Sunday, December 6, 2009

Heavy heart:

"Melancholy; depressed; sad.
When your heart is weighted down by sorrow. Often times a death, or when you are still in love with someone from the past."

I hate that I still miss some feelings sometimes.

Friday, December 4, 2009


I can never get my homework done when I need to go online & find things to do it. It's not because I get distracted with Facebook or Twitter or anything.. I always start out in the right place but then clicking on one page leads me to another, & then a cool DIY article, & then to someone's blog (which I then have to bookmark or start following), & then to their Twitter (which I'll add too), but I won't get stuck on there, backtrack & then to something else. I'm somewhat staying on topic, but it's 3am & I feel like I'm going mad with the need to find more interesting stuff.

I've been doing some "research" (if you call poking around on Google image search as research) for my Design Process project of creating a dream closet for my pretend client Nellie. Over Thanksgiving break Steve & Nellie invited me over (& thank god they did because if they hadn't I would've been eating spam & eggs instead of turkey & mashed potatoes) & Nellie was showing me some of her favorite shoes & purses (because her closet is in the guest bedroom & she was cleaning it up for me to sleep). All of her super expensive, name brand, amazing labels I've never seen in real life were all tucked away into little boxes & bags & crammed into a tiny closet that's even smaller than my crappy apartment's. If I had nice expensive things like that, they'd be out on display & I would show them proudly, & then when other people would gawk at it all I'd just be like "Oh, yeah, that. It's no big deal." & that's when my project idea struck me. I need to make a dream closet for Nellie! Turn an entire room into her new closet, set everything out as if it were a store, & make it super classy & chic (yes, it's 3:15am & I just tried spelling chic like "sheek" & could not for the life of me understand why it got a red underline).

I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to come to class with though. The teacher said she wanted a floor plan (or an idea of one?) but on a 30x30" piece of paper? Not only is that freaking huge, but whaaaaat kind of scale are we talking about? I definitely remember her saying she didn't want us to get complicated by doing more than one room, but she might have also said something about this room being like 900 sq. ft? That's waaaaay bigger than what I'm working with in real life here, how am I supposed to picture that? I love my design process teacher, but honestly I think the class is kind of a joke with all the "do whatever you want just for fun" assignments & now with our final project being totally unclear. I just don't think I'm actually learning anything out of this class & I feel like it should be demoted to an after school club. Which I would totally sign up for.

Aw crap, now I'm looking at photography sites. -_-

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Making new friends!

I meant for this to be a quick little entry, but I ended up spending way too much time looking for a picture. Oh well! So anyway, today was really awesome. I got my Principles of Color project done on time & using the Sims 3 actually turned out really well! We got our assignment for the final project & I totally have it figured out, I just have to work on the little details & hopefully my baking/decorating skills are as good as I'm picturing it in my head. Anyway, while working in the library a classmate came up to me & asked if I wanted to take a break & grab a bite to eat. I thought that was awesome because I never really get any chances to go out with other people & I want to make friends with as many people as I can. It was really nice though, we walked across the street to the Panini Cafe & sat outside talking about our projects, classes, our goals, what brought us to FIDM, Thanksgiving break, just all sorts of things. It was sooo nice. I know it's super lame, I'm just really excited that I'm actually meeting new people & not falling into my usual hermit crab ways.

Anway, have to cram cram crammmm drafting homework. Hopefully I'll have time to sleep tonight.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The line of control.

I'm talking myself into peace again. My power of control ends with the last layer of skin attached to my body. I cannot control things beyond me. I cannot control other people. I can only control myself, the things that I do, the way that I think, the things that I say, the things I don't say, the way I let things affect me, the way I act out how things affect me.. but it ends there. Saying that, I picture this really tall cliff island where I can run around crazy & do whatever I want but beyond that edge is a bottomless black void that I'll fall off of & just keep falling. Because there's nothing beyond the cliffs edge. Absolutely nothing. So I need to realize what I DO have, which is myself. I only have me. I am the only thing that is consistent & the only thing that matters, the only thing I can change. I know, contradiction--I am consistent & I am the change. But I'm the only thing I have an effective say in. Having said that, I need to indulge, dive in, & completely consume myself in what I do have. Right now, it's my school. My projects aren't going to care that I had a bad night & I've cried my eyes out. Therefor, anything that isn't my project, isn't in my hands waiting to be finished doesn't matter. My world does no t extend beyond what's directly in front of me. This is all that I have. If this doesn't get done I have absolutely nothing to show for myself. You cannot control people, stop trying to make them change. Accept them for who they are & move on. Whatever "moving on" best means for you at the moment. YOU CANNOT CHANGE PEOPLE. ACCEPT THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE. ACCEPT THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE & YOU WILL BE HAPPY.

