Diet.

I feel like we've put ourselves on some kind of intense, super model skinny relationship-diet. Now, what we've done with our diet is taken away all the delicious indulgences that are over rich & too sweet. Delicious, wonderful, lustfull things make our relationship fat. Now that they're gone, we function & live on without them. Not even wanting them. Our appetite for love is gone. Our relationship is frail & skinny, & there's no meat or cushion on those bones. Its not even attractive anymore. Nobody wants it...

But I'm tired of starving.
Feed me :(

Just a weird analogy that came to my head. I don't know I if you know this, but I love analogies. It helps me figure myself out, through something else. Bed time.

Success!

FINALLY! I told you happy times were on their way!

You didn't believe me though, did you? That's ok, I only half believed it myself, & that's because I had to or I was going to fall apart. (Frack, my crest whitestrips keep slipping off my teeth. Does anybody else have this problem? & of course my tongue finds the messed up corned & keeps prodding it.)

I'm celebrating because at the near end of this terrible & emotionally exhausting day, I got a call from an old friend (who I allllways love randomly hearing from) that completely turned my night, mood, & state of mind around. So what if it started out as a drunk dial. He called while I was crying & was totally awesome about it. That's amazingly good timing in my book.

Anyway, that's all I'm going to say. (Lame, I know. I get into huge detail about the things that are tearing me up, but just skim the surface of anything good.) The point is that I'm so extremely happy. A real happy. I laughed. I was laughing. Someone actually wanted to talk to me. ME. It's just a good feeling. & for like 4 & a half hours! Not one complaint, or fight, or anything. It was just so natural & easy & fun & nice for once.

Eh, I've got another 7 minutes on my whitestrips--I'll kill some time...

I've been using the Sims 3 game to help me get ideas for my design proposal for my Residential Design Practice/Thesis class. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but I'm such a visual person. I can't just stare at a blank piece of paper & go "OOH! Design for an entire house! I've got it!" This is really working for me, so who cares, right? My house design is going to me awesome though. Plus Tyler said I could use his name if I needed a new one for my client profile. :D He might've been drunk, but he still said it so, fair game! (Gah, are your teeth supposed to start aching after a few nights of crest whitestrips? There's definitely maybe something wrong going on here.)

Oh! Time's up! Gotta go :)

& goodnight!

(at 5:50 in the morning)

After looking through some of my past posts:

Jeez. What a bummer blog I have.

Well, I guess I shouldn't apologize for it.. I blog for me, not for "you". & by "you" I simply of course mean anyone who's not me.

Happier days are just around the corner though. Hopefully. Somewhere.

I'll let "you" know.

Looking back at old pictures...

Do you ever look at old pictures & think to yourself

"What a liar." & "I bet you knew ALL along." ?

It's ok. I do it too.

Homework Playlist

I'm in a particularly good/productive mood, perfect for last minute homeworking. Since my blog has been such a Debbie Downer lately, I thought I'd share something that's keeping me happy for once.

(Grooveshark is awesome btw, in case you've never heard/used it before)

My playlist (on shuffle):

* "We Used to Wait" - Arcade Fire

* "Tinfoil hats" - Rocky Votolato

* "Eyes" - Rogue Wave

* "Lake Michigan" - Rogue Wave

* "Something Good Can Work" - Two Door Cinema Club

* "1901" - Phoenix

* "Lisztomania" - Phoenix

* "Girlfriend" - Phoenix

* "Armistice" - Phoenix

* "Svefn G Englar" - Sigur Ros

* "Hoppipolla" - Sigur Ros

* "Viorar Vel Til Loftarasa" -Sigur Ros

* "Hero" - Regina Spektor

* "Us" - Regina Spektor

* "Sweet Disposition" - The Tempter Trap

* "Animal" - Miike Snow

* "Animal" - Neon Trees

* "Animal (acoustic)" - Neon Trees

* "Tighten Up" - The Black Keys

* "Little Lion Man" - Mumford & Sons

* "Undercover Marlyn (Jupiter Remix)" - Two Door Cinema Club

* "Undercover Marlyn" - Two Door Cinema Club

* "Mushaboom (Feist cover)" - The Postal Service

.

I am a failure.

