It's been a rough week for me. Not with work or anything, work's been great & has been doing an awesome job at keeping me busy/distracted/tired. I've just been having a pretty hard relapse this week. It's happened a few times over the past month, but this week has been particularly hard. I think it's because I'm running out of immediate distractions to hide behind, especially at night. Night time is always the worst, when you're alone & left with your thoughts...
Anyway, I don't feel like completely pouring myself out right now. I talked to Billy earlier & said the things I needed to say. For some reason I just had to tell him how I've been feeling & how I'm still really hurt about how he treated me. Being able to say it to him & know that he heard really helped. Finally off of my chest. Like seriously, a weight is lifted off & not pressing on my heart & my lungs making it hard to breathe. I think it's going to take me a really long time to heal from that relationship, honestly.
But I've had a shift in priorities in my life. Last night while I was listening to Priscilla Ahn's music, something just kind of clicked. I wanted to do things for me. It didn't matter that I was alone & didn't have a guy in my life. It's really hard to not feel like my life is valued at the relationships I have, but I'm going to try. I think I need to stop hiding behind quick + temporary fixes & fix myself at the foundation. Things may be severely broken after Billy, but I think I'll eventually be able to put myself back together, & make/rebuild myself into the person I've been wanting to be. Love will come & find me when the time is right.. when I'm right again.
