Sunday, March 13, 2011

The art of letting go...

I know that's a cheesy picture, I know that. But it really calls out to me for some reason. It kind of made me realize how to put into words how I've been feeling lately...

I've been really upset with people who are "close" to me. I feel like I've been slipping down people's priorities lists. Now, I'm not saying that I should be #1 or anything, but just, I mean, they're my close friends. They're important to me. I don't know. It's just weird though because while I was in LA I longed to see them again. I thought I would be happy again once they were physically back in my life... but I'm not. It's nothing like how I thought it was going to be.

Now to relate it to this picture, because I do love analogies so much: These "close" friends of mine were these perfect & beautiful little things that I kept locked up, safe, & always close to me. But so close that the idea of them overshadowed their reality, & once I finally took an actual look at them, they were different. Completely unrecognizable. Usually I would just be like "Fuck all you guys. I don't need anybody. Friends are for the weak. I'm gunna crawl in this hole & be all independent." Which has never worked. Never. So, what I'm getting out of this picture is that I need to let these once dear & beautiful things go, & instead of filling myself up with darkness & even more loneliness, I just need fill it back up with new beautiful things. Start getting to know new people, opening up & getting closer to new people; change. Everyone says change is good. Change is good when your same old shit is starting to drive you crazy, & you want to pull out your hair, & punch everyone in the head. Change is really good then. But change is sad, having to let go of the daydream that things were going to be perfect & so great. It's hard. Having to let go of an idea that kept you moving forward everyday & kept you warm at night. It's really fucking hard. But while half of me mourns the death of what could have been, the other half is trying really hard to stay positive.

I've got a lot of new things coming up (hopefully): a new weekday job, a new weekend internship, some side projects... I mean, those'll keep me busy. Like, really busy. & really busy is really good for people who slip into really sad really easily. Like me. I know it's going to be all sad to be alone with no one to really talk to, and no one to "be" with romantically, but the best things happen when you least expect it, & it's usually when you're focused on bettering yourself. People are drawn to that. People are drawn to other people with a light in them, a happiness, an optimistic vibe, an idea that you're stable & somewhat have your shit together. We're all drawn to that because we all want that for ourselves. (I'm really just trying to be my own therapist right now, so I'm bouncing around first & third & twelfth person. Whoops.) I need to become the kind of person I would want to be around. How can I expect anyone to want to be around me if I give off this energy that I don't even like myself? I need to better myself, & love myself. I need to stop hating myself, hating on the things that I do, the way that I feel... I need to stop feeling helpless, like I have no control over my own life. I need to stop waiting on other people who are never going to show up, and stop putting my life on hold for someone else. I need to make myself my number one priority. I need to somehow stop feeding off the good feeling/importance of the relationships in my life. I am not the relationships that I am in/not in. If a relationship fails, that does not mean that I fail.

Start doing the things that make YOU happy & feel good. You deserve to be happy. Good things will come to you when you start loving yourself.

(Like I said, I kind of bounce around talking out from my point of view & talking at myself, telling myself what I should do. Sorry, can't control it. That's just how my brain works.)

It's late (erm, like 5:37am kind of late) so I'm going to head up to bed.

1 comment:

JB said...

I love reading your blog, because, it always seems like you're going through the exact same thing i'm going through, and it makes me feel sane. We should talk more.