I deserve nothing in the world,

I will get nothing in the world.

Somebody save me.

You can't control other people.

I keep telling myself that to sort of pep-talk myself out of this downer mood I'm in.

I can't control other people.

I can't make people care more.

I can't make someone want me.

I just.. can't.

& this total lack of control & waste of energy is making me feel hopeless. I don't have time to feel hopeless or to deal with any of this really... this is my very last & most hardest quarter ever.. But here I am, & I don't know why. I don't know why I want it to work so bad... maybe it's because I hate giving up, or because I like picturing this perfect future where everything goes right & there's actually a real face to put on the guy, or because we've already come so "far", or because maybe I'm just ever soooooo close to everything working out & I just need to push a little further...

I'm really just ranting & trying to empty my head out. It's 3:35 in the morning & I wanted to go to bed a looooong time ago, but just couldn't. I was just laying here thinking over & over again about how upset he made me, how he didn't care (enough), how being so mad was actually making me sad, how I'm totally alone & it sucks, how there's no one to talk to, how I miss just being able to get a hug from anyone when I was sad..

I don't know what to do. & if I did, I wouldn't know how to do it. & if I did, I wouldn't have the balls to because I don't want to end up alone & even more sad.

Wait, that wasn't the happy-note-before-I-go-to-bed I was hoping for.

Guess I can't even talk myself out of this one this time.

And then I started looking for a picture to put at the beginning of this post, which led me to someone's tumbler, & half an hour & a billion right-click-save-as' later, I'm in a better mood. Note to self, the worst mood can be fixed with some inspiring & artistic pictures. I need a tumbler, but what the fuck is it? Also the page I found is: http://whyhellothereyou.tumblr.com

So, whatever lame-ass, probably artsy, but definitely emotional & frustrating & sad picture I would have put up there, is now being over-rided (over-rid?) by a picture I found of my future work room in my future whatever living space that's big enough for me to have an entire separate work place that isn't 2 feet from my bed.

And goodnight!

I don't belong anywhere.

I'm in a really low place right now. It's 3:45am & I have no one else to talk to...

What's the point of me going back home for break? I mean, there's really nothing there for me. In reality I have nothing to look forward to. Nothing real. I'm so incredibly heartbroken tonight. My pure anger melted into complete saddness & now I just feel empty. & that all this time has been wasted. I hate how I feel like I have to question everything he does & says. I don't feel loved at all, & when he tells me that he does & feels like they're just total bullshit words that he tries to use to "save" the conversation. If you're with me now & I'm supposedly the one you want to be with now & for a long while, then why the fuck should it matter at all to you if your friends joke around about you not getting with a girl 6 months ago while we weren't together? I feel like the joke here. I feel used, & lied to, & just.. everything feels wasted. Why am I wanting to hurry up & finish school so I can rush back to you? I don't get it. I was being SO nice to you & then you turn around & just hit me in the face with your sharp rudeness. & then create this HUGE situation. & THEN turn it around on me, saying that this was all somehow my fault.

I don't belong back home. I don't belong here in LA. I'm so uncomfortable here. It's been a whole year & I haven't made any friends. My internship fell apart. I can't trust anybody. Everybody I meet is either a total bitch or a guy with a hidden agenda. I finish school in 3 months & I don't know what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go. I just want to be somewhere that's warm & loving & embracing... but maybe it doesn't exist for me.

...

he said I was the biggest girl he's ever been with.

Goodbye confidence, self esteem, good food, cute clothes, regular food...

Hi sweaters.

This intense, creeping, forever feeling.

It's kind of like walking to the end of a dock at night & staring out into pure nothingness. A nothingness that goes on forever with no end & not a single speck of light to help your eye relate the distance. And you know what's supposed to be out there & you try to squint your eyes to see if you can see it..

But it's not there. & it never will be there. & you know this. Yet you still hope that maybe a boat will go by or something will light up... so you sit there & wait. Waiting for nothing, while staring at nothing, while doing nothing, & surrounded by nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

But nothing is infectious. Nothing can grow & spread faster than you realize, if there's a small enough gap for it to wiggle it's way into. Nothing can be breathed in & sink into your chest, fan out it's little fingers & slowly, one by one, touch every organ & cell, spreading its nothingness & turning everything pitch black. Until you're as dead & empty & silent as the air around you.