Your line of control ends with you & you need to realize that & make what you can control matter.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Just a little pep talk.

I know my blog's been quite the Negative Nancy lately, & I'm sorry. That definitely wasn't the intention for making this thing & I need to keep that in mind. This one's supposed to be the bright cheery one. The one with pictures, & that's inspiring, & nostalgic, & more of an overall look of my days rather than a never-ending rant. That probably won't change anything the next time something upsetting comes along, but oh well. I figured it was about time for a change of pace for myself (since I've been so non-stop with school & just everything). I need to keep myself at a high positive level or else I'll crumble apart & lose everything, & I just don't have time for that.

Anyway, back to my reason for getting on here. I was just brushing my teeth when I had these thoughts starting to come into my head. It's probably been the best thing I've said to myself in a while, & I know I need it.

There are a thousand reasons to be unhappy; sitting & thinking about them is the easy way out. The challenge & admirable thing is to go against your odds to find & create your own good things. The world will never stop throwing shit your way & getting down about it is declaring forfeit. But we don't forfeit, we don't give up, & we don't lose. We win, every time. So keep your head up, stay optimistic, & always keep moving.

Sunday, October 25, 2009


I fucking hate myself & the stupid fucking choices I make myself do. How I throw every off every fucking important thing in my life for the slight possibility of happiness even though history has proved that that wont happen. Why the fuck can't I just accept it? Why the fuck do I keep looking for & wanting something that isn't there, that will never be there, that was never there before but just some fucking mirage & fucking false advertising, some fucking trick to convince me it was the real deal. This is bullshit.

& again, why the fuck do I insist on having a boyfriend that can double as a best friend? Why the FUCK do I think that's possible for me? It's not. I need to stop pausing my life for this stupid fuck "love" shit.

I need to cut out everything negative in my life or I'm going to drown & kill myself & regret absolutely everything I'm trying to do down here for the rest of my life. This is what's real. I'm real, what I'm doing is real. Negativity, anger, frustration, crying, sadness, wanting to break something, screaming.. it's killing me, it's making me depressed, it's affecting everything I do, it kills my creativity, it kills my want to be creative, I don't set goals, I don't bother, I don't do anything extra, I don't care I'M FUCKING PISSED RIGHT NOW & I'M MAD THAT I'M ANGRY WHICH IS MAKING ME MORE MAD & there's not a goddamned thing I can do about it. Not a single person I can talk to. No one to calm me down, give me real honest good advice, no one that makes me feel like they're really there & that they really care & have my best interest at heart. I'm fucking stuck. How do I get myself out of this mess? without cutting off all my limbs? is that even possible?

I am alone, I just need to accept that & stop looking for someone else to fix my problems for me. I need to create my own happiness, depend on me to cheer myself up. This is it, this is what's real, this is what's still going to be here tomorrow.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

You could at least pretend that you care.

I'm not even going to recap. I'm just going to start spewing out would say right now if I could send you a 100 page text, or yell at you one the phone.

I just told you that I felt that I was going to start pulling away form you & you basically just say "ok"? Why do I feel completely worthless right now? & if you actually do agree with my statement, well why the fuck did you waste my time for so long, convincing me of this bullshit that means nothing to you, that's just a bunch of fucking made up words. Why am I so hurt right now?

I have no one to talk to this about. I am completely falling apart. I am so completely alone, & I'm not ready to just "get over it" because the stupid part of me still really wants you & wants everything to work. I know once I close that door, I will never, ever let it be opened to you again. & I told you I was making my way for you & you pretty much like "here, let me get that for you" & holding it open so that I can quickly leave.


Sunday, September 13, 2009

Seven days...

All I can think about are the things I can hold on to.. the things I already & definitely call "mine". That, & how those things aren't going to be there for me anymore. I don't know whether to embrace & hold on for as long as possible or push away & try to stand on my own. I'll hurt either way. It hasn't hit me yet. Maybe because I haven't found a place to live; I can't picture it yet.

