Wednesday, April 28, 2010

{Realizing.. again}

I'm realizing that love & adoration/being IN love are not mutually exclusive.. to have one does not necessarily guarantee the other.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

You have no idea how alone I feel.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

{History repeats & repeats & repeats & repeats &....}


I was just reading my old livejournal & I haven't changed one bit. I am literally still having the same problems now as I did then. I still think the same way, I still approach situations the same way, I still talk to myself in the same way, I still tell myself that I need to get out there & make friends, I still tell myself that "it's time for change", I still handle relationships in the exact same way... WHAT THE FUCK?!

I can't believe this! I seriously can't believe I'm still having the same problems. So much has happened to me since then, & I'm still the exact same person? Why am I still this way?

I need to talk to somebody.. like a legit therapist/counselor/psychiatrist.. I don't want to be like this unhappy, self destructing, monster for the rest of my life. I'm getting to the point where I'm telling myself "maybe I just don't deserve to be happy... maybe not everyone gets to be that way. I'm just one of those people that don't." & I don't want that for myself. No matter how much I try to tell myself I can settle for that... I really don't want it to be that way.

I just hope the school has something or at least tricare covers visits like that.

My head is fucking screwed up.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I just had the most amazing dream.

I had a dream where I accidentally walked in on someone's rehearsal wedding reception/dinner & I was so off-put because the restaurant was so bland & terribly lit. I grabbed someone & told them that I could make the place look soooo much better just by moving some things around & changing up the lighting. Then I drew them some sketches & basically got hired. The last thing I remember saying was "I'm just glad I finally get to put this $50,000 education to use."

This blog post isn't as exciting as I meant for it to be, my brain's kind of off suddenly, but I really am excited that I had this dream. It's kind of pushed me, like I kind of saw into the future & there's hope.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

What's it like?

C G Am ; E Am E Am ; C Cmaj7 G Gmaj9

What's it like to be in love?
I still find myself asking that.
Does he give you butterlies?
When he touches your skin,
does it make you close your eyes?

Can you feel his heart beat
when he lays so close to you?
Does your mind still go crazy
even though it's not so new to you?

Is there something wrong with me?
Should I know all of these things already?
Does his hand always find yours?
How do a few minutes turn into hours?

Could you spend forever
just playing with his palm?
Is it better when you're silent
& you say nothing at all?

What's it like to have a broken heart?
Does it feel just like a paper cut?
Or is it like when you scrape your knee?
Does it bleed so endlessly?

What's it like?
What's it like?

What's it like to be in love?
I still find myself asking that.

But it's not comedy


D Bm/ G A D ; D Bm ; G Bm A A7

Once upon a time,
there was a boy.
He lived by himself
in the house on the hill.
Then one day the Avon lady came
& with her he'd stay...

I have scissors for hands,
scissors for hands.
I can't hold you.
I can't hold you.

I popped your waterbed
& hurt your brother's head.
But you aren't very mad at me.

I want to touch your hair,
but it's not fair.
You're too scared to be with me.

Cause I have...
Scissors for hands,
scissors for hands.
I can't hold you.
I can't hold you.

I wore your father's blouse,
broke in your boyfriend's house,
but I did it cause you asked me to.

Carved ice in your backyard,
I made your hand bleed hard.
but I never meant to hurt you.

Cause I have...
Scissors for hands,
scissors for hands.
I can't hold you.
I can't hold you.

My dad was
an inventor,
& he made real hands for me. But,
one day he
never woke up.
He was never asleep...

I have...
Scissors for hands,
scissors for hands.
I can't hold you.
I can't hold you.

I can make it snow.
& your kiss lets me know,
let's me know that you do love me.

I have scissors for hands,
scissors for hands,
scissors for hands
so I can't hold
you.

Big Fucking Deal

(at least that's what I think it's called. There's no title on the actual piece of paper)

C Em Fm ; Fm G

Hang yourself before you tell her.
Your secret dies too.
What would you rather do,
break her heart in two?
Whatcha' gunna do now?
Whatcha' gunna do?