I'm having a(nother) crappy night & I'm feeling totally alone in it. I've been feeling totally alone. Feeling alone & physically being alone are two different things. Feeling alone just makes you give up hope. In everything. Everybody needs their somebody.. & I don't have anybody. I know I'm not supposed to let things/objects/positions/titles/people define me & totally ruin me when they no longer exist, but I want something that's mine, something that will always be mine no matter what. & that's what's impossible. That will be my downfall.

My heart can begin to heal.

So Billy & I are together again, & I'm honestly so deeply & incredibly happy. I feel like after all of this... crap that just happened, my eyes are finally really open& I'm ready to start giving this relationship what it deserves, giving Billy what he deserves. I know we can make each other really happy. & I have to remember to balance my life & not push everything onto him & expect him to fulfill everything that my life lacks. I need to be a happy & enjoyable person to be around & really starting loving my own life. Start loving myself.

I just wanted to put this in here so that it doesn't look like only terrible things happen to me.

Also, I've called 3 design firms looking for interns & I'm waiting to hear back from them. Hopefully someone wants me :D

Oh, & Billy's coming here this Saturday. I'm so happy :)

And my parents are coming here this tuesday!

AND my birthday is in 9 days :)

Ok, that's all.

My broken heart

has collapsed in on itself & became a black hole, sucking in every little bit of life out of me until I've become this lifeless, loveless, empty shell of a human being. :(

I can't breathe.

I can't move.

I can't eat.

I can't sleep.

I can't smile.

I can't love.

I can't be.

{When one door closes, another one opens}

At least that's what I'm telling myself. It really blows realizing someone doesn't want you anymore, literally overnight.

I can't do this, not now.

{Realizing.. again}

I'm realizing that love & adoration/being IN love are not mutually exclusive.. to have one does not necessarily guarantee the other.

You have no idea how alone I feel.

{History repeats & repeats & repeats & repeats &....}

I was just reading my old livejournal & I haven't changed one bit. I am literally still having the same problems now as I did then. I still think the same way, I still approach situations the same way, I still talk to myself in the same way, I still tell myself that I need to get out there & make friends, I still tell myself that "it's time for change", I still handle relationships in the exact same way... WHAT THE FUCK?!

I can't believe this! I seriously can't believe I'm still having the same problems. So much has happened to me since then, & I'm still the exact same person? Why am I still this way?

I need to talk to somebody.. like a legit therapist/counselor/psychiatrist.. I don't want to be like this unhappy, self destructing, monster for the rest of my life. I'm getting to the point where I'm telling myself "maybe I just don't deserve to be happy... maybe not everyone gets to be that way. I'm just one of those people that don't." & I don't want that for myself. No matter how much I try to tell myself I can settle for that... I really don't want it to be that way.

I just hope the school has something or at least tricare covers visits like that.

My head is fucking screwed up.

I just had the most amazing dream.

I had a dream where I accidentally walked in on someone's rehearsal wedding reception/dinner & I was so off-put because the restaurant was so bland & terribly lit. I grabbed someone & told them that I could make the place look soooo much better just by moving some things around & changing up the lighting. Then I drew them some sketches & basically got hired. The last thing I remember saying was "I'm just glad I finally get to put this $50,000 education to use."

This blog post isn't as exciting as I meant for it to be, my brain's kind of off suddenly, but I really am excited that I had this dream. It's kind of pushed me, like I kind of saw into the future & there's hope.

What's it like?

C G Am ; E Am E Am ; C Cmaj7 G Gmaj9

What's it like to be in love?

I still find myself asking that.

Does he give you butterlies?

When he touches your skin,

does it make you close your eyes?

Can you feel his heart beat

when he lays so close to you?

Does your mind still go crazy

even though it's not so new to you?

Is there something wrong with me?

Should I know all of these things already?

Does his hand always find yours?

How do a few minutes turn into hours?

Could you spend forever

just playing with his palm?

Is it better when you're silent

& you say nothing at all?

What's it like to have a broken heart?

Does it feel just like a paper cut?

Or is it like when you scrape your knee?

