Monday, October 27, 2008

I lost my sense of direction

"Thinking 'I'm better than that' & then finding out I'm actually not" seems to be a recurring theme.

Jesus Christ
are schools expensive--the good ones that I'd actually want to go to, at least. I feel more & more left out on my own when it comes to paying for school. How am I supposed to pay for programs that cost $20,000-81,00o+? But I'm so tired of settling for less. I want to be excited for going to school for interior design, but I can't when I'm obviously dealing with the crap scraps of school options. Are junior colleges even really accredited schools? I'm going to go with probably not. I feel like a bitch for being so picky. Who am I to say that I deserve better? I think in a perfect, money-less world, I'd be going to The Art Institute. I mean, that's what comes to mind when I think of interior design classes... with a well stocked work room, & studio classrooms, & legit design teachers with projects that relate to what I want to learn about.

And I'm tired of going to school with 40 year old people. Seriously, going from one community college to another is starting to give me a really grim outlook on life. Like I'm destined to always aim & be second rate. I don't want to look at myself that way. For some reason I've always thought I was better than that. I'm torn in two. There's one side of me that's letting go & trying to just accept the reality of things, & then there's the other side that keeps pushing & demanding & expecting something better. And they argue with each other. Maybe I'm really split into three pieces. The third one sits in the middle & listens while the other two tug on each arm, trying to win the majority.

I just want to be in a place where I can be inspired & driven to learn more. But the longer I wait for something.. the more I learn to live without it. If the chance comes too late, it just won't feel relevant--like trying to resurrect something that died a long time ago. I don't want that to happen. I mean, it's kind of already started with the giving up/sacrificing/redirecting of plans, but it's not totally gone.. yet.

But still, it all comes down to money, which I'm constantly reminded that I don't have.
*Tuition for Interior Design*
Art Institute: $6,000/quarter 120-180 credits ($54,360+/81,540+)
WSU: $3,360/10-18credits, 80 credits undergrad? (something might be off)
Cornish: $25,300/12-18credits, 122 credits
BCC: $159.55/credit, 161 credits ($25,687+)
Clover Park: $49.71/credit, 124 credits ($6,164+)
Highline: $75.80/credit, 90 credits ($6,822+)


Sunday, October 26, 2008

If I were to take a drive tonight

I would have the best playlist to keep me company. But no, I'm so lame that after I go through all the trouble of getting properly dressed, hand-picking each song to fit the mood I was in, & patiently waiting for it to burn/sync together... now I'm too tired. -_-

The above mentioned playlist consists of:

1) I can feel a hot one - Manchester Orchestra
2) Cast a hook - Laura Viers
3) Elephant gun - Beirut
4) I won't be left - Tegan & Sara
5) Lake Michigan - Rouge Wave
6) Numb - Barcelona
7) The outsiders - Athlete
8) Sometime around midnight - Airborne Toxic Event
9) Such great heights - The Postal Service
10) You're a wolf - Sea wolf
11) Quiet as a mouse - Margot and the Nuclear So & So's
12) Your legs grow - Nada Surf
13) No one's gonna love you - Band of Horses
14) Don't panic - Coldplay
15) See these bones - Nada Surf
16) You don't know me - Ben Folds w/ Regina Spektor
17) Jen is bringin the drugs - Margot and the Nuclear So & So's
18) Skeleton key - Margot and the Nuclear So & So's
19) Always love - Nada Surf
20) Boy with a coin - Iron & Wine

Music is probably the best company I can get (at this hour, & probably at all--no, for sure at all). Though, I think I might have to start journaling again because I've got a ton of thoughts that really need to get out & laying on the floor while draining out to music can only get me so far. My list of people to really talk to seems to of hit an all-time low, & so I must resort to new/other ways to fix my broken mind.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


Long story short, I got a new laptop, took it with me to Seattle, & played around with the webcam while on the ferry with Kim & Anthony.