lol

Remember when I used to "blog"? Lol, yeah me neither.

Refined thoughts

Okay, so organizing my thoughts down in writing actually does help a lot. Which I just did & saved as a draft. I want to try to refine it a little better now that my initial overwhelming emotions are are out of the way. Maybe I can actually figure out how I really feel about things.

I've dated some pretty rotten guys in the past & to be honest, I'm still pretty scarred in some ways. It's a little conflicting now because I'm wanting to do things but my instinct is waving red flags saying "Uhm HEY. Remember the last time you were in this situation & you did this? It ended horribly. Don't fucking do that again. Do the exact opposite & try to be fucking cool man." But another part of me doesn't feel like doing the exact opposite is actually the right idea. So I'm torn in a lot of ways on what to think, what's "right", & what to tell myself to move forward. I don't want to make the same mistakes I did in the past, but then I'm not really sure which of those were actually mine & which ones were the guy trying to turn things around on me.

I really want to get past all of this though because it's been such a long time since I've had anything to do with those douchebag guys. I don't like that those things still mess me up. I think I've grown a lot since then, & I deserve & want better/more for myself. And I really feel like I might actually have a shot at something really good with a really great guy--I don't want these insecurities/doubts/fears to end up ruining something I actually really want. Like a lot.

But maybe it's not something I can really fix on my own. I mean, I didn't get to this way of thinking on my own, so I probably won't be able to see & realize better on my own. Maybe it's something I might have to let someone else in on.


...I think that was a little more refined & shinier that my first draft anyway.

Looking forward, Pt 2

Oh! & I finally told Tyler how I've felt after all these years. But it was actually more for the purpose of letting go & being able to move forward with my life. I think what I've learned most from this is that the  weight of not saying what you need to when you need to can really bring you down & hold you back, & things seem like they're going to be so much more terrible in your head. Just say it. I'm going to stop being so afraid of disrupting someone's mood. After thoughts have had time to manifest & multiply in my head, they seems like they're going to be this huge fantastically terrible thing, but in reality, no one gives a fuck & shit is just not that big a deal. Just say it, right then & there. & it feels good!

I've also been applying that to guys who try to ask me out. I don't know why, but it makes me so uncomfortable because I think I don't want to disappoint them & make them feel like that don't have a chance or something. Or maybe it's like some weird want to be universally liked. Whatever, I'm learning that even if it seems weird to say, if the truth is that I'm just not interested in that way & the fact is that I'm seeing someone (even if it doesn't have some stupid label), there really is no chance, & it's going to save everyone time to just be upfront in the beginning. I know that's like a big "well, DUH", but you know, it's me, & I'm slow at these things. haha

Anyway, I feel like I'm learning & growing & becoming more comfortable with myself. Obvi it's a work in progress, but progress nonetheless. :)

Looking forward

So there's this killer apartment-share on the 38th floor of a high rise just outside of Waikiki that I've applied for & today the girl sent me a follow up text to tell me it's looking like a move-in date of early December & that I was her first pick for the room. DUDE. How fucking amazing would that be?

Oh, I might've forgotten to mention that I got a promotion at work & they're going to be moving me onto the architecture side! The amazing part is that they're willing to take the time to teach me the new cadd program & let me explore with 3D programs. This is seriously a mind-blowing opportunity that no one else would ever even think about giving me. So obviously I have to take it, which means I'll be out here for another year or two. Two max, I think. But who knows where I'll end up.

Things are really great with David. I think we're really enjoying our time together that we have. I try not to think too much about him leaving at the end of the year because it really just breaks my heart. I know it's for the best (what's best for him is in SF, what's best for me is here in HI), but man it blows. I think I've really fallen for him, & in a very different way than I've ever experienced. Compared to the other relationships I've had.. I don't know how to describe it without rambling, but this one feels real, & healthy, & I feel like this is exactly the kind of relationship that I've been looking for. You know, without the him leaving & who knows when I'll ever see him again part. Hah, but seriously, he's exactly what I've been looking for. This is going to be a hard one to let go.

I guess on the plus side, I won't be empty-handed. After he leaves I can try to fill that big empty gap in my chest with cadd drawings & a new apartment. I hate that I won't be able to share all that new excitement & happiness with him though. I'm ranting in circles now. But that's how it feels. It's bittersweet, & happy & sad.

Anyway, monumental changes are coming!

Take advantage of the time you have now.

