Heavy heart:

"Melancholy; depressed; sad.
When your heart is weighted down by sorrow. Often times a death, or when you are still in love with someone from the past."


I hate that I still miss some feelings sometimes.

Sidetracked

I can never get my homework done when I need to go online & find things to do it. It's not because I get distracted with Facebook or Twitter or anything.. I always start out in the right place but then clicking on one page leads me to another, & then a cool DIY article, & then to someone's blog (which I then have to bookmark or start following), & then to their Twitter (which I'll add too), but I won't get stuck on there, backtrack & then to something else. I'm somewhat staying on topic, but it's 3am & I feel like I'm going mad with the need to find more interesting stuff.

I've been doing some "research" (if you call poking around on Google image search as research) for my Design Process project of creating a dream closet for my pretend client Nellie. Over Thanksgiving break Steve & Nellie invited me over (& thank god they did because if they hadn't I would've been eating spam & eggs instead of turkey & mashed potatoes) & Nellie was showing me some of her favorite shoes & purses (because her closet is in the guest bedroom & she was cleaning it up for me to sleep). All of her super expensive, name brand, amazing labels I've never seen in real life were all tucked away into little boxes & bags & crammed into a tiny closet that's even smaller than my crappy apartment's. If I had nice expensive things like that, they'd be out on display & I would show them proudly, & then when other people would gawk at it all I'd just be like "Oh, yeah, that. It's no big deal." & that's when my project idea struck me. I need to make a dream closet for Nellie! Turn an entire room into her new closet, set everything out as if it were a store, & make it super classy & chic (yes, it's 3:15am & I just tried spelling chic like "sheek" & could not for the life of me understand why it got a red underline).

I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to come to class with though. The teacher said she wanted a floor plan (or an idea of one?) but on a 30x30" piece of paper? Not only is that freaking huge, but whaaaaat kind of scale are we talking about? I definitely remember her saying she didn't want us to get complicated by doing more than one room, but she might have also said something about this room being like 900 sq. ft? That's waaaaay bigger than what I'm working with in real life here, how am I supposed to picture that? I love my design process teacher, but honestly I think the class is kind of a joke with all the "do whatever you want just for fun" assignments & now with our final project being totally unclear. I just don't think I'm actually learning anything out of this class & I feel like it should be demoted to an after school club. Which I would totally sign up for.

Aw crap, now I'm looking at photography sites. -_-

Making new friends!

I meant for this to be a quick little entry, but I ended up spending way too much time looking for a picture. Oh well! So anyway, today was really awesome. I got my Principles of Color project done on time & using the Sims 3 actually turned out really well! We got our assignment for the final project & I totally have it figured out, I just have to work on the little details & hopefully my baking/decorating skills are as good as I'm picturing it in my head. Anyway, while working in the library a classmate came up to me & asked if I wanted to take a break & grab a bite to eat. I thought that was awesome because I never really get any chances to go out with other people & I want to make friends with as many people as I can. It was really nice though, we walked across the street to the Panini Cafe & sat outside talking about our projects, classes, our goals, what brought us to FIDM, Thanksgiving break, just all sorts of things. It was sooo nice. I know it's super lame, I'm just really excited that I'm actually meeting new people & not falling into my usual hermit crab ways.

Anway, have to cram cram crammmm drafting homework. Hopefully I'll have time to sleep tonight.

The line of control.

I'm talking myself into peace again. My power of control ends with the last layer of skin attached to my body. I cannot control things beyond me. I cannot control other people. I can only control myself, the things that I do, the way that I think, the things that I say, the things I don't say, the way I let things affect me, the way I act out how things affect me.. but it ends there. Saying that, I picture this really tall cliff island where I can run around crazy & do whatever I want but beyond that edge is a bottomless black void that I'll fall off of & just keep falling. Because there's nothing beyond the cliffs edge. Absolutely nothing. So I need to realize what I DO have, which is myself. I only have me. I am the only thing that is consistent & the only thing that matters, the only thing I can change. I know, contradiction--I am consistent & I am the change. But I'm the only thing I have an effective say in. Having said that, I need to indulge, dive in, & completely consume myself in what I do have. Right now, it's my school. My projects aren't going to care that I had a bad night & I've cried my eyes out. Therefor, anything that isn't my project, isn't in my hands waiting to be finished doesn't matter. My world does no t extend beyond what's directly in front of me. This is all that I have. If this doesn't get done I have absolutely nothing to show for myself. You cannot control people, stop trying to make them change. Accept them for who they are & move on. Whatever "moving on" best means for you at the moment. YOU CANNOT CHANGE PEOPLE. ACCEPT THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE. ACCEPT THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE & YOU WILL BE HAPPY.

