Just a little pep talk.

I know my blog's been quite the Negative Nancy lately, & I'm sorry. That definitely wasn't the intention for making this thing & I need to keep that in mind. This one's supposed to be the bright cheery one. The one with pictures, & that's inspiring, & nostalgic, & more of an overall look of my days rather than a never-ending rant. That probably won't change anything the next time something upsetting comes along, but oh well. I figured it was about time for a change of pace for myself (since I've been so non-stop with school & just everything). I need to keep myself at a high positive level or else I'll crumble apart & lose everything, & I just don't have time for that.

Anyway, back to my reason for getting on here. I was just brushing my teeth when I had these thoughts starting to come into my head. It's probably been the best thing I've said to myself in a while, & I know I need it.

There are a thousand reasons to be unhappy; sitting & thinking about them is the easy way out. The challenge & admirable thing is to go against your odds to find & create your own good things. The world will never stop throwing shit your way & getting down about it is declaring forfeit. But we don't forfeit, we don't give up, & we don't lose. We win, every time. So keep your head up, stay optimistic, & always keep moving.

_

I fucking hate myself & the stupid fucking choices I make myself do. How I throw every off every fucking important thing in my life for the slight possibility of happiness even though history has proved that that wont happen. Why the fuck can't I just accept it? Why the fuck do I keep looking for & wanting something that isn't there, that will never be there, that was never there before but just some fucking mirage & fucking false advertising, some fucking trick to convince me it was the real deal. This is bullshit.

& again, why the fuck do I insist on having a boyfriend that can double as a best friend? Why the FUCK do I think that's possible for me? It's not. I need to stop pausing my life for this stupid fuck "love" shit.

I need to cut out everything negative in my life or I'm going to drown & kill myself & regret absolutely everything I'm trying to do down here for the rest of my life. This is what's real. I'm real, what I'm doing is real. Negativity, anger, frustration, crying, sadness, wanting to break something, screaming.. it's killing me, it's making me depressed, it's affecting everything I do, it kills my creativity, it kills my want to be creative, I don't set goals, I don't bother, I don't do anything extra, I don't care I'M FUCKING PISSED RIGHT NOW & I'M MAD THAT I'M ANGRY WHICH IS MAKING ME MORE MAD & there's not a goddamned thing I can do about it. Not a single person I can talk to. No one to calm me down, give me real honest good advice, no one that makes me feel like they're really there & that they really care & have my best interest at heart. I'm fucking stuck. How do I get myself out of this mess? without cutting off all my limbs? is that even possible?

I am alone, I just need to accept that & stop looking for someone else to fix my problems for me. I need to create my own happiness, depend on me to cheer myself up. This is it, this is what's real, this is what's still going to be here tomorrow.

You could at least pretend that you care.

I'm not even going to recap. I'm just going to start spewing out would say right now if I could send you a 100 page text, or yell at you one the phone.

I just told you that I felt that I was going to start pulling away form you & you basically just say "ok"? Why do I feel completely worthless right now? & if you actually do agree with my statement, well why the fuck did you waste my time for so long, convincing me of this bullshit that means nothing to you, that's just a bunch of fucking made up words. Why am I so hurt right now?

I have no one to talk to this about. I am completely falling apart. I am so completely alone, & I'm not ready to just "get over it" because the stupid part of me still really wants you & wants everything to work. I know once I close that door, I will never, ever let it be opened to you again. & I told you I was making my way for you & you pretty much like "here, let me get that for you" & holding it open so that I can quickly leave.

Thanks.

Seven days...

All I can think about are the things I can hold on to.. the things I already & definitely call "mine". That, & how those things aren't going to be there for me anymore. I don't know whether to embrace & hold on for as long as possible or push away & try to stand on my own. I'll hurt either way. It hasn't hit me yet. Maybe because I haven't found a place to live; I can't picture it yet.

I'm kind of super hurt that a lot of people didn't show up to my going away party. I mean, I guess I kind of expected it to turn out that way. & I'm not saying that the 6 that showed up wasn't enough for me, it was so amazing & wonderful to know that a few people would go so out of their way just for me... I guess that's what I need to focus on. What I do have. If I keep focusing on what could've been or how I wished it were I'll be stuck on living in a sad past. This is for me. Let's focus on me. C'mon Veronica, it's time for you this time, for real this time. We're not going to shut everyone out but we can't insist on hiding behind everything forever. Especially if I'm 1,127 miles away... Let's do this, please?

=/ bah, I really want to talk to Billy right now.. he's not picking up though. I guess I need to practice being able to handle on my own though. Being able to talk to someone else would be nice though..

I should pack.. I'll probably just sleep though.

I will not waste time.

So many big changes are about to happen. Just thinking about it all overwhelms me & fills me up with excitement, but at the same time with deep sadness. I'm leaving absolutely everything I know, everyone I love, everything safe. Everything. It scares me shitless but at the same time it's everything I want. A myriad of things I'm leaving behind.

But it's ok. Leaving everything I have for everything I want.. & everything I could/can/will be.

I've been waiting a very long time for this.

One day

we will be happy.


Hopefully it's together.

feelings beyond my control

I've been getting really easily irritated lately. I don't know why. Just little things that Billy does.. they really get to me for some reason. It's never just one little thing though, but it's like after one thing kind of annoys me, the collection of irritation begins until I explode with frustration tears. I get so frustrated & it just rips me apart because I'm not going to scream my head off at him, I can't throw anything, I won't break anything, & the fact that I'm bottling it up & can't get it out frustrates me even more. All I can do is dig my nails into my skin, squirm a bit, & cry until I'm exhausted. The way I think doesn't convert into coherent words, which works against me because all that ends up coming out is "I don't know" & then he goes "So you don't even know why you're mad?" No! It's not that I don't know why, it's that I don't know how to put it into words yet. I hate that I'm not as eloquent as I am in my head. Somewhere between my brain & my mouth, everything falls apart.

He doesn't really help when the situation gets to that point either though.. in fact he kind of adds to it. He's just so quick to be defensive & already takes a annoyed tone with me that it gets even bigger. I feel like I want him to be this big huge fix to everything, but it's so hard to pull someone closer & want to push them away at the same time. But he always has these little stabs--"So you're mad because [insert some stupid reason that obviously doesn't relate or isn't the cause]?" asdfasdfasdf It's frustrating because he doesn't make the situation any better & it's up to me to fix my own problems.

But I don't know how to. I'm frustated with him, but I'm also frustrated with myself that I'm constantly feeling like this. It's exhausting & completely opposite of who I am. I never fight with boyfriends, friends, people. I don't like being in that situation, but I can't just pretend that there isn't some sort of problem. Subconsciously there's something I'm upset with & I'll be doing little actions like pushing him away as a joke at first but then really mean it before I even realize that I do. That doesn't make any sense. I just don't know how to deal with this. I really don't want to break up, but I don't want to have this feeling of being stuck together when things like this happen. Trying to hold myself together while being pushed to the edge kind of drains me.. I start to feel really empty & robotic & dead.

Do I just sit back & watch us fall apart?