I'm kind of super hurt that a lot of people didn't show up to my going away party. I mean, I guess I kind of expected it to turn out that way. & I'm not saying that the 6 that showed up wasn't enough for me, it was so amazing & wonderful to know that a few people would go so out of their way just for me... I guess that's what I need to focus on. What I do have. If I keep focusing on what could've been or how I wished it were I'll be stuck on living in a sad past. This is for me. Let's focus on me. C'mon Veronica, it's time for you this time, for real this time. We're not going to shut everyone out but we can't insist on hiding behind everything forever. Especially if I'm 1,127 miles away... Let's do this, please?

=/ bah, I really want to talk to Billy right now.. he's not picking up though. I guess I need to practice being able to handle on my own though. Being able to talk to someone else would be nice though..

I should pack.. I'll probably just sleep though.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I will not waste time.

So many big changes are about to happen. Just thinking about it all overwhelms me & fills me up with excitement, but at the same time with deep sadness. I'm leaving absolutely everything I know, everyone I love, everything safe. Everything. It scares me shitless but at the same time it's everything I want. A myriad of things I'm leaving behind.

But it's ok. Leaving everything I have for everything I want.. & everything I could/can/will be.

I've been waiting a very long time for this.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

One day

we will be happy.

Hopefully it's together.

Friday, August 7, 2009

feelings beyond my control

I've been getting really easily irritated lately. I don't know why. Just little things that Billy does.. they really get to me for some reason. It's never just one little thing though, but it's like after one thing kind of annoys me, the collection of irritation begins until I explode with frustration tears. I get so frustrated & it just rips me apart because I'm not going to scream my head off at him, I can't throw anything, I won't break anything, & the fact that I'm bottling it up & can't get it out frustrates me even more. All I can do is dig my nails into my skin, squirm a bit, & cry until I'm exhausted. The way I think doesn't convert into coherent words, which works against me because all that ends up coming out is "I don't know" & then he goes "So you don't even know why you're mad?" No! It's not that I don't know why, it's that I don't know how to put it into words yet. I hate that I'm not as eloquent as I am in my head. Somewhere between my brain & my mouth, everything falls apart.

He doesn't really help when the situation gets to that point either though.. in fact he kind of adds to it. He's just so quick to be defensive & already takes a annoyed tone with me that it gets even bigger. I feel like I want him to be this big huge fix to everything, but it's so hard to pull someone closer & want to push them away at the same time. But he always has these little stabs--"So you're mad because [insert some stupid reason that obviously doesn't relate or isn't the cause]?" asdfasdfasdf It's frustrating because he doesn't make the situation any better & it's up to me to fix my own problems.

But I don't know how to. I'm frustated with him, but I'm also frustrated with myself that I'm constantly feeling like this. It's exhausting & completely opposite of who I am. I never fight with boyfriends, friends, people. I don't like being in that situation, but I can't just pretend that there isn't some sort of problem. Subconsciously there's something I'm upset with & I'll be doing little actions like pushing him away as a joke at first but then really mean it before I even realize that I do. That doesn't make any sense. I just don't know how to deal with this. I really don't want to break up, but I don't want to have this feeling of being stuck together when things like this happen. Trying to hold myself together while being pushed to the edge kind of drains me.. I start to feel really empty & robotic & dead.

Do I just sit back & watch us fall apart?

Sunday, June 28, 2009

I am frustrated.

Actually, that is a complete understatement. I don't know why, but my phone messing up (constantly), not syncing up right on google calendar, & making TONS of copies of events on my phone's calendar has struck a chord. And a bad one at that. I want to rip my hair out & scream & break my first through the screen & smash things & UGHSDF;OJSDAFKJSDKJ I'm already goddamned tired. I don't know wtf's wrong with it but it's extra pissing me off because the events that I actually put in there (aka my WORK SCHEDULE) are set to have an alarm go off an hour early (you know, for me to wake up in time for work) AND THEY HAVEN'T BEEN GOING OFF. I havent' been sleeping through them, I know that for sure because my alarm is loud as shit & I've also already been already awake & heard nothing. It's just frustrating dealing with an expensive piece of shit that does none of the things I originally bought it for. Thanks Blackberry & Verizon, you really fucked me on this one.

Also, for some goddamned reason Billy is stuck is downtown Seattle & thought it would be a genius idea to WALK all the way to his house. at 2am. by himself. Why the fuck is he being such a retard tonight?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Last string*

*for now

So it happened today... I finally said, "I think we should take a break." & while I don't feel details of that are entirely necessary at this point, I said/did it, & I feel sad, but happy & relieved in a way--just to finally say something that's been on the tip of my tongue for a while.. to finally allow myself to say & do what I felt was needed.. it just feels so good to just not suck it up, take a deep sigh, & say, "ohhh, it's ok." I win, & lose. Double lose? I'm not sure, but so far this "break" seems to be the breath of fresh air I've been needing. I've had some time to cool off, relax, think, not think.. but I don't want to rush anything. It took me FOREVER to finally work up the balls to suggest a break & I don't want to just jump back in. I want us to have both learned something from this & hopefully, if it's meant to be, we'll both benefit from a better relationship... you know, with each other.

