Sunday, October 24, 2010


I feel like we've put ourselves on some kind of intense, super model skinny relationship-diet. Now, what we've done with our diet is taken away all the delicious indulgences that are over rich & too sweet. Delicious, wonderful, lustfull things make our relationship fat. Now that they're gone, we function & live on without them. Not even wanting them. Our appetite for love is gone. Our relationship is frail & skinny, & there's no meat or cushion on those bones. Its not even attractive anymore. Nobody wants it...

But I'm tired of starving.
Feed me :(

Just a weird analogy that came to my head. I don't know I if you know this, but I love analogies. It helps me figure myself out, through something else. Bed time.

Saturday, October 16, 2010


FINALLY! I told you happy times were on their way!

You didn't believe me though, did you? That's ok, I only half believed it myself, & that's because I had to or I was going to fall apart. (Frack, my crest whitestrips keep slipping off my teeth. Does anybody else have this problem? & of course my tongue finds the messed up corned & keeps prodding it.)

I'm celebrating because at the near end of this terrible & emotionally exhausting day, I got a call from an old friend (who I allllways love randomly hearing from) that completely turned my night, mood, & state of mind around. So what if it started out as a drunk dial. He called while I was crying & was totally awesome about it. That's amazingly good timing in my book.

Anyway, that's all I'm going to say. (Lame, I know. I get into huge detail about the things that are tearing me up, but just skim the surface of anything good.) The point is that I'm so extremely happy. A real happy. I laughed. I was laughing. Someone actually wanted to talk to me. ME. It's just a good feeling. & for like 4 & a half hours! Not one complaint, or fight, or anything. It was just so natural & easy & fun & nice for once.

Eh, I've got another 7 minutes on my whitestrips--I'll kill some time...

I've been using the Sims 3 game to help me get ideas for my design proposal for my Residential Design Practice/Thesis class. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but I'm such a visual person. I can't just stare at a blank piece of paper & go "OOH! Design for an entire house! I've got it!" This is really working for me, so who cares, right? My house design is going to me awesome though. Plus Tyler said I could use his name if I needed a new one for my client profile. :D He might've been drunk, but he still said it so, fair game! (Gah, are your teeth supposed to start aching after a few nights of crest whitestrips? There's definitely maybe something wrong going on here.)

Oh! Time's up! Gotta go :)
& goodnight!
(at 5:50 in the morning)

Friday, October 15, 2010

After looking through some of my past posts:

Jeez. What a bummer blog I have.
Well, I guess I shouldn't apologize for it.. I blog for me, not for "you". & by "you" I simply of course mean anyone who's not me.

Happier days are just around the corner though. Hopefully. Somewhere.
I'll let "you" know.

Looking back at old pictures...

Do you ever look at old pictures & think to yourself
"What a liar." & "I bet you knew ALL along." ?

It's ok. I do it too.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Homework Playlist

I'm in a particularly good/productive mood, perfect for last minute homeworking. Since my blog has been such a Debbie Downer lately, I thought I'd share something that's keeping me happy for once.

(Grooveshark is awesome btw, in case you've never heard/used it before)
My playlist (on shuffle):

* "We Used to Wait" - Arcade Fire
* "Tinfoil hats" - Rocky Votolato
* "Eyes" - Rogue Wave
* "Lake Michigan" - Rogue Wave
* "Something Good Can Work" - Two Door Cinema Club
* "1901" - Phoenix
* "Lisztomania" - Phoenix
* "Girlfriend" - Phoenix
* "Armistice" - Phoenix
* "Svefn G Englar" - Sigur Ros
* "Hoppipolla" - Sigur Ros
* "Viorar Vel Til Loftarasa" -Sigur Ros
* "Hero" - Regina Spektor
* "Us" - Regina Spektor
* "Sweet Disposition" - The Tempter Trap
* "Animal" - Miike Snow
* "Animal" - Neon Trees
* "Animal (acoustic)" - Neon Trees
* "Tighten Up" - The Black Keys
* "Little Lion Man" - Mumford & Sons
* "Undercover Marlyn (Jupiter Remix)" - Two Door Cinema Club
* "Undercover Marlyn" - Two Door Cinema Club
* "Mushaboom (Feist cover)" - The Postal Service

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


I am a failure.
I deserve nothing in the world,
I will get nothing in the world.

Somebody save me.

Monday, October 11, 2010

You can't control other people.

I keep telling myself that to sort of pep-talk myself out of this downer mood I'm in.
I can't control other people.
I can't make people care more.
I can't make someone want me.
I just.. can't.

& this total lack of control & waste of energy is making me feel hopeless. I don't have time to feel hopeless or to deal with any of this really... this is my very last & most hardest quarter ever.. But here I am, & I don't know why. I don't know why I want it to work so bad... maybe it's because I hate giving up, or because I like picturing this perfect future where everything goes right & there's actually a real face to put on the guy, or because we've already come so "far", or because maybe I'm just ever soooooo close to everything working out & I just need to push a little further...

I'm really just ranting & trying to empty my head out. It's 3:35 in the morning & I wanted to go to bed a looooong time ago, but just couldn't. I was just laying here thinking over & over again about how upset he made me, how he didn't care (enough), how being so mad was actually making me sad, how I'm totally alone & it sucks, how there's no one to talk to, how I miss just being able to get a hug from anyone when I was sad..

I don't know what to do. & if I did, I wouldn't know how to do it. & if I did, I wouldn't have the balls to because I don't want to end up alone & even more sad.

Wait, that wasn't the happy-note-before-I-go-to-bed I was hoping for.
Guess I can't even talk myself out of this one this time.

And then I started looking for a picture to put at the beginning of this post, which led me to someone's tumbler, & half an hour & a billion right-click-save-as' later, I'm in a better mood. Note to self, the worst mood can be fixed with some inspiring & artistic pictures. I need a tumbler, but what the fuck is it? Also the page I found is:

So, whatever lame-ass, probably artsy, but definitely emotional & frustrating & sad picture I would have put up there, is now being over-rided (over-rid?) by a picture I found of my future work room in my future whatever living space that's big enough for me to have an entire separate work place that isn't 2 feet from my bed.

And goodnight!