Does it bleed so endlessly?

What's it like?

What's it like?

What's it like to be in love?

I still find myself asking that.

But it's not comedy

D Bm/ G A D ; D Bm ; G Bm A A7

Once upon a time,

there was a boy.

He lived by himself

in the house on the hill.

Then one day the Avon lady came

& with her he'd stay...

I have scissors for hands,

scissors for hands.

I can't hold you.

I can't hold you.

I popped your waterbed

& hurt your brother's head.

But you aren't very mad at me.

I want to touch your hair,

but it's not fair.

You're too scared to be with me.

Cause I have...

Scissors for hands,

scissors for hands.

I can't hold you.

I can't hold you.

I wore your father's blouse,

broke in your boyfriend's house,

but I did it cause you asked me to.

Carved ice in your backyard,

I made your hand bleed hard.

but I never meant to hurt you.

Cause I have...

Scissors for hands,

scissors for hands.

I can't hold you.

I can't hold you.

My dad was

an inventor,

& he made real hands for me. But,

one day he

never woke up.

He was never asleep...

I have...

Scissors for hands,

scissors for hands.

I can't hold you.

I can't hold you.

I can make it snow.

& your kiss lets me know,

let's me know that you do love me.

I have scissors for hands,

scissors for hands,

scissors for hands

so I can't hold

you.

Big Fucking Deal

(at least that's what I think it's called. There's no title on the actual piece of paper)

C Em Fm ; Fm G

Hang yourself before you tell her.

Your secret dies too.

What would you rather do,

break her heart in two?

Whatcha' gunna do now?

Whatcha' gunna do?

Tossed into your bed; you think you're

losing all your strength.

You'd give anything if you could

just talk to him again.

You're losing it.

You're losing it; you're so dumb.

She's your best friend,

she 's your friend.

What do you think you're doing still talking to him?

There you are,

oh, there you are.

Are you going to keep doing this from now on?

Are you gunna?

Or are you gunna tell her what is going on?

No.

There's a million other people

that you could've fallen in love with.

All those things that people say,

"You'll still be friends" is a myth.

You've done it now.

You've done it now; you're so dumb.

She's your best friend,

she 's your friend.

What do you think you're doing still talking to him?

There you are,

oh, there you are.

Are you going to keep doing this from now on?

Are you gunna?

Or are you gunna tell her what is going on?

No.

Let go of this before it gets

too late.

Let go of him before it gets

too late.

Save yourself by saving

her first.

She's your best friend,

she 's your friend.

What do you think you're doing still talking to him?

There you are,

oh, there you are.

Are you going to keep doing this from now on?

Are you gunna?

Or are you gunna tell her what is going on?

No.

awkward honesty

G Bm Am C

Am I knotting up your insides

when I tell you not to waste your time?

Knotting up your insides

though I'm far away from you?

I'm only trying to save you from breaking your own heart.

You're a nice guy,

don't waste your time on me.

Sometimes I think I am better off alone,

all by myself.

No one to argue with,

no one to tell me lie after lie,

& confuse me with their hypnotic eyes.

& here you are, you come around

& you tell me not to hide

from everything,

but you're so naive, you can't stop me.

Am I knotting up your insides

when I tell you not to waste your time?

Knotting up your insides

though I'm far away from you?

I'm only trying to save you from breaking your own heart.

You're a nice guy,

don't waste your time on me.

Words are pieced together

like the moasic tiles on the shelf

that you keep above your bed.

You say you're having trouble with sleeping at night

& you blame me.

You say I mess with your head.

But every time I see you try,

try to make this thing work..

it starts to get too awkward for me.

It's you're honesty.

Don't waste your time.

Don't waste your time.

Don't waste your time.

Am I knotting up your insides

when I tell you not to waste your time?

Knotting up your insides

though I'm far away from you?

I'm only trying to save you from breaking your own heart.

You're a nice guy,

don't waste your time on me.

Don't waste your time.

Don't waste your time.

Don't waste your time on me.

I've been catching my mind wandering off to really weird places...