Your line of control ends with you & you need to realize that & make what you can control matter.

Just a little pep talk.

I know my blog's been quite the Negative Nancy lately, & I'm sorry. That definitely wasn't the intention for making this thing & I need to keep that in mind. This one's supposed to be the bright cheery one. The one with pictures, & that's inspiring, & nostalgic, & more of an overall look of my days rather than a never-ending rant. That probably won't change anything the next time something upsetting comes along, but oh well. I figured it was about time for a change of pace for myself (since I've been so non-stop with school & just everything). I need to keep myself at a high positive level or else I'll crumble apart & lose everything, & I just don't have time for that.

Anyway, back to my reason for getting on here. I was just brushing my teeth when I had these thoughts starting to come into my head. It's probably been the best thing I've said to myself in a while, & I know I need it.

There are a thousand reasons to be unhappy; sitting & thinking about them is the easy way out. The challenge & admirable thing is to go against your odds to find & create your own good things. The world will never stop throwing shit your way & getting down about it is declaring forfeit. But we don't forfeit, we don't give up, & we don't lose. We win, every time. So keep your head up, stay optimistic, & always keep moving.

_

I fucking hate myself & the stupid fucking choices I make myself do. How I throw every off every fucking important thing in my life for the slight possibility of happiness even though history has proved that that wont happen. Why the fuck can't I just accept it? Why the fuck do I keep looking for & wanting something that isn't there, that will never be there, that was never there before but just some fucking mirage & fucking false advertising, some fucking trick to convince me it was the real deal. This is bullshit.

& again, why the fuck do I insist on having a boyfriend that can double as a best friend? Why the FUCK do I think that's possible for me? It's not. I need to stop pausing my life for this stupid fuck "love" shit.

I need to cut out everything negative in my life or I'm going to drown & kill myself & regret absolutely everything I'm trying to do down here for the rest of my life. This is what's real. I'm real, what I'm doing is real. Negativity, anger, frustration, crying, sadness, wanting to break something, screaming.. it's killing me, it's making me depressed, it's affecting everything I do, it kills my creativity, it kills my want to be creative, I don't set goals, I don't bother, I don't do anything extra, I don't care I'M FUCKING PISSED RIGHT NOW & I'M MAD THAT I'M ANGRY WHICH IS MAKING ME MORE MAD & there's not a goddamned thing I can do about it. Not a single person I can talk to. No one to calm me down, give me real honest good advice, no one that makes me feel like they're really there & that they really care & have my best interest at heart. I'm fucking stuck. How do I get myself out of this mess? without cutting off all my limbs? is that even possible?

I am alone, I just need to accept that & stop looking for someone else to fix my problems for me. I need to create my own happiness, depend on me to cheer myself up. This is it, this is what's real, this is what's still going to be here tomorrow.

You could at least pretend that you care.

I'm not even going to recap. I'm just going to start spewing out would say right now if I could send you a 100 page text, or yell at you one the phone.

I just told you that I felt that I was going to start pulling away form you & you basically just say "ok"? Why do I feel completely worthless right now? & if you actually do agree with my statement, well why the fuck did you waste my time for so long, convincing me of this bullshit that means nothing to you, that's just a bunch of fucking made up words. Why am I so hurt right now?

I have no one to talk to this about. I am completely falling apart. I am so completely alone, & I'm not ready to just "get over it" because the stupid part of me still really wants you & wants everything to work. I know once I close that door, I will never, ever let it be opened to you again. & I told you I was making my way for you & you pretty much like "here, let me get that for you" & holding it open so that I can quickly leave.

Thanks.