I just realized that if he really is moving back to San Francisco, & he doesn't want me to mention his name on anything so that his old coworkers don't know if his whereabouts, & I don't have any pictures with or of him really.... It would really be as if he never existed & the whole thing never happened. & To be honest, the thought of that breaks my heart. I can't let that happen. I mean, even if it doesn't really become anything & we go our separate ways, I still want to be able to prove that this, whatever it is, existed at all at one point in time. I know in the future I'm going to look back on this time, when there was still time left, & regret that I never did or said anything about it. Maybe not exactly spell out in so many awkward words, but just grab a camera, say it's for something else, & make a whole thing about it.

Yeah, so I'll do that, so I can stop regretting something that hasn't happened yet.

okay. this is it

Wow, what a shitty feeling. Literally finally building up the courage to tell someone I've been in love with for 6 years how I feel, & literally the second before I do (I literally typed "okay. this is it"), shit blows up & he signs off. Damn it. Seriously, fuck dude. I just want to get this weight off my chest. 

Fucking ow.

What am I even doing with my life?

I get lost in this idea that it always has to be one or the other. That there's only one answer. That there's only one right way. But I am so in the middle, so average, so mediocre that I can't tell which way I'm supposed to lean. That just coasting in the middle isn't doing enough & I need to be all of at least something. What's my drive? What's my purpose? What do I even want? & if I knew, am I even actually qualified to get it? Do I change my wants to things I can actually have? I feel so lost right now.

I've been pro-Hawaii the entire time I've been out here--this is really the only time I've ever had any kind of doubt. But what am I really even doing out here? I know the whole point of coming out here was to, for the first time in my life, not have a plan... to just let things happen. Does it make me an uptight bitch to be freaking out about how on earth I'm actually choosing to live in some shady dirty old apartment behind a Chinese Buddhist Temple, where I have to attempt to kill a giant oriental cockroach at least every/every other week, where I just found a termite in my bathroom, where I basically kicked my cousin out of my apartment because there was too much drama & not enough space, where my Aunt decided to take the bed back & now there's a shitty Costco futon on the floor that I absolutely cannot stand so I'll probably just grab a sheet & sleep on the couch, where I pay way too much rent & get paid way too little at a job that's only so-so with zero creativity to the point where I can feel part of my brain dying, where I'm realizing I kind of have no real hobbies & I'm actually kind of extremely boring & I wouldn't even want to be friends with me so it's not really all that surprising that I literally only have 1 consistent friend out here, but that it's actually kind of surprising that he's stuck around for this long... What the fuck am I doing with my life? Seriously.

I know this is kind of okay for this time in my life: early 20's, on my "own", away from home, out of college but still not much to really show for it.. But what if this is as good as it gets? What if I'm still bumming around, living paycheck to paycheck, only going out if someone offers to pay because I'm literally that broke until payday, 20 bucks in my savings account, calling my parents every day just to see what they're up to, answering phone calls followed by "one second, let me transfer you", buying clothes that fall apart way too fast because they're so cheaply made, instagramming my day to feel like my life looks so much cooler that it really is--in 5 to 10 years, I won't have the excuse of "whatever, I'm 22". I don't want to get to that later part of my life & wish I had done better because I'm still in some unhappy hole I can't seem to pull myself out of. I realize that a major part joy in life is not knowing, & sometimes I really know how to grasp the idea of appreciating not knowing, but other times, fuck man-I just really want to know if I'm going to be okay. How am I supposed to know the difference between "early 20's hardships" & a red flag flying in the air with explosions & a whistle telling me to abandon ship? How do I know when to quit while I'm ahead?

I'm not miserable; my one consistent friend makes me feel like I might actually be doing something right out here. I wish I were living under better circumstances. My living & work situation is not the absolute worst; it's definitely better than when I first came out here. But lately I've been feeling that "better than before" isn't good enough anymore. But it's not wrong to keep wanting more or better for yourself, is it? I don't think it is, but then where I get stuck is trying to find a way to achieve more & better. "More" & "better" requires a salary that I am currently way under + a degree  & talents that I don't have & aren't developed enough for anyone to actually make use out of.

I just want to be able to be proud of my choices & of myself. I want my parents to be proud of me & not see me as some fuck up that wasted a lot of money & took the easy way out. I want my sister to be able to look up to me & want to be like me in some kind of way.. But how the fuck am I even supposed to do all of that?

I need to do more, be more, see more, want more, push more, give more, more more more.

What am I even doing with my life?