I really had no idea he thought/felt like that about the 'future' though.. maybe we do still click...

The dress from Penelope:

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I feel like a fishing pole.

cast away.. reel back in... cast away.. reel back in... cast away.. reel back in... cast away.. reel back in... cast away.. reel back in...

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Suddenly everything has changed.

I've reached a breaking point. I'm finally taking every sign, every hint, every big red arrow that's ever pointed to the obvious answer & going with it. I cannot change people, & I don't want to change people. I cannot patiently wait around, putting my life on hold, being treated like shit, settling for less, going against what I want & don't want to do.. for someone to become a person they will never be. I want to be with someone for the person they are right now, not who they have potential for becoming, who they were in the past, or who they will be in the future.

Even though it completely breaks my heart, I can only try & do so much before I realize that I'm wrong. I was wrong about the first impression, who I thought he was, what kind of situation I thought I was getting myself into, what his priorities were, in thinking that what he said & what he would do would be the same thing, about waiting around for things to get better, for always thinking "one more chance", for just giving up even though I wasn't the one who did wrong, for letting my feelings get hurt even more just because I was afraid of slightly hurting his, for believing everything he's ever said to me, for even imagining "forever" for even a split second, for putting him as one of my top priorities...
for not calling it earlier.

My heart hurts & it's exhausted. I don't want to do this, but it's not fair to me (& will ruin me) if I don't. I want(ed) this to work so bad, but I've reached a point where I would rather be alone than (semi) constantly disappointed, unsatisfied, miserable, sad, angry, hopeless..

I am admitting defeat.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Disneyland: Day 1

I'm really not even sure I'll write about each day, but I'll at least do this first one. (just a quick one before bed.) (That's what she said?) It was pretty cool. We actually didn't ride that many rides, but we somehow managed to worn out by 6. Splash Mountain kicked my ass & soaked me to the bone on the very first baby drop. Lines were long, but not too bad. I got an awesome hat with my name embroidered on it :) We had some delicious Papa John's pizza for dinner (bacon, ham, sausage, mushrooms, & black olives), & found a Filipino restaurant & now I'm having some pancit palabok for breakfast tomorrow morning! Wooo! Much better than the crappy sugar doughnut this morning that made me want to throw up as soon as I was done with it.

Anyway, just a few pictures, & then I'm off to bed.

My super-cute Minnie ears/hat!

My sister & I with our hats on! But my camera lens is all foggy thanks to stupid Splash Mountain. It looks like a picture from the 70's or something. lol

& Splash Mountain itself. I was soaked even before the big drop -_-

Monday, May 25, 2009

I've realized a new fear of mine.

So I just got done watching Benjamin Button (which was an incredible movie) & it seemed to have tapped into some fears of mine. One being, which isn't an uncommon one, death. It seemed like in a spilt second I became overwhelmed how real death is. It's going to happen to me one day. I imagine though that I'll be old. I can't even picture myself old. When you die, does a feeling of knowing it's your time consume you with a sensation starting in your toes & working it's way up? Who will miss me? Who will I leave behind? & oh my god, that's going to be me one day... It's just a fear of the unknown & a fear of losing what I haven't even gotten yet. When I'm at that point though, will I look back on my life with regret? Will there be things that I wish I had done? Would I think that I wasted my time one something? It's hard.. & there's a sadness that comes with thoughts like that.

The fear that realized today is kind of a strange one. I don't really know why, but for some reason ideas of getting married, kids, & all those things that are so far beyond me have been particularly sticking out in my mind. Maybe it's because I am so scared of all of those things that they stick out so. I don't know, but the fear of mine is the look on the man's face (whoever he may be) when I tell him that I'm pregnant. Will he be scared? Angry? Disappointed? Happy? Excited? Sad? Depressed? Ecstatic? Would he still want to be with me? Would he leave right then & there? Would he hug me? Would he kiss me? Would he cry? Would he say nothing at all? I guess it's that first initial moment right after I would say it is what I fear the most. I'm not sure if I would even watch. I'd have to though. I would be so incredibly terrified, but I'd have to know.. I think because a moment like that is such a toss up on what the outcome would be, I'm just too scared to even put myself in a situation like that. Not that I want to (ever) have kids, & especially right now.. or that I'm even with the right person.. I don't know. It just freaks me out to ask a question or to say something & completely, entirely, & honestly not know what the answer/reply is going to be.

