....

A friend of mine passed away today.

It's so weird to say out loud. I can't believe Terence is gone. I feel terrible that I've held a grudge towards him for so long & that that was pretty much my last thought towards him. I'm really, really sorry for that.

I've never experienced this before. I've never lost anyone close to me before.

I'm never going to forget hearing my Auntie cry out for him, telling him to come home, or watching her touch his dinner in the oven. This is just beyond heartbreaking. A completely new level of sadness. A tragedy.

How is this happening?

I can't get myself to understand it.

4. Bullet your whole day

Well wasn't really all that interesting, but I'll bullet it anyway:

-Woke up

-Checked my email

-Saw an email from JetBlue saying they have flights for $44 & $103 for 3 nights in Vegas, then started dreaming about that

-Realized that wasn't going to happen

-Took a shower, got ready for work

-Showed my mom me & Kim's awesome rap cover we recorded the other night

-rushed to work like a speeding maniac

-had a terrible sales day, but didn't really care

-counted the tills + safe wrong at closing & convinced everyone that we were missing $190

-didn't realized until after I got home that I was wrong & that we're actually OVER by $10, whoops

-went on craigslist to look for interior design jobs in Seattle

-made a goal that within the next 2 weeks I'm going to print out 15 resumes & go to Seattle with specific high-end showrooms in mind to hand them out to

-decided to write in my blog

-made this list

Day 3: A book you love

I don't read as often as a should, & I've been telling myself FOREVER that I need to start doing it more, & it just doesn't really happen. So, as an easy, lame, & girly default: Twilight. Yeeeeeah, yeah, yeah. I know. But if it counts for anything, I read this book long before the movie came out. So, yeah, if that counts for anything. Probably not. Whatever, leave me alone.

Day 2: Something you feel strongly about

First of all, WOW do I suck at keeping up with this challenge. Welp, no one said it had to be 30 consecutive days, did they? I didn't see that anywhere. So, as far as anyone's concerned, this is my "day 2". Hahaha :)

Okay, something I feel strongly about... about like anything? I guess I can take that however I want. Well, I feel really strongly about doing what makes you happy. I know, that's like duhhhh. But I mean, there's something really beautiful in giving your heart what it desires & making the few chances we get, count. I know I don't always follow it myself, but I love motivating & inspiring other people to go out & chase their dream. I feel strongly about telling people to get what they want because they're worth it. I feel strongly about inspiring & being inspired.

Those are a lot of things. I'm ranting. I'm tired.

I feel strongly about going to sleep right now because I have work in the morning.

30 day challenge! Day 1: Five ways to win your heart

1. Have a passion for something in your life

2. Be able to engage & hold a conversation with me

3. Be there to listen to anything that's troubling me

4. Intense eye contact

5. Smile

Rebuilding my foundation

It's been a rough week for me. Not with work or anything, work's been great & has been doing an awesome job at keeping me busy/distracted/tired. I've just been having a pretty hard relapse this week. It's happened a few times over the past month, but this week has been particularly hard. I think it's because I'm running out of immediate distractions to hide behind, especially at night. Night time is always the worst, when you're alone & left with your thoughts...

Anyway, I don't feel like completely pouring myself out right now. I talked to Billy earlier & said the things I needed to say. For some reason I just had to tell him how I've been feeling & how I'm still really hurt about how he treated me. Being able to say it to him & know that he heard really helped. Finally off of my chest. Like seriously, a weight is lifted off & not pressing on my heart & my lungs making it hard to breathe. I think it's going to take me a really long time to heal from that relationship, honestly.

But I've had a shift in priorities in my life. Last night while I was listening to Priscilla Ahn's music, something just kind of clicked. I wanted to do things for me. It didn't matter that I was alone & didn't have a guy in my life. It's really hard to not feel like my life is valued at the relationships I have, but I'm going to try. I think I need to stop hiding behind quick + temporary fixes & fix myself at the foundation. Things may be severely broken after Billy, but I think I'll eventually be able to put myself back together, & make/rebuild myself into the person I've been wanting to be. Love will come & find me when the time is right.. when I'm right again.

Anyway, that's it for now, but there will be more soon. Promise.

Hit a snag.

Just one of those nights where I'm not as together as I usually am.

It happens I suppose.

A new beginning

I feel like I've used this title before, & maybe even a picture similar to this, but the difference this time is that I'm not in a dark place trying to convince myself that I'm going to make things better & pull myself out of a rut.. things actually are better right now.

Billy & I have officially & for-surely broken up. It was & is sad, but it was coming. I knew it & I think he did too..

What's weird is that the very next day I was taking the ferry to Seattle to go to bars with Kim for St. Patrick's Day & I ran into Aaron in the terminal, who I used to have a huuuuuuuuge crush on in high school. Kim was running late & so were Aaron's friends so we decided to grab a beer & catch up for a little. (Apparently he just got out of a 2 year relationship too, like the week beforehand) We ended up hanging out for the rest of the night, going to a bunch of different bars together. We've been hanging out & talking since.. & I'm really liking him. I don't want to ruin anything by jumping in too quickly or getting a huge overload of hanging out (like I've done in the past & then ended up wanting to strangle whoever I was talking to). But it just feels like this could be a really good thing. He's a genuinely nice guy & like reeeeeally cute. Like, easily one of the best looking guys I've ever been with. haha :)

Anyway, what else is awesome is that I got the job at Pier1 & I'm going in at noon (crap & it's 3:30am now) to sign the papers & officially become an employee. I SERIOUSLY need the money too. It's going to be nice to have some structure to my day. I mean, I do love waking up at 2pm & playing Zelda all day & then going back to sleep at 6am, but I think I'm going to like having an income & being able to get out of the house a lot more.