Sometimes I indulge myself in feelings even though I know they're going to hurt.

....

A friend of mine passed away today.

It's so weird to say out loud. I can't believe Terence is gone. I feel terrible that I've held a grudge towards him for so long & that that was pretty much my last thought towards him. I'm really, really sorry for that.

I've never experienced this before. I've never lost anyone close to me before.

I'm never going to forget hearing my Auntie cry out for him, telling him to come home, or watching her touch his dinner in the oven. This is just beyond heartbreaking. A completely new level of sadness. A tragedy.

How is this happening?

I can't get myself to understand it.

4. Bullet your whole day

Well wasn't really all that interesting, but I'll bullet it anyway:

-Woke up

-Checked my email

-Saw an email from JetBlue saying they have flights for $44 & $103 for 3 nights in Vegas, then started dreaming about that

-Realized that wasn't going to happen

-Took a shower, got ready for work

-Showed my mom me & Kim's awesome rap cover we recorded the other night

-rushed to work like a speeding maniac

-had a terrible sales day, but didn't really care

-counted the tills + safe wrong at closing & convinced everyone that we were missing $190

-didn't realized until after I got home that I was wrong & that we're actually OVER by $10, whoops

-went on craigslist to look for interior design jobs in Seattle

-made a goal that within the next 2 weeks I'm going to print out 15 resumes & go to Seattle with specific high-end showrooms in mind to hand them out to

-decided to write in my blog

-made this list

Day 3: A book you love

I don't read as often as a should, & I've been telling myself FOREVER that I need to start doing it more, & it just doesn't really happen. So, as an easy, lame, & girly default: Twilight. Yeeeeeah, yeah, yeah. I know. But if it counts for anything, I read this book long before the movie came out. So, yeah, if that counts for anything. Probably not. Whatever, leave me alone.

Day 2: Something you feel strongly about

First of all, WOW do I suck at keeping up with this challenge. Welp, no one said it had to be 30 consecutive days, did they? I didn't see that anywhere. So, as far as anyone's concerned, this is my "day 2". Hahaha :)

Okay, something I feel strongly about... about like anything? I guess I can take that however I want. Well, I feel really strongly about doing what makes you happy. I know, that's like duhhhh. But I mean, there's something really beautiful in giving your heart what it desires & making the few chances we get, count. I know I don't always follow it myself, but I love motivating & inspiring other people to go out & chase their dream. I feel strongly about telling people to get what they want because they're worth it. I feel strongly about inspiring & being inspired.

Those are a lot of things. I'm ranting. I'm tired.

I feel strongly about going to sleep right now because I have work in the morning.

30 day challenge! Day 1: Five ways to win your heart

1. Have a passion for something in your life

2. Be able to engage & hold a conversation with me

3. Be there to listen to anything that's troubling me

4. Intense eye contact

5. Smile

Rebuilding my foundation

It's been a rough week for me. Not with work or anything, work's been great & has been doing an awesome job at keeping me busy/distracted/tired. I've just been having a pretty hard relapse this week. It's happened a few times over the past month, but this week has been particularly hard. I think it's because I'm running out of immediate distractions to hide behind, especially at night. Night time is always the worst, when you're alone & left with your thoughts...

Anyway, I don't feel like completely pouring myself out right now. I talked to Billy earlier & said the things I needed to say. For some reason I just had to tell him how I've been feeling & how I'm still really hurt about how he treated me. Being able to say it to him & know that he heard really helped. Finally off of my chest. Like seriously, a weight is lifted off & not pressing on my heart & my lungs making it hard to breathe. I think it's going to take me a really long time to heal from that relationship, honestly.

But I've had a shift in priorities in my life. Last night while I was listening to Priscilla Ahn's music, something just kind of clicked. I wanted to do things for me. It didn't matter that I was alone & didn't have a guy in my life. It's really hard to not feel like my life is valued at the relationships I have, but I'm going to try. I think I need to stop hiding behind quick + temporary fixes & fix myself at the foundation. Things may be severely broken after Billy, but I think I'll eventually be able to put myself back together, & make/rebuild myself into the person I've been wanting to be. Love will come & find me when the time is right.. when I'm right again.

Anyway, that's it for now, but there will be more soon. Promise.

Hit a snag.

Just one of those nights where I'm not as together as I usually am.

It happens I suppose.

A new beginning

I feel like I've used this title before, & maybe even a picture similar to this, but the difference this time is that I'm not in a dark place trying to convince myself that I'm going to make things better & pull myself out of a rut.. things actually are better right now.