Anyway, everyone's already knocked out (I'm the only one who actually made it through the entire movie) & I've got to wake up early tomorrow/in a few hours. I think we're heading down towards LA. I guess it's like 5-7 hours away from here. I hate riding in the car though. It makes me totally sick. bleh. Hopefully I can ride in the front this time; that should help a little.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Aw, balls.

I'm sick. :(

Not sick enough to call in sick.. yet. But it's getting there! I thought I was getting a little better because I wasn't coughing AS much this morning, but of course, when one thing goes away, something else shows up. Now I've got a runny/stuffy nose AND a cough! woooo! Oh, & I sneeze like crazy. "What kind of drink and/or food can I get started for--AHHHHHCHOOOOOOO!" Yeah, that's comforting for you, isn't it?

I think I'm just going to call it a night.. since I have work at 9am & I can't get a casual conversation out of Billy. asdfasfdasfdasdfsdfasdfasdfsdf bahhhh! Whatevs.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


There's something I'm terribly unsatisfied with.. but my problem is that I have no clue what it is. What I hate is that I'm thinking it's something I have to change about me.. something I should do differently, something I should think differently... Maybe it is though. Or maybe I'm starting to head down an unhappy hole like with my last relationship & I'm thinking the problem has to be anything but that. But that's just the thing, I have no clue which one it is. What I hate even more is that I might be slowly trying to tell myself "This is what normal is, please just get used to it & deal". Do I have to though? Should I have to? I should never have to do something in a relationship as if it were a chore. I shouldn't be like "ughhhhhh allllright then" with any of my thoughts. Maybe all relationships aren't supposed to all light & cheery & carefree as I'm wanting. Maybe real relationships are the ones where you fight & argue a lot & cry at least once a week. Saying that outloud sounds silly. Ugh, why do I always to do this myself & at night? & why do I always put my unhappy thoughts on here when I meant for this to be about happy things & pictures of good times? I swear I'm not unhappy 100% of the time; it just happens to be that I only write on here when I feel this way. Who else am I going to talk to about this stuff? My boyfriend? haaaaaaaaaaaaaa, yeah right. -_- I wish though. I wish I could talk about the way I feel & not have him take it as if I telling him I think he's "a shitty boyfriend". Conversations like that via text don't really get very far & so trying to progress our relationship doesn't get very far.

Did we not just nearly break up the other day though? I mean, I know we "made up" later that day, but I feel like all we did is just cover it up & say "all better!.. for now." We didn't really talk about it. But again, talking about it never really gets very far & it seems like we take turns with being at fault for that.

But I want more than he's giving me. & yes he does give me a lot... but I mean with little things that are going to stick in the back of my mind. & I wish he never told me that he doesn't have to try as hard now that he has me.. why wouldn't anyone want to try hard all the time for someone they wanted & loved? I'm just so confused about some things sometimes.

Still, something seems to always be on the tip of my tongue..

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

God, I'm so unhappy.

The night is not a good time for me. & I don't ever remember crying so much. It's like every single night I break down for a little while. What is it that I'm not getting in my day? What is it that I'm in absolute unconscious need for? It just sucks. & it sucks when the only person you talk to doesn't really talk to you, isn't really there to help, & really has no idea.

I just constantly feel alone & I can't handle it.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


Why do I snoop through profiles on the internet? I know I don't care about.. them, & I know I don't want.. them anymore. So what's the deal stomach? So what if he has a picture with some other girl? Uhhhm, hello, you have a boyfriend. What the fuck do you care? But I don't care.. it's just weird, I think I got like instant jealousy & a slight whisper from the back of my mind "you never took pictures like that with me". Which then led to "...why wasn't I good enough?" but I don't want to go down that road of beating myself up for things that weren't/aren't my fault & that are faaar in the past.

It's just kind of weird to think about how fast things can change... & how a feeling so strongly felt for one person no longer exists & someone new is in that place. It's like the same amount of energy, same feeling, same actions, but with someone else. I guess just the thought of how interchangable love is sort of makes my stomach sick. I don't know.

But I don't want the past. That ended for a reason & it was unreal & unfair & one-sided & contstantly disappointing. It's just so easy for "not good enough" thoughts to creep up on me, especially when I'm already pretty lonely. I know it's not true & I guess now that I'm aware that I do that, I can point out when it happens & stop it.

