lol

Remember when I used to "blog"? Lol, yeah me neither.

Refined thoughts

Okay, so organizing my thoughts down in writing actually does help a lot. Which I just did & saved as a draft. I want to try to refine it a little better now that my initial overwhelming emotions are are out of the way. Maybe I can actually figure out how I really feel about things.

I've dated some pretty rotten guys in the past & to be honest, I'm still pretty scarred in some ways. It's a little conflicting now because I'm wanting to do things but my instinct is waving red flags saying "Uhm HEY. Remember the last time you were in this situation & you did this? It ended horribly. Don't fucking do that again. Do the exact opposite & try to be fucking cool man." But another part of me doesn't feel like doing the exact opposite is actually the right idea. So I'm torn in a lot of ways on what to think, what's "right", & what to tell myself to move forward. I don't want to make the same mistakes I did in the past, but then I'm not really sure which of those were actually mine & which ones were the guy trying to turn things around on me.

I really want to get past all of this though because it's been such a long time since I've had anything to do with those douchebag guys. I don't like that those things still mess me up. I think I've grown a lot since then, & I deserve & want better/more for myself. And I really feel like I might actually have a shot at something really good with a really great guy--I don't want these insecurities/doubts/fears to end up ruining something I actually really want. Like a lot.

But maybe it's not something I can really fix on my own. I mean, I didn't get to this way of thinking on my own, so I probably won't be able to see & realize better on my own. Maybe it's something I might have to let someone else in on.


...I think that was a little more refined & shinier that my first draft anyway.

Looking forward, Pt 2

Oh! & I finally told Tyler how I've felt after all these years. But it was actually more for the purpose of letting go & being able to move forward with my life. I think what I've learned most from this is that the  weight of not saying what you need to when you need to can really bring you down & hold you back, & things seem like they're going to be so much more terrible in your head. Just say it. I'm going to stop being so afraid of disrupting someone's mood. After thoughts have had time to manifest & multiply in my head, they seems like they're going to be this huge fantastically terrible thing, but in reality, no one gives a fuck & shit is just not that big a deal. Just say it, right then & there. & it feels good!

I've also been applying that to guys who try to ask me out. I don't know why, but it makes me so uncomfortable because I think I don't want to disappoint them & make them feel like that don't have a chance or something. Or maybe it's like some weird want to be universally liked. Whatever, I'm learning that even if it seems weird to say, if the truth is that I'm just not interested in that way & the fact is that I'm seeing someone (even if it doesn't have some stupid label), there really is no chance, & it's going to save everyone time to just be upfront in the beginning. I know that's like a big "well, DUH", but you know, it's me, & I'm slow at these things. haha

Anyway, I feel like I'm learning & growing & becoming more comfortable with myself. Obvi it's a work in progress, but progress nonetheless. :)

Looking forward

So there's this killer apartment-share on the 38th floor of a high rise just outside of Waikiki that I've applied for & today the girl sent me a follow up text to tell me it's looking like a move-in date of early December & that I was her first pick for the room. DUDE. How fucking amazing would that be?

Oh, I might've forgotten to mention that I got a promotion at work & they're going to be moving me onto the architecture side! The amazing part is that they're willing to take the time to teach me the new cadd program & let me explore with 3D programs. This is seriously a mind-blowing opportunity that no one else would ever even think about giving me. So obviously I have to take it, which means I'll be out here for another year or two. Two max, I think. But who knows where I'll end up.

Things are really great with David. I think we're really enjoying our time together that we have. I try not to think too much about him leaving at the end of the year because it really just breaks my heart. I know it's for the best (what's best for him is in SF, what's best for me is here in HI), but man it blows. I think I've really fallen for him, & in a very different way than I've ever experienced. Compared to the other relationships I've had.. I don't know how to describe it without rambling, but this one feels real, & healthy, & I feel like this is exactly the kind of relationship that I've been looking for. You know, without the him leaving & who knows when I'll ever see him again part. Hah, but seriously, he's exactly what I've been looking for. This is going to be a hard one to let go.

I guess on the plus side, I won't be empty-handed. After he leaves I can try to fill that big empty gap in my chest with cadd drawings & a new apartment. I hate that I won't be able to share all that new excitement & happiness with him though. I'm ranting in circles now. But that's how it feels. It's bittersweet, & happy & sad.

Anyway, monumental changes are coming!

Take advantage of the time you have now.