Places that I'm actually kind of embarrassed to admit that my mind's actually even ever been there. I don't know, maybe it's that biological clock (?) I've always heard about. I'm starting to go from "I'm never getting married, ever." to "well.. hypothetically speaking, if I ever were to get married, which I probably wont because I'm going to end up alone & with 83 cats, but if I were to.." I've just been finding myself thinking about things like what kind of dress would I want at my wedding, what kind of flowers, what kind of house I would want to live in, where I would want to live, what my life would be like...

Of course it could also just be the living alone for the past 6+ months getting to me.

Being back at home has been nice though. Things could always be better & I don't really feel like pointing out the things that have really been bothering me (amazingly enough), but I have less than a week left. I haven't taken any pictures with anyone yet. I haven't gone clubbing/dancing. I haven't even gone to a party. I haven't seen all of my friends at one place at one time. I haven't been up to the Space Needle, or around it. I haven't taken pictures in general. I haven't gone to the movies. I haven't worn my new high heels. This is actually making me quite sad. I should recap on what I have actually done...

I've gone to Pike's Place, Uwajimaya, the Ave (somewhat), Westlake (a little bit); I've gotten my hair cut; I've gone shopping at plato's closet, & I've spent a LOT of time at the rec center on base playing video games (& a little bit of pool).

*sigh* I just feel so weird right now for some reason though..

I don't know, but I guess I should get some sleep. I'm going along to the airport tomorrow morning to see my mom off to the Philippines.

Inspiring inspiration?

So, after looking around at some other blogs, & thinking about my own... Maybe I should start posting up images I steal from the internet & save into my "inspirations" folder. That would be kind of cool. Also, I thinking that I should try to use flickr more. I always find awesome stuff on there, but I just haven't totally figured out how to use it. Maybe over break?

Oh man spring break.

I'm almost done with this quarter! I'm dragging to the end though, I'm not going to lie. My body crapped out on me at 4am yesterday while I was up late trying to finish my Residential Design Concepts project. My head was spinning, I was throwing up, nearly in tears, & still trying to draft all at the same time. I got my project done (late) but I missed the final :( I don't know how that's going to affect me in the class, but I hope to god that I passed.

So now I'm up.. it's nearly 5am. I've been up since about 2am or whenever my phone rang, but I had been sleeping since 3 or 4pm. I'm probably going to go back to bed for a little too. From finishing my Photoshop project (monday night) to my Residential project (tuesday night) I only slept a few hours. Was up for nearly 48 hours. So, I need to make up for it.

I still have the final (test) for Survey of Architecture & Interior Design (2), but I'm hoping that the notebook project that I/we turned in was so good that we'll get out of taking the final. I can't ride on that though.. I still need to study. & Then I have my sketching class on Friday, which I should probably be working on now.. but honestly, I'm exhausted. I'd rather sleep up now so I can truck through thursday & get it all done.

Then there's the weekend... where I get my car & take my kitty up to.. I think it's Arcadia & drop him off at a girl's house so she can watch him while I go back home for 2 weeks.

Monday: my Autocad final, which I'm not even going to study for because that was the easiest class in my life. I'm pretty sure I never did homework because I always got it done right there in class.

And then Tuesday! 11:03am flight to Seattle! :D Yay! I'm so excited to see everyone again. 2 whole weeks! I bet it's going to fly by though. I need to take a billion pictures.

Anyway! This started out as a 'note to self' & then turned into a whole post. Whoops?

:)

In the tune of "I will follow you into the dark"

I cooked you food

Lit candles to set the mood

Even cleaned up just for you

Before, it was all fun

Now with some insight

I see how you are in real life

& baby it’s not right

For you to get used to all this

I share my bed at night & even more than that sometimes

I bake & wash your clothes & you eat all my rice

If you can’t see why this situation blows

Baby I draw the line at oreos

I wait for you

Patiently wait for you

To “quickly” leave my room

& somehow 6 hours have passed

You want my time

Every fucking minute of my time

But I need time that is just all mine

What is it that you don’t get?

I share my bed at night & even more than that sometimes

I bake & wash your clothes & you eat all my rice

If you can’t see why this situation blows

Baby I draw the line at oreos

One more thing while I'm still here..

God, it is bothering me so much that we aren't friends. I keep letting it slip my mind why, I mean, I know exactly why, but I wish it didn't happen like that. Things were so good (well, "so good" for not being together) before it all went down the drain. But I keep thinking about that second before it all went bad.. & I can't stop.