Sounds like it's about time to schedule another apointment with the therapist. I need to learn how to keep myself together when I'm alone. Bah, it always makes me cry when "I'm totally alone, I have no one here for me, & there's no one to talk to" fill my head. Ahhhhh, stoppppp it!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Good choice.

I went to see a psychologist today & I'm actually really glad that I didn't cancel my appointment like I was thinking about doing yesterday. I had to do all this paperwork, answering questions about myself, why I was there, what goals I hoped to accomplish from therapy, etc. It was really weird hearing the lady read out loud my reasons for going there though. It sounded a lot more sad & real hearing it said by someone else & I was already crying not even 5 minutes into my appointment. I think I'm doing the right thing though & it's definitely time to start changing the way I think about things & handle myself, & clearly the way I was going about it before wasn't really working. So this'll be good. & I really like her, she's nice & understanding (well, yeah, I know that's her job, but still) & I really think she's going to help me a lot.

Anyway, I just wanted to jot that down real quick. I've got an hour to tidy up my room before work & then Billy's coming over. So things need to look nice! .. or just less like a bomb went off in here.

Friday, March 13, 2009

I'm honestly thinking about going to see a therapist... but I don't want to ask my parents about it because money's so tight & they're still stressing out about how to pay for my school.

I don't know what to do, but I can't keep up with feeling like this all the time.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I am a fat housecat.

You know how indoor cats are... they're all energetic & lively & playful & curious & sharp & have personalities & just do whatever they feel without a second thought--and then they become "tame" by having their every want squished out of them. You could roll a ball in front of me & I probably won't look up.

I'm withering away & I'm just sitting here watching it happen.

What's happening to me? :(

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Answer these questions & bring it into work to go over with the manager.

What held you back?
What do you think you did wrong?
What do you think you need help with?

Great. So not only am I under surprise attack, I have to write an essay stating why I think I suck. Except, everyone that I work with (minus the manager) doesn't think I suck.. oh, & neither do I. & actually, I think the problem is with my manger, & the approach to this "situation", & not me. But how do I say all of that professionally, while still getting my message across, & ensuring that I could still use them as a reference because it's the place I've worked at the longest? I dont' know.
I really don't know.

Well, here it is:

“What held you back?”
With only a couple days a week & always being put on register, really the only thing holding me back is opportunity. Last Saturday (February 7) when we had people from other stores help cover ours, the shift supervisor said that he was really surprised that after 6 months I still hadn’t gotten much bar time & that he didn’t get it. I don’t either. I know I’m not the best at barring, knowing exactly what goes into every one of our drinks, or being the fastest, most efficient bar person… but from what everyone’s been telling me, the only way to get better at something is to just do more of it. I can’t work more on the bar when I’m automatically & constantly tied to a register. You mentioned that I don’t have any confidence, but how can I have confidence in something that I do if the people around me don’t think that I can handle it & never give me a chance to grow? Last week honestly felt like one of my best & it’s because I was actually given a chance to prove myself.

“What do you think you did wrong?”
I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong, & to be honest, this entire situation comes to me as a surprise. In December I asked you if I was doing something wrong because I noticed that I didn’t have that many hours. At the time, you told me that I was fine & that it was just my limited availability. The next month, after I gave a completely open availability, I asked you if I should look for a second job because I noticed that I was getting even less hours. You then, at the time, said that it might be a good idea if I do because you were trying to cut labor. But now, it’s entirely different, & there are supposedly all these problems with me. I just feel that if there were things that I needed to work on, especially things that now directly affect my employment, they would have been mentioned before, back in December, when I asked if I was doing something wrong.
I’ve talked with supervisors & coworkers & not a single person has shared the frustration mentioned at our meeting early last week. So it’s a little confusing when trying to understand polar opposite opinions.

“What do you think you need help with?”
I just need help with opportunity; you’re in control of how much I grow.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Today's to-do list:

The goal is to finish these before I go out.
..if I go out.

-cat box
-1 hour of yoga
-do some crunches
-tidy room up a little bit
-send resume to at least one place
-pick up (& deposit?) paycheck

I tend to make to-do lists & then totally disregard them altogether. Hopefully I stick to this one this time. It's not even all that much. CMON LETS GO!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

There is absolutely no one I can talk to.