Billy & I have officially & for-surely broken up. It was & is sad, but it was coming. I knew it & I think he did too..

What's weird is that the very next day I was taking the ferry to Seattle to go to bars with Kim for St. Patrick's Day & I ran into Aaron in the terminal, who I used to have a huuuuuuuuge crush on in high school. Kim was running late & so were Aaron's friends so we decided to grab a beer & catch up for a little. (Apparently he just got out of a 2 year relationship too, like the week beforehand) We ended up hanging out for the rest of the night, going to a bunch of different bars together. We've been hanging out & talking since.. & I'm really liking him. I don't want to ruin anything by jumping in too quickly or getting a huge overload of hanging out (like I've done in the past & then ended up wanting to strangle whoever I was talking to). But it just feels like this could be a really good thing. He's a genuinely nice guy & like reeeeeally cute. Like, easily one of the best looking guys I've ever been with. haha :)

Anyway, what else is awesome is that I got the job at Pier1 & I'm going in at noon (crap & it's 3:30am now) to sign the papers & officially become an employee. I SERIOUSLY need the money too. It's going to be nice to have some structure to my day. I mean, I do love waking up at 2pm & playing Zelda all day & then going back to sleep at 6am, but I think I'm going to like having an income & being able to get out of the house a lot more.

Alright, just wanted to make a quick post that showed my life wasn't always black clouds & crying all the time :) Goodnight!

Day 2.

I guess it's not really Day 2 of being alone, more like Day 9827634189237463285432wdfa87298u23984... But in relation to my last post, it's Day 2.

So, day 2 & it still blows. I guess it blows because part of me is still hoping it'll magically fix & get better. But it doesn't.

Part of me really wants to write out how exhausted & sad & heartbroken I am, but then the other part has toughened up & gotten really impatient & realized that this isn't a new feeling. I mean, how many times can you be heartbroken before there's nothing left to break anymore? But maybe that's not exactly true, because it still hurts just as much each time.

I don't understand why things are so impossibly hard with Billy. I just wish he were capable of listening & hearing me out & being comforting/supporting/sympathetic to how I feel instead of getting angry & shoving it back in my face & telling me I'm wrong. How can someone even be "wrong" for being sad or upset? How is that possible? & I don't understand how he can do something, get mad about my reaction, & then do something again because my reaction was"wrong". I get a triple hit. I wish he would just listen to me... I wish it bothered him that he makes me cry. I wish he listened & actually cared about what I was saying...

What's so impossibly frustrating is that he keeps saying I'm "perfect" for him & he doesn't want us to break up, he wants to be with me.. but then goes out every single night & says when I'm not in front of him it's easier for him to imagine him being able to move on. What's frustrating is that I don't go out. When I'm with someone, I like to spend time with them & just chill & enjoy their company, & if I go out, it's with them. What's frustrating is that all he got out of that was me "telling" him not to go out with his friends anymore. That's not even close to what I was trying to say. He doesn't listen or understand or try to see things from my point of view. & there's nothing more frustrating than someone who won't listen to you. He's got everything ALL wrong, & he wont-- God, I don't even know how I turned out to be the bad guy here.

I hate that when I cry I literally feel like I could die. I hate how incredibly painful it is, I can't breathe, & I want to do anything to make it stop. It feels like my skin is ripping off & my heart will explode. & I can't do anything to make it stop. I hate that. I hate this.

The art of letting go...

I know that's a cheesy picture, I know that. But it really calls out to me for some reason. It kind of made me realize how to put into words how I've been feeling lately...

I've been really upset with people who are "close" to me. I feel like I've been slipping down people's priorities lists. Now, I'm not saying that I should be #1 or anything, but just, I mean, they're my close friends. They're important to me. I don't know. It's just weird though because while I was in LA I longed to see them again. I thought I would be happy again once they were physically back in my life... but I'm not. It's nothing like how I thought it was going to be.