I wish that we were still talking =/

Even though, in real life, I know that would never work out. *sigh*

Taking a little break from cleaning my apartment.

I've been needing some "time to myself" lately. I don't know what my deal is, or even if there is a "deal". I think it's just because I'm coming from a long-distance relationship & we never really saw each other... to being with someone & seeing them every freakin' day. Gah, just the thought of it makes me feel like I'm suffocating. I mean, I like him, he's nice, but ohhhhhhh my god, too much, guy, TOO MUCH.

Sometimes I wish I could run away to a village of all women & cats. Maybe that's what I need, some freakin' estrogen power. No, not necessarily, now that I think about it. I think I just need other people that aren't him to hang out with.

Anyway! So cleaning! We love cleaning because it totally de-stresses (un-stresses? hm, both of those are not real words apparently.) you AND of course gives you a cleaner environment at the same time! Wow! What a deal! :D No, but really, I'm all for the stress relievers right now (ohhh, that's the word I was looking for!) stretching, yoga.. ok, maybe not ALL the stress relievers because there's no way in hell I'm going running or taking a walk or anything like that. I'm more of an indoors, in the comfort of my own home kind of person.

Oh! On a happier note, I think I'm going home this spring break! Oh my god, it's going to be SO amazing to go back home. I keep watching Grey's Anatomy for the clips of Seattle at the beginning, & Kim just sent me Love Happens (that I still need to watch) to help me get my Seattle fix. Gah, I'm just dying to walk around U-Village, & downtown Bellevue, & downtown Seattle, & ride the ferry, & see all my friends, & hug people I already know, & stare at the skyline... I can't wait.

Anyway, I'll leave it at that for now. Gotta get back to cleaning!

Fresh start.

A lot of heartbreaking things have happened lately, but I think I'm ready to move on with my life. I remember on the first day of orientation the school president/principle came out & gave us some advice on surviving FIDM & a few of the ones that stuck out to me most were:

- "Start acting like the person you want to become."

- "Surround yourself with people who believe in you."

- "Sometimes you have to lose friends."

- "Remove all the negative influences in your life."

So, I broke up with Billy just recently. It was a hard decision but after a lot of thinking I realized it was for the best. We were making each other become people we never wanted to be. I have felt like this for a long while now, & with the new year, new classes, & meeting new people, I realized that our relationship was the only thing holding me back from completely submerging myself in a forward movement. I really want to make the best & get the most out of my time here in LA (however long that may be) & my time at school. I want to take advantage of every opportunity that is available for me & just really start working towards being the "person that I want to become".

I've recently joined the American Society for Interior Designers club(?) at school, & I'm really thinking about signing up for the Set Design/Decorating club (because I think that is just SO awesome). So I'll really be getting some insight into interior design, I'll be more involved at school, I can meet some new people, & just really start loving life again.

A couple months ago I met this guy named John through some friends who were helping me out while I was bombing my cockroach infested apartment. We've been talking a lot lately & recently hanging out. There isn't any pressure for anything to come out of this, which I think is really important (especially with the recent break up with Billy), it's just so wonderful to hang out with a really creative person. I feel like I'm going to get a lot out of being around him. He has a really positive vibe & all of his creativity & dedication to his job really inspires me to do the same (be creative & have a drive for school). We're supposed to meet up tomorrow for some Pho, which I'm really excited for because I've been craving it & it's been extremely cold, wet, & gloomy here in LA which is starting to make me sick & all of my canned soups taste gross. He's just a nice guy to hang out with & be around & I'm really looking forward to all the good things that are about to happen in my life.

I should probably stop there for now. I have sketching homework that's due on Friday & I want to get as much done before we get pho so I don't feel guilty about being out.

I feel like my relationship is falling apart.

New Layout

& by "new" I of course mean basically just jacked from my twitter so that they're nearly identical. I couldn't stand the blogger default layout anymore & I knew of a background & color combo that I was for sure would work, so why not?

I should start using this more. Just like I should start working out. Except this time I mean it. Like all the other times. Except for real! I'm not working & my apartment is cleaned already. I'm out of excuses!