I can't talk to my mom; she doesn't get people & will just end up bitching at me.
I can't talk to my dad, because I don't want to disappoint him with my bad news.
I can't talk to my "friends", because they blow ass at "being there" for me.
I can't talk to the boy, really, because I don't want to overwhelm him & come off as a total nutcase.
I can't really talk to my sister or my cousin, because, well, although I'm sure they'll listen, I'm not going to get any feedback I can use.

What do I do?
hm. =/

January was for thinking

about all the things I want to do.

February is for doing.

I really need to pick up the pace, kick myself into gear, reel my brain back into my body.. & down to Earth, find my voice, push myself, take risks, achieve goals, live in the moment, prove doubts wrong, keep my cool, find some confidence...

C'mon, Veronica. You can do this & absolutely anything you want. You just have to get up & get it yourself, instead of patiently waiting around for it to come to you. Want, demand, & get. The only thing stopping you is you.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

That felt good.

So I said something. I had a problem & I actually said something & took care of it myself, without talking to someone else prior to the "confrontation". Although I'm exhuasted as hell now (because of it, & dealing with everything in the first place) but I'm am so relieved that I spoke up. Not a whole lot could be said because I'm not sure either of us were entirely ready for that & because it was over text messages. But, enough was said & we've made plans for an actual dinner out to talk everything over. Now, how exactly that's going to turn out, I have no fucking clue. I mean, I'm really glad for it, & I think it's going to clear a lot of things up... but if things get too weird/awkward or if someone changes their mind (& this is mostly for me), a sit-down dinner, in person, face to face is going to be a lot harder to bail on than simply making up a quick excuse & hanging up the phone. Plus, that makes for screaming, freaking out, hiding, & talking without the use of a backspace key a little harder. It kind of needs to be done though, for my sake at least, because I'm not a fan of consciously blindfolding myself & running head-on into a brick wall. Although I keep telling myself "I don't care, & I'm cool with whatever happens, happens" I kind of need to at least know if I'm wasting my time or not. Because that is more important to me than trying to come off as laid back.

aaand I'm brain dead.

Like always, a rant.

Wow, really Veronica? Could you try any harder?
Actually, no, this one isn't your fault this time. He basically asked you to try a little harder (by saying, I quote, "u don't seem to be very good at holding up a convo"), but ironically enough, that call to action lead to him being less responsive. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. I feel like.. well what the fuck was that for? I think I'm actually pissed off. Yeah, I am. I'm pissed because I actually put forth a lot of effort, & it meant nothing & I got nothing in return. Why am I here again? If you took out the physical aspect, where is the fun in this situation? Maybe it's just the "being pissed off" talking, but seriously, what the fuck am I doing, & why the fuck am I doing it?

Was that the cut off point?
FUCK! I need real people to talk to. -_-

Friday, January 30, 2009

Meanwhile, in the world I live in inside of my head...

Today was a shit day. I felt like I got no sleep (from ending last night on a bad note), the mood from last night seeped into my morning & never really left my system (until later in the day for a brief moment, only to return), I was blown off by two people I had plans with but only found out that I was after I waited around all day & contacted them first (I seriously hate that so much), then I beat myself up & sat around staring blankly at things realizing that I had no back-up plan, got a phone call that cheered me up slightly, my mood then picked up, & then it was torn down by the same person who initially set me off in a good mood in the first place (a little ironic), & now I'm here.

Just to get into a little detail/vent about the person with the ability to change my moods... seriously, what's my deal? When do things switch from me being giddy all the time to freaking out & always wanting to smack myself in the forehead? & why do I always feel like I'm not good enough? & why/how do I manage to make every situation awkward? & why am I horrible at holding a conversation? GET IN THE MOMENT VERONICA! YOU'RE GOING TO SCREW THIS UP IF YOU DON'T GET YOURSELF TOGETHER! Why am I not together? This I've actually thought about, & my only conclusion is that I don't have a real person to empty the contents of my head to. Sure, Billy tells me to try & tell him what's really going on in my head, & nearly every time I do, I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. I can't just give him unfiltered thoughts. That's not me at all. I don't want to come off as a cooky, scattered, uncollected, mindless, speechless, empty idiot who can't form a complete sentence. So now what? I need to stop worrying so much.. about myself, how I come off, how I must look, how I think he thinks of me (although I know eliminating all of that entirely is impossible, lessening it would be a healthy goal to aim for) because I'm really letting it all start to get to me. & I don't know how all possible it is to change, but I need to (try to) stop feeding on other people's energy & try to create my own. & I mean that like.. I'm sort of way too conscious & careful about my mood & energy levels & I try to keep it level with whoever I'm with or talking to. Maybe it makes sense to keep that characteristic.. but maybe switching gears a little bit & trying to be more of a leader than a follower will be good too.