I just realized that if he really is moving back to San Francisco, & he doesn't want me to mention his name on anything so that his old coworkers don't know if his whereabouts, & I don't have any pictures with or of him really.... It would really be as if he never existed & the whole thing never happened. & To be honest, the thought of that breaks my heart. I can't let that happen. I mean, even if it doesn't really become anything & we go our separate ways, I still want to be able to prove that this, whatever it is, existed at all at one point in time. I know in the future I'm going to look back on this time, when there was still time left, & regret that I never did or said anything about it. Maybe not exactly spell out in so many awkward words, but just grab a camera, say it's for something else, & make a whole thing about it.

Yeah, so I'll do that, so I can stop regretting something that hasn't happened yet.

okay. this is it

Wow, what a shitty feeling. Literally finally building up the courage to tell someone I've been in love with for 6 years how I feel, & literally the second before I do (I literally typed "okay. this is it"), shit blows up & he signs off. Damn it. Seriously, fuck dude. I just want to get this weight off my chest. 

Fucking ow.

What am I even doing with my life?

I get lost in this idea that it always has to be one or the other. That there's only one answer. That there's only one right way. But I am so in the middle, so average, so mediocre that I can't tell which way I'm supposed to lean. That just coasting in the middle isn't doing enough & I need to be all of at least something. What's my drive? What's my purpose? What do I even want? & if I knew, am I even actually qualified to get it? Do I change my wants to things I can actually have? I feel so lost right now.

I've been pro-Hawaii the entire time I've been out here--this is really the only time I've ever had any kind of doubt. But what am I really even doing out here? I know the whole point of coming out here was to, for the first time in my life, not have a plan... to just let things happen. Does it make me an uptight bitch to be freaking out about how on earth I'm actually choosing to live in some shady dirty old apartment behind a Chinese Buddhist Temple, where I have to attempt to kill a giant oriental cockroach at least every/every other week, where I just found a termite in my bathroom, where I basically kicked my cousin out of my apartment because there was too much drama & not enough space, where my Aunt decided to take the bed back & now there's a shitty Costco futon on the floor that I absolutely cannot stand so I'll probably just grab a sheet & sleep on the couch, where I pay way too much rent & get paid way too little at a job that's only so-so with zero creativity to the point where I can feel part of my brain dying, where I'm realizing I kind of have no real hobbies & I'm actually kind of extremely boring & I wouldn't even want to be friends with me so it's not really all that surprising that I literally only have 1 consistent friend out here, but that it's actually kind of surprising that he's stuck around for this long... What the fuck am I doing with my life? Seriously.

I know this is kind of okay for this time in my life: early 20's, on my "own", away from home, out of college but still not much to really show for it.. But what if this is as good as it gets? What if I'm still bumming around, living paycheck to paycheck, only going out if someone offers to pay because I'm literally that broke until payday, 20 bucks in my savings account, calling my parents every day just to see what they're up to, answering phone calls followed by "one second, let me transfer you", buying clothes that fall apart way too fast because they're so cheaply made, instagramming my day to feel like my life looks so much cooler that it really is--in 5 to 10 years, I won't have the excuse of "whatever, I'm 22". I don't want to get to that later part of my life & wish I had done better because I'm still in some unhappy hole I can't seem to pull myself out of. I realize that a major part joy in life is not knowing, & sometimes I really know how to grasp the idea of appreciating not knowing, but other times, fuck man-I just really want to know if I'm going to be okay. How am I supposed to know the difference between "early 20's hardships" & a red flag flying in the air with explosions & a whistle telling me to abandon ship? How do I know when to quit while I'm ahead?

I'm not miserable; my one consistent friend makes me feel like I might actually be doing something right out here. I wish I were living under better circumstances. My living & work situation is not the absolute worst; it's definitely better than when I first came out here. But lately I've been feeling that "better than before" isn't good enough anymore. But it's not wrong to keep wanting more or better for yourself, is it? I don't think it is, but then where I get stuck is trying to find a way to achieve more & better. "More" & "better" requires a salary that I am currently way under + a degree  & talents that I don't have & aren't developed enough for anyone to actually make use out of.

I just want to be able to be proud of my choices & of myself. I want my parents to be proud of me & not see me as some fuck up that wasted a lot of money & took the easy way out. I want my sister to be able to look up to me & want to be like me in some kind of way.. But how the fuck am I even supposed to do all of that?

I need to do more, be more, see more, want more, push more, give more, more more more.

What am I even doing with my life?