I went to see a psychologist today & I'm actually really glad that I didn't cancel my appointment like I was thinking about doing yesterday. I had to do all this paperwork, answering questions about myself, why I was there, what goals I hoped to accomplish from therapy, etc. It was really weird hearing the lady read out loud my reasons for going there though. It sounded a lot more sad & real hearing it said by someone else & I was already crying not even 5 minutes into my appointment. I think I'm doing the right thing though & it's definitely time to start changing the way I think about things & handle myself, & clearly the way I was going about it before wasn't really working. So this'll be good. & I really like her, she's nice & understanding (well, yeah, I know that's her job, but still) & I really think she's going to help me a lot.
Anyway, I just wanted to jot that down real quick. I've got an hour to tidy up my room before work & then Billy's coming over. So things need to look nice! .. or just less like a bomb went off in here.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I am a fat housecat.
You know how indoor cats are... they're all energetic & lively & playful & curious & sharp & have personalities & just do whatever they feel without a second thought--and then they become "tame" by having their every want squished out of them. You could roll a ball in front of me & I probably won't look up.
I'm withering away & I'm just sitting here watching it happen.
What's happening to me? :(
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Answer these questions & bring it into work to go over with the manager.
What held you back?
What do you think you did wrong?
What do you think you need help with?
Great. So not only am I under surprise attack, I have to write an essay stating why I think I suck. Except, everyone that I work with (minus the manager) doesn't think I suck.. oh, & neither do I. & actually, I think the problem is with my manger, & the approach to this "situation", & not me. But how do I say all of that professionally, while still getting my message across, & ensuring that I could still use them as a reference because it's the place I've worked at the longest? I dont' know.
I really don't know.
Well, here it is:
“What held you back?”
With only a couple days a week & always being put on register, really the only thing holding me back is opportunity. Last Saturday (February 7) when we had people from other stores help cover ours, the shift supervisor said that he was really surprised that after 6 months I still hadn’t gotten much bar time & that he didn’t get it. I don’t either. I know I’m not the best at barring, knowing exactly what goes into every one of our drinks, or being the fastest, most efficient bar person… but from what everyone’s been telling me, the only way to get better at something is to just do more of it. I can’t work more on the bar when I’m automatically & constantly tied to a register. You mentioned that I don’t have any confidence, but how can I have confidence in something that I do if the people around me don’t think that I can handle it & never give me a chance to grow? Last week honestly felt like one of my best & it’s because I was actually given a chance to prove myself.
“What do you think you did wrong?”
I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong, & to be honest, this entire situation comes to me as a surprise. In December I asked you if I was doing something wrong because I noticed that I didn’t have that many hours. At the time, you told me that I was fine & that it was just my limited availability. The next month, after I gave a completely open availability, I asked you if I should look for a second job because I noticed that I was getting even less hours. You then, at the time, said that it might be a good idea if I do because you were trying to cut labor. But now, it’s entirely different, & there are supposedly all these problems with me. I just feel that if there were things that I needed to work on, especially things that now directly affect my employment, they would have been mentioned before, back in December, when I asked if I was doing something wrong.
I’ve talked with supervisors & coworkers & not a single person has shared the frustration mentioned at our meeting early last week. So it’s a little confusing when trying to understand polar opposite opinions.
“What do you think you need help with?”
I just need help with opportunity; you’re in control of how much I grow.
What do you think you did wrong?
What do you think you need help with?
Great. So not only am I under surprise attack, I have to write an essay stating why I think I suck. Except, everyone that I work with (minus the manager) doesn't think I suck.. oh, & neither do I. & actually, I think the problem is with my manger, & the approach to this "situation", & not me. But how do I say all of that professionally, while still getting my message across, & ensuring that I could still use them as a reference because it's the place I've worked at the longest? I dont' know.
I really don't know.
Well, here it is:
“What held you back?”