It's really weird, being in a transition... wanting to change but not entirely sure which things to keep & which things to toss. I think that might also add to my awkwardness. Because I'm trying to do things differently, I don't know how to handle myself exactly, & I'm not totally comfortable with & sure of myself yet. I also don't know exactly which things about me weren't working out & need tossing. So I guess it's all trial & error, which isn't exactly my strong point--being okay with being totally wrong. It's alright though, I need this, & it's only practice for the HUGE change that'll be coming on later in the year. I can't be falling apart now or I won't stand a chance in LA on my own. & to quote a nice little message I got today "fight back". I can't just let things (& little things at that) consume me. I'm better than that, & I know it. Come on, BE somebody, DO something! (& then I switch to talking to myself) You are worth it, so stop thinking you aren't. You're as good as you think you are. & stop beating yourself up. You wouldn't allow for anyone to do that to themself because of you, so don't allow to do it to yourself because of other people.

I feel like I need to do this, because if I don't, no one else will do it for me:

You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. & my fingers hurt from typing that. ow.

Take charge, stop making problems where there aren't any, be optimistic, be the kind of person you would want to be around, & smile & dance around more. I think that right there is the self-answer to my problems.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Fuck fuck fuckkk

My night went from bad to worse to waaay fucking more worse. Tonight sucks so much.

I have no one to talk to. :(


pooooooooop -_-

I don't know why, but that's all I can manage to say when I don't really have the energy to do anything else about it. I hate when bad thoughts creep up & surprise-ruin your good day. The way you feel right before you go to bed is almost more important than how the rest of the day went.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Some resolutions to work on right now...

Alright, for some reason I've been kind of dead, a sort of "there.. but not really there" kind of thing. I don't like it, I'm sure the people around me don't like it, & so something(s) must be done. Having all the time in the world is perfect for working on things like this, so thanks Starbucks for giving me like no hours! (I'm not sure if I mean that, I'm just trying to make the best out of that situation.) Okay, so the problem is I'm not very present. My eyes are tired, my brain isn't functioning at top speeds, I'm lacking opinion, there's a lag, & I'm being overly laid back, boring even. WHERE ARE YOU VERONICA?!

Here is how we're going to fix this:
-Get some sleep at night
-Talk more, blog more, call people more, tell people about your day
-Start conversations
-Stretch & exercise a little bit every day
-Take pictures
-Get outside
-Stick to to-do lists
-Be organized
-Be honest
-Say things when & while you think them
-Stop trying to be in control of everything
-Don't think so much into things
-Stop living in your head
-Don't avoid feelings
-Be creative
-Throw yourself out there without knowing exactly what's going to happen
-Take risks
-Stop doubting yourself
-Stop being so awkward & making things awkward
-Have energy & life & love & confidence & personality
-Like & love yourself.

That actually turned out to be a bit more than I had originally thought, but that's alright. & quite a few of those were slight repeats anyway.

mini workout then bed.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Fortune cookie

"Your short term goal will soon be realized."

That's so weird! I was just thinking to myself that I need to figure some pre-FIDM things out. Thanks Kim's Teriyaki for an awesome & most needed fortune! :)

Now I have to pick out dresses for Shea to decide for me to wear to this ridiculous(ly awesome) "Monster Prom" thing tomorrow. haha.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Holy crap.

I'm bruised, & sore, & I don't own a turtleneck.

Hooooooly crap.
haha :)

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


This is the picture I would have sent him... if I weren't totally embarrassed & retarded & girly.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Take that, 2008!

I don't have a whole lot of time to babble, but I just wanted to say:


EAT THAT, assholes who thought they had a big hold over me, people who couldn't see me doing it, & past thoughts of being sad & wanting to give up!


I'm going to start being the best version of myself.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

It's a new year!

Oh! Writing my new years resolutions down here would be a really good idea.
But I'm not going to.
Not right now, at least.

I am going to try to write here more, though. Just to reflect about my day, get little thoughts out, sort my mind out in a way my eyes can follow.

For today though, I just want to say that I got a bra fitting for the first time at Victoria Secret (only because all the bras I picked up to try on didn't seem to fit right & I kind of was like "uhhhh WTF?!") & it turns out I'm actually a 36D. Not 36C. Uhhm. When did my boobs get bigger? & why does it really not seem like they're that big?

Whatever.. BOOBS@!