybody. Friends are for the weak. I'm gunna crawl in this hole & be all independent." Which has never worked. Never. So, what I'm getting out of this picture is that I need to let these once dear & beautiful things go, & instead of filling myself up with darkness & even more loneliness, I just need fill it back up with new beautiful things. Start getting to know new people, opening up & getting closer to new people; change. Everyone says change is good. Change is good when your same old shit is starting to drive you crazy, & you want to pull out your hair, & punch everyone in the head. Change is really good then. But change is sad, having to let go of the daydream that things were going to be perfect & so great. It's hard. Having to let go of an idea that kept you moving forward everyday & kept you warm at night. It's really fucking hard. But while half of me mourns the death of what could have been, the other half is trying really hard to stay positive.

I've got a lot of new things coming up (hopefully): a new weekday job, a new weekend internship, some side projects... I mean, those'll keep me busy. Like, really busy. & really busy is really good for people who slip into really sad really easily. Like me. I know it's going to be all sad to be alone with no one to really talk to, and no one to "be" with romantically, but the best things happen when you least expect it, & it's usually when you're focused on bettering yourself. People are drawn to that. People are drawn to other people with a light in them, a happiness, an optimistic vibe, an idea that you're stable & somewhat have your shit together. We're all drawn to that because we all want that for ourselves. (I'm really just trying to be my own therapist right now, so I'm bouncing around first & third & twelfth person. Whoops.) I need to become the kind of person I would want to be around. How can I expect anyone to want to be around me if I give off this energy that I don't even like myself? I need to better myself, & love myself. I need to stop hating myself, hating on the things that I do, the way that I feel... I need to stop feeling helpless, like I have no control over my own life. I need to stop waiting on other people who are never going to show up, and stop putting my life on hold for someone else. I need to make myself my number one priority. I need to somehow stop feeding off the good feeling/importance of the relationships in my life. I am not the relationships that I am in/not in. If a relationship fails, that does not mean that I fail.

Start doing the things that make YOU happy & feel good. You deserve to be happy. Good things will come to you when you start loving yourself.

(Like I said, I kind of bounce around talking out from my point of view & talking at myself, telling myself what I should do. Sorry, can't control it. That's just how my brain works.)

It's late (erm, like 5:37am kind of late) so I'm going to head up to bed.