Alright, just wanted to make a quick post that showed my life wasn't always black clouds & crying all the time :) Goodnight!

Day 2.

I guess it's not really Day 2 of being alone, more like Day 9827634189237463285432wdfa87298u23984... But in relation to my last post, it's Day 2.

So, day 2 & it still blows. I guess it blows because part of me is still hoping it'll magically fix & get better. But it doesn't.

Part of me really wants to write out how exhausted & sad & heartbroken I am, but then the other part has toughened up & gotten really impatient & realized that this isn't a new feeling. I mean, how many times can you be heartbroken before there's nothing left to break anymore? But maybe that's not exactly true, because it still hurts just as much each time.

I don't understand why things are so impossibly hard with Billy. I just wish he were capable of listening & hearing me out & being comforting/supporting/sympathetic to how I feel instead of getting angry & shoving it back in my face & telling me I'm wrong. How can someone even be "wrong" for being sad or upset? How is that possible? & I don't understand how he can do something, get mad about my reaction, & then do something again because my reaction was"wrong". I get a triple hit. I wish he would just listen to me... I wish it bothered him that he makes me cry. I wish he listened & actually cared about what I was saying...

What's so impossibly frustrating is that he keeps saying I'm "perfect" for him & he doesn't want us to break up, he wants to be with me.. but then goes out every single night & says when I'm not in front of him it's easier for him to imagine him being able to move on. What's frustrating is that I don't go out. When I'm with someone, I like to spend time with them & just chill & enjoy their company, & if I go out, it's with them. What's frustrating is that all he got out of that was me "telling" him not to go out with his friends anymore. That's not even close to what I was trying to say. He doesn't listen or understand or try to see things from my point of view. & there's nothing more frustrating than someone who won't listen to you. He's got everything ALL wrong, & he wont-- God, I don't even know how I turned out to be the bad guy here.

I hate that when I cry I literally feel like I could die. I hate how incredibly painful it is, I can't breathe, & I want to do anything to make it stop. It feels like my skin is ripping off & my heart will explode. & I can't do anything to make it stop. I hate that. I hate this.

The art of letting go...

I know that's a cheesy picture, I know that. But it really calls out to me for some reason. It kind of made me realize how to put into words how I've been feeling lately...

I've been really upset with people who are "close" to me. I feel like I've been slipping down people's priorities lists. Now, I'm not saying that I should be #1 or anything, but just, I mean, they're my close friends. They're important to me. I don't know. It's just weird though because while I was in LA I longed to see them again. I thought I would be happy again once they were physically back in my life... but I'm not. It's nothing like how I thought it was going to be.

Now to relate it to this picture, because I do love analogies so much: These "close" friends of mine were these perfect & beautiful little things that I kept locked up, safe, & always close to me. But so close that the idea of them overshadowed their reality, & once I finally took an actual look at them, they were different. Completely unrecognizable. Usually I would just be like "Fuck all you guys. I don't need anybody. Friends are for the weak. I'm gunna crawl in this hole & be all independent." Which has never worked. Never. So, what I'm getting out of this picture is that I need to let these once dear & beautiful things go, & instead of filling myself up with darkness & even more loneliness, I just need fill it back up with new beautiful things. Start getting to know new people, opening up & getting closer to new people; change. Everyone says change is good. Change is good when your same old shit is starting to drive you crazy, & you want to pull out your hair, & punch everyone in the head. Change is really good then. But change is sad, having to let go of the daydream that things were going to be perfect & so great. It's hard. Having to let go of an idea that kept you moving forward everyday & kept you warm at night. It's really fucking hard. But while half of me mourns the death of what could have been, the other half is trying really hard to stay positive.

I've got a lot of new things coming up (hopefully): a new weekday job, a new weekend internship, some side projects... I mean, those'll keep me busy. Like, really busy. & really busy is really good for people who slip into really sad really easily. Like me. I know it's going to be all sad to be alone with no one to really talk to, and no one to "be" with romantically, but the best things happen when you least expect it, & it's usually when you're focused on bettering yourself. People are drawn to that. People are drawn to other people with a light in them, a happiness, an optimistic vibe, an idea that you're stable & somewhat have your shit together. We're all drawn to that because we all want that for ourselves. (I'm really just trying to be my own therapist right now, so I'm bouncing around first & third & twelfth person. Whoops.) I need to become the kind of person I would want to be around. How can I expect anyone to want to be around me if I give off this energy that I don't even like myself? I need to better myself, & love myself. I need to stop hating myself, hating on the things that I do, the way that I feel... I need to stop feeling helpless, like I have no control over my own life. I need to stop waiting on other people who are never going to show up, and stop putting my life on hold for someone else. I need to make myself my number one priority. I need to somehow stop feeding off the good feeling/importance of the relationships in my life. I am not the relationships that I am in/not in. If a relationship fails, that does not mean that I fail.

Start doing the things that make YOU happy & feel good. You deserve to be happy. Good things will come to you when you start loving yourself.

(Like I said, I kind of bounce around talking out from my point of view & talking at myself, telling myself what I should do. Sorry, can't control it. That's just how my brain works.)

It's late (erm, like 5:37am kind of late) so I'm going to head up to bed.

Goodnight!