Tuesday, July 27, 2010


he said I was the biggest girl he's ever been with.

Goodbye confidence, self esteem, good food, cute clothes, regular food...

Hi sweaters.

This intense, creeping, forever feeling.

It's kind of like walking to the end of a dock at night & staring out into pure nothingness. A nothingness that goes on forever with no end & not a single speck of light to help your eye relate the distance. And you know what's supposed to be out there & you try to squint your eyes to see if you can see it..

But it's not there. & it never will be there. & you know this. Yet you still hope that maybe a boat will go by or something will light up... so you sit there & wait. Waiting for nothing, while staring at nothing, while doing nothing, & surrounded by nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

But nothing is infectious. Nothing can grow & spread faster than you realize, if there's a small enough gap for it to wiggle it's way into. Nothing can be breathed in & sink into your chest, fan out it's little fingers & slowly, one by one, touch every organ & cell, spreading its nothingness & turning everything pitch black. Until you're as dead & empty & silent as the air around you.

I'm having a(nother) crappy night & I'm feeling totally alone in it. I've been feeling totally alone. Feeling alone & physically being alone are two different things. Feeling alone just makes you give up hope. In everything. Everybody needs their somebody.. & I don't have anybody. I know I'm not supposed to let things/objects/positions/titles/people define me & totally ruin me when they no longer exist, but I want something that's mine, something that will always be mine no matter what. & that's what's impossible. That will be my downfall.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

My heart can begin to heal.

So Billy & I are together again, & I'm honestly so deeply & incredibly happy. I feel like after all of this... crap that just happened, my eyes are finally really open& I'm ready to start giving this relationship what it deserves, giving Billy what he deserves. I know we can make each other really happy. & I have to remember to balance my life & not push everything onto him & expect him to fulfill everything that my life lacks. I need to be a happy & enjoyable person to be around & really starting loving my own life. Start loving myself.

I just wanted to put this in here so that it doesn't look like only terrible things happen to me.

Also, I've called 3 design firms looking for interns & I'm waiting to hear back from them. Hopefully someone wants me :D

Oh, & Billy's coming here this Saturday. I'm so happy :)

And my parents are coming here this tuesday!

AND my birthday is in 9 days :)

Ok, that's all.