Saturday, September 4, 2010

I don't belong anywhere.

I'm in a really low place right now. It's 3:45am & I have no one else to talk to...

What's the point of me going back home for break? I mean, there's really nothing there for me. In reality I have nothing to look forward to. Nothing real. I'm so incredibly heartbroken tonight. My pure anger melted into complete saddness & now I just feel empty. & that all this time has been wasted. I hate how I feel like I have to question everything he does & says. I don't feel loved at all, & when he tells me that he does & feels like they're just total bullshit words that he tries to use to "save" the conversation. If you're with me now & I'm supposedly the one you want to be with now & for a long while, then why the fuck should it matter at all to you if your friends joke around about you not getting with a girl 6 months ago while we weren't together? I feel like the joke here. I feel used, & lied to, & just.. everything feels wasted. Why am I wanting to hurry up & finish school so I can rush back to you? I don't get it. I was being SO nice to you & then you turn around & just hit me in the face with your sharp rudeness. & then create this HUGE situation. & THEN turn it around on me, saying that this was all somehow my fault.

I don't belong back home. I don't belong here in LA. I'm so uncomfortable here. It's been a whole year & I haven't made any friends. My internship fell apart. I can't trust anybody. Everybody I meet is either a total bitch or a guy with a hidden agenda. I finish school in 3 months & I don't know what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go. I just want to be somewhere that's warm & loving & embracing... but maybe it doesn't exist for me.