Sunday, October 25, 2009


I fucking hate myself & the stupid fucking choices I make myself do. How I throw every off every fucking important thing in my life for the slight possibility of happiness even though history has proved that that wont happen. Why the fuck can't I just accept it? Why the fuck do I keep looking for & wanting something that isn't there, that will never be there, that was never there before but just some fucking mirage & fucking false advertising, some fucking trick to convince me it was the real deal. This is bullshit.

& again, why the fuck do I insist on having a boyfriend that can double as a best friend? Why the FUCK do I think that's possible for me? It's not. I need to stop pausing my life for this stupid fuck "love" shit.

I need to cut out everything negative in my life or I'm going to drown & kill myself & regret absolutely everything I'm trying to do down here for the rest of my life. This is what's real. I'm real, what I'm doing is real. Negativity, anger, frustration, crying, sadness, wanting to break something, screaming.. it's killing me, it's making me depressed, it's affecting everything I do, it kills my creativity, it kills my want to be creative, I don't set goals, I don't bother, I don't do anything extra, I don't care I'M FUCKING PISSED RIGHT NOW & I'M MAD THAT I'M ANGRY WHICH IS MAKING ME MORE MAD & there's not a goddamned thing I can do about it. Not a single person I can talk to. No one to calm me down, give me real honest good advice, no one that makes me feel like they're really there & that they really care & have my best interest at heart. I'm fucking stuck. How do I get myself out of this mess? without cutting off all my limbs? is that even possible?

I am alone, I just need to accept that & stop looking for someone else to fix my problems for me. I need to create my own happiness, depend on me to cheer myself up. This is it, this is what's real, this is what's still going to be here tomorrow.

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