Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Day 2.

I guess it's not really Day 2 of being alone, more like Day 9827634189237463285432wdfa87298u23984... But in relation to my last post, it's Day 2.

So, day 2 & it still blows. I guess it blows because part of me is still hoping it'll magically fix & get better. But it doesn't.

Part of me really wants to write out how exhausted & sad & heartbroken I am, but then the other part has toughened up & gotten really impatient & realized that this isn't a new feeling. I mean, how many times can you be heartbroken before there's nothing left to break anymore? But maybe that's not exactly true, because it still hurts just as much each time.

I don't understand why things are so impossibly hard with Billy. I just wish he were capable of listening & hearing me out & being comforting/supporting/sympathetic to how I feel instead of getting angry & shoving it back in my face & telling me I'm wrong. How can someone even be "wrong" for being sad or upset? How is that possible? & I don't understand how he can do something, get mad about my reaction, & then do something again because my reaction was"wrong". I get a triple hit. I wish he would just listen to me... I wish it bothered him that he makes me cry. I wish he listened & actually cared about what I was saying...

What's so impossibly frustrating is that he keeps saying I'm "perfect" for him & he doesn't want us to break up, he wants to be with me.. but then goes out every single night & says when I'm not in front of him it's easier for him to imagine him being able to move on. What's frustrating is that I don't go out. When I'm with someone, I like to spend time with them & just chill & enjoy their company, & if I go out, it's with them. What's frustrating is that all he got out of that was me "telling" him not to go out with his friends anymore. That's not even close to what I was trying to say. He doesn't listen or understand or try to see things from my point of view. & there's nothing more frustrating than someone who won't listen to you. He's got everything ALL wrong, & he wont-- God, I don't even know how I turned out to be the bad guy here.

I hate that when I cry I literally feel like I could die. I hate how incredibly painful it is, I can't breathe, & I want to do anything to make it stop. It feels like my skin is ripping off & my heart will explode. & I can't do anything to make it stop. I hate that. I hate this.

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