Monday, May 25, 2009

I've realized a new fear of mine.

So I just got done watching Benjamin Button (which was an incredible movie) & it seemed to have tapped into some fears of mine. One being, which isn't an uncommon one, death. It seemed like in a spilt second I became overwhelmed how real death is. It's going to happen to me one day. I imagine though that I'll be old. I can't even picture myself old. When you die, does a feeling of knowing it's your time consume you with a sensation starting in your toes & working it's way up? Who will miss me? Who will I leave behind? & oh my god, that's going to be me one day... It's just a fear of the unknown & a fear of losing what I haven't even gotten yet. When I'm at that point though, will I look back on my life with regret? Will there be things that I wish I had done? Would I think that I wasted my time one something? It's hard.. & there's a sadness that comes with thoughts like that.

The fear that realized today is kind of a strange one. I don't really know why, but for some reason ideas of getting married, kids, & all those things that are so far beyond me have been particularly sticking out in my mind. Maybe it's because I am so scared of all of those things that they stick out so. I don't know, but the fear of mine is the look on the man's face (whoever he may be) when I tell him that I'm pregnant. Will he be scared? Angry? Disappointed? Happy? Excited? Sad? Depressed? Ecstatic? Would he still want to be with me? Would he leave right then & there? Would he hug me? Would he kiss me? Would he cry? Would he say nothing at all? I guess it's that first initial moment right after I would say it is what I fear the most. I'm not sure if I would even watch. I'd have to though. I would be so incredibly terrified, but I'd have to know.. I think because a moment like that is such a toss up on what the outcome would be, I'm just too scared to even put myself in a situation like that. Not that I want to (ever) have kids, & especially right now.. or that I'm even with the right person.. I don't know. It just freaks me out to ask a question or to say something & completely, entirely, & honestly not know what the answer/reply is going to be.

Anyway, everyone's already knocked out (I'm the only one who actually made it through the entire movie) & I've got to wake up early tomorrow/in a few hours. I think we're heading down towards LA. I guess it's like 5-7 hours away from here. I hate riding in the car though. It makes me totally sick. bleh. Hopefully I can ride in the front this time; that should help a little.

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