Now to relate it to this picture, because I do love analogies so much: These "close" friends of mine were these perfect & beautiful little things that I kept locked up, safe, & always close to me. But so close that the idea of them overshadowed their reality, & once I finally took an actual look at them, they were different. Completely unrecognizable. Usually I would just be like "Fuck all you guys. I don't need anybody. Friends are for the weak. I'm gunna crawl in this hole & be all independent." Which has never worked. Never. So, what I'm getting out of this picture is that I need to let these once dear & beautiful things go, & instead of filling myself up with darkness & even more loneliness, I just need fill it back up with new beautiful things. Start getting to know new people, opening up & getting closer to new people; change. Everyone says change is good. Change is good when your same old shit is starting to drive you crazy, & you want to pull out your hair, & punch everyone in the head. Change is really good then. But change is sad, having to let go of the daydream that things were going to be perfect & so great. It's hard. Having to let go of an idea that kept you moving forward everyday & kept you warm at night. It's really fucking hard. But while half of me mourns the death of what could have been, the other half is trying really hard to stay positive.

I've got a lot of new things coming up (hopefully): a new weekday job, a new weekend internship, some side projects... I mean, those'll keep me busy. Like, really busy. & really busy is really good for people who slip into really sad really easily. Like me. I know it's going to be all sad to be alone with no one to really talk to, and no one to "be" with romantically, but the best things happen when you least expect it, & it's usually when you're focused on bettering yourself. People are drawn to that. People are drawn to other people with a light in them, a happiness, an optimistic vibe, an idea that you're stable & somewhat have your shit together. We're all drawn to that because we all want that for ourselves. (I'm really just trying to be my own therapist right now, so I'm bouncing around first & third & twelfth person. Whoops.) I need to become the kind of person I would want to be around. How can I expect anyone to want to be around me if I give off this energy that I don't even like myself? I need to better myself, & love myself. I need to stop hating myself, hating on the things that I do, the way that I feel... I need to stop feeling helpless, like I have no control over my own life. I need to stop waiting on other people who are never going to show up, and stop putting my life on hold for someone else. I need to make myself my number one priority. I need to somehow stop feeding off the good feeling/importance of the relationships in my life. I am not the relationships that I am in/not in. If a relationship fails, that does not mean that I fail.

Start doing the things that make YOU happy & feel good. You deserve to be happy. Good things will come to you when you start loving yourself.

(Like I said, I kind of bounce around talking out from my point of view & talking at myself, telling myself what I should do. Sorry, can't control it. That's just how my brain works.)

It's late (erm, like 5:37am kind of late) so I'm going to head up to bed.

Goodnight!

Diet.

I feel like we've put ourselves on some kind of intense, super model skinny relationship-diet. Now, what we've done with our diet is taken away all the delicious indulgences that are over rich & too sweet. Delicious, wonderful, lustfull things make our relationship fat. Now that they're gone, we function & live on without them. Not even wanting them. Our appetite for love is gone. Our relationship is frail & skinny, & there's no meat or cushion on those bones. Its not even attractive anymore. Nobody wants it...

But I'm tired of starving.
Feed me :(

Just a weird analogy that came to my head. I don't know I if you know this, but I love analogies. It helps me figure myself out, through something else. Bed time.

Success!

FINALLY! I told you happy times were on their way!

You didn't believe me though, did you? That's ok, I only half believed it myself, & that's because I had to or I was going to fall apart. (Frack, my crest whitestrips keep slipping off my teeth. Does anybody else have this problem? & of course my tongue finds the messed up corned & keeps prodding it.)

I'm celebrating because at the near end of this terrible & emotionally exhausting day, I got a call from an old friend (who I allllways love randomly hearing from) that completely turned my night, mood, & state of mind around. So what if it started out as a drunk dial. He called while I was crying & was totally awesome about it. That's amazingly good timing in my book.

Anyway, that's all I'm going to say. (Lame, I know. I get into huge detail about the things that are tearing me up, but just skim the surface of anything good.) The point is that I'm so extremely happy. A real happy. I laughed. I was laughing. Someone actually wanted to talk to me. ME. It's just a good feeling. & for like 4 & a half hours! Not one complaint, or fight, or anything. It was just so natural & easy & fun & nice for once.

Eh, I've got another 7 minutes on my whitestrips--I'll kill some time...

I've been using the Sims 3 game to help me get ideas for my design proposal for my Residential Design Practice/Thesis class. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but I'm such a visual person. I can't just stare at a blank piece of paper & go "OOH! Design for an entire house! I've got it!" This is really working for me, so who cares, right? My house design is going to me awesome though. Plus Tyler said I could use his name if I needed a new one for my client profile. :D He might've been drunk, but he still said it so, fair game! (Gah, are your teeth supposed to start aching after a few nights of crest whitestrips? There's definitely maybe something wrong going on here.)

Oh! Time's up! Gotta go :)

& goodnight!

(at 5:50 in the morning)