With only a couple days a week & always being put on register, really the only thing holding me back is opportunity. Last Saturday (February 7) when we had people from other stores help cover ours, the shift supervisor said that he was really surprised that after 6 months I still hadn’t gotten much bar time & that he didn’t get it. I don’t either. I know I’m not the best at barring, knowing exactly what goes into every one of our drinks, or being the fastest, most efficient bar person… but from what everyone’s been telling me, the only way to get better at something is to just do more of it. I can’t work more on the bar when I’m automatically & constantly tied to a register. You mentioned that I don’t have any confidence, but how can I have confidence in something that I do if the people around me don’t think that I can handle it & never give me a chance to grow? Last week honestly felt like one of my best & it’s because I was actually given a chance to prove myself.
“What do you think you did wrong?”
I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong, & to be honest, this entire situation comes to me as a surprise. In December I asked you if I was doing something wrong because I noticed that I didn’t have that many hours. At the time, you told me that I was fine & that it was just my limited availability. The next month, after I gave a completely open availability, I asked you if I should look for a second job because I noticed that I was getting even less hours. You then, at the time, said that it might be a good idea if I do because you were trying to cut labor. But now, it’s entirely different, & there are supposedly all these problems with me. I just feel that if there were things that I needed to work on, especially things that now directly affect my employment, they would have been mentioned before, back in December, when I asked if I was doing something wrong.
I’ve talked with supervisors & coworkers & not a single person has shared the frustration mentioned at our meeting early last week. So it’s a little confusing when trying to understand polar opposite opinions.
“What do you think you need help with?”
I just need help with opportunity; you’re in control of how much I grow.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Today's to-do list:
The goal is to finish these before I go out.
..if I go out.
-cat box
-laundry
-1 hour of yoga
-do some crunches
-tidy room up a little bit
-send resume to at least one place
-pick up (& deposit?) paycheck
I tend to make to-do lists & then totally disregard them altogether. Hopefully I stick to this one this time. It's not even all that much. CMON LETS GO!
..if I go out.
-cat box
-laundry
-1 hour of yoga
-do some crunches
-tidy room up a little bit
-send resume to at least one place
-pick up (& deposit?) paycheck
I tend to make to-do lists & then totally disregard them altogether. Hopefully I stick to this one this time. It's not even all that much. CMON LETS GO!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
There is absolutely no one I can talk to.
I can't talk to my mom; she doesn't get people & will just end up bitching at me.
I can't talk to my dad, because I don't want to disappoint him with my bad news.
I can't talk to my "friends", because they blow ass at "being there" for me.
I can't talk to the boy, really, because I don't want to overwhelm him & come off as a total nutcase.
I can't really talk to my sister or my cousin, because, well, although I'm sure they'll listen, I'm not going to get any feedback I can use.
What do I do?
hm. =/
I can't talk to my dad, because I don't want to disappoint him with my bad news.
I can't talk to my "friends", because they blow ass at "being there" for me.
I can't talk to the boy, really, because I don't want to overwhelm him & come off as a total nutcase.
I can't really talk to my sister or my cousin, because, well, although I'm sure they'll listen, I'm not going to get any feedback I can use.
What do I do?
hm. =/
January was for thinking
about all the things I want to do.
February is for doing.
I really need to pick up the pace, kick myself into gear, reel my brain back into my body.. & down to Earth, find my voice, push myself, take risks, achieve goals, live in the moment, prove doubts wrong, keep my cool, find some confidence...
C'mon, Veronica. You can do this & absolutely anything you want. You just have to get up & get it yourself, instead of patiently waiting around for it to come to you. Want, demand, & get. The only thing stopping you is you.
February is for doing.
I really need to pick up the pace, kick myself into gear, reel my brain back into my body.. & down to Earth, find my voice, push myself, take risks, achieve goals, live in the moment, prove doubts wrong, keep my cool, find some confidence...
C'mon, Veronica. You can do this & absolutely anything you want. You just have to get up & get it yourself, instead of patiently waiting around for it to come to you. Want, demand, & get. The only thing stopping you is you.
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