Tossed into your bed; you think you're
losing all your strength.
You'd give anything if you could
just talk to him again.
You're losing it.
You're losing it; you're so dumb.

She's your best friend,
she 's your friend.
What do you think you're doing still talking to him?
There you are,
oh, there you are.
Are you going to keep doing this from now on?
Are you gunna?
Or are you gunna tell her what is going on?
No.

There's a million other people
that you could've fallen in love with.
All those things that people say,
"You'll still be friends" is a myth.
You've done it now.
You've done it now; you're so dumb.

She's your best friend,
she 's your friend.
What do you think you're doing still talking to him?
There you are,
oh, there you are.
Are you going to keep doing this from now on?
Are you gunna?
Or are you gunna tell her what is going on?
No.

Let go of this before it gets
too late.
Let go of him before it gets
too late.
Save yourself by saving
her first.

She's your best friend,
she 's your friend.
What do you think you're doing still talking to him?
There you are,
oh, there you are.
Are you going to keep doing this from now on?
Are you gunna?
Or are you gunna tell her what is going on?
No.

awkward honesty

G Bm Am C

Am I knotting up your insides
when I tell you not to waste your time?
Knotting up your insides
though I'm far away from you?
I'm only trying to save you from breaking your own heart.
You're a nice guy,
don't waste your time on me.

Sometimes I think I am better off alone,
all by myself.
No one to argue with,
no one to tell me lie after lie,
& confuse me with their hypnotic eyes.

& here you are, you come around
& you tell me not to hide
from everything,
but you're so naive, you can't stop me.

Am I knotting up your insides
when I tell you not to waste your time?
Knotting up your insides
though I'm far away from you?
I'm only trying to save you from breaking your own heart.
You're a nice guy,
don't waste your time on me.

Words are pieced together
like the moasic tiles on the shelf
that you keep above your bed.
You say you're having trouble with sleeping at night
& you blame me.
You say I mess with your head.

But every time I see you try,
try to make this thing work..
it starts to get too awkward for me.
It's you're honesty.

Don't waste your time.
Don't waste your time.
Don't waste your time.

Am I knotting up your insides
when I tell you not to waste your time?
Knotting up your insides
though I'm far away from you?
I'm only trying to save you from breaking your own heart.
You're a nice guy,
don't waste your time on me.

Don't waste your time.
Don't waste your time.
Don't waste your time on me.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

I've been catching my mind wandering off to really weird places...

Places that I'm actually kind of embarrassed to admit that my mind's actually even ever been there. I don't know, maybe it's that biological clock (?) I've always heard about. I'm starting to go from "I'm never getting married, ever." to "well.. hypothetically speaking, if I ever were to get married, which I probably wont because I'm going to end up alone & with 83 cats, but if I were to.." I've just been finding myself thinking about things like what kind of dress would I want at my wedding, what kind of flowers, what kind of house I would want to live in, where I would want to live, what my life would be like...

Of course it could also just be the living alone for the past 6+ months getting to me.

Being back at home has been nice though. Things could always be better & I don't really feel like pointing out the things that have really been bothering me (amazingly enough), but I have less than a week left. I haven't taken any pictures with anyone yet. I haven't gone clubbing/dancing. I haven't even gone to a party. I haven't seen all of my friends at one place at one time. I haven't been up to the Space Needle, or around it. I haven't taken pictures in general. I haven't gone to the movies. I haven't worn my new high heels. This is actually making me quite sad. I should recap on what I have actually done...

I've gone to Pike's Place, Uwajimaya, the Ave (somewhat), Westlake (a little bit); I've gotten my hair cut; I've gone shopping at plato's closet, & I've spent a LOT of time at the rec center on base playing video games (& a little bit of pool).

*sigh* I just feel so weird right now for some reason though..

I don't know, but I guess I should get some sleep. I'm going along to the airport tomorrow morning to see my mom off to the Philippines.