Saturday, January 31, 2009

That felt good.

So I said something. I had a problem & I actually said something & took care of it myself, without talking to someone else prior to the "confrontation". Although I'm exhuasted as hell now (because of it, & dealing with everything in the first place) but I'm am so relieved that I spoke up. Not a whole lot could be said because I'm not sure either of us were entirely ready for that & because it was over text messages. But, enough was said & we've made plans for an actual dinner out to talk everything over. Now, how exactly that's going to turn out, I have no fucking clue. I mean, I'm really glad for it, & I think it's going to clear a lot of things up... but if things get too weird/awkward or if someone changes their mind (& this is mostly for me), a sit-down dinner, in person, face to face is going to be a lot harder to bail on than simply making up a quick excuse & hanging up the phone. Plus, that makes for screaming, freaking out, hiding, & talking without the use of a backspace key a little harder. It kind of needs to be done though, for my sake at least, because I'm not a fan of consciously blindfolding myself & running head-on into a brick wall. Although I keep telling myself "I don't care, & I'm cool with whatever happens, happens" I kind of need to at least know if I'm wasting my time or not. Because that is more important to me than trying to come off as laid back.

aaand I'm brain dead.

Like always, a rant.

Wow, really Veronica? Could you try any harder?
Actually, no, this one isn't your fault this time. He basically asked you to try a little harder (by saying, I quote, "u don't seem to be very good at holding up a convo"), but ironically enough, that call to action lead to him being less responsive. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. I feel like.. well what the fuck was that for? I think I'm actually pissed off. Yeah, I am. I'm pissed because I actually put forth a lot of effort, & it meant nothing & I got nothing in return. Why am I here again? If you took out the physical aspect, where is the fun in this situation? Maybe it's just the "being pissed off" talking, but seriously, what the fuck am I doing, & why the fuck am I doing it?

Was that the cut off point?
FUCK! I need real people to talk to. -_-

Friday, January 30, 2009

Meanwhile, in the world I live in inside of my head...

Today was a shit day. I felt like I got no sleep (from ending last night on a bad note), the mood from last night seeped into my morning & never really left my system (until later in the day for a brief moment, only to return), I was blown off by two people I had plans with but only found out that I was after I waited around all day & contacted them first (I seriously hate that so much), then I beat myself up & sat around staring blankly at things realizing that I had no back-up plan, got a phone call that cheered me up slightly, my mood then picked up, & then it was torn down by the same person who initially set me off in a good mood in the first place (a little ironic), & now I'm here.

Just to get into a little detail/vent about the person with the ability to change my moods... seriously, what's my deal? When do things switch from me being giddy all the time to freaking out & always wanting to smack myself in the forehead? & why do I always feel like I'm not good enough? & why/how do I manage to make every situation awkward? & why am I horrible at holding a conversation? GET IN THE MOMENT VERONICA! YOU'RE GOING TO SCREW THIS UP IF YOU DON'T GET YOURSELF TOGETHER! Why am I not together? This I've actually thought about, & my only conclusion is that I don't have a real person to empty the contents of my head to. Sure, Billy tells me to try & tell him what's really going on in my head, & nearly every time I do, I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. I can't just give him unfiltered thoughts. That's not me at all. I don't want to come off as a cooky, scattered, uncollected, mindless, speechless, empty idiot who can't form a complete sentence. So now what? I need to stop worrying so much.. about myself, how I come off, how I must look, how I think he thinks of me (although I know eliminating all of that entirely is impossible, lessening it would be a healthy goal to aim for) because I'm really letting it all start to get to me. & I don't know how all possible it is to change, but I need to (try to) stop feeding on other people's energy & try to create my own. & I mean that like.. I'm sort of way too conscious & careful about my mood & energy levels & I try to keep it level with whoever I'm with or talking to. Maybe it makes sense to keep that characteristic.. but maybe switching gears a little bit & trying to be more of a leader than a follower will be good too.

It's really weird, being in a transition... wanting to change but not entirely sure which things to keep & which things to toss. I think that might also add to my awkwardness. Because I'm trying to do things differently, I don't know how to handle myself exactly, & I'm not totally comfortable with & sure of myself yet. I also don't know exactly which things about me weren't working out & need tossing. So I guess it's all trial & error, which isn't exactly my strong point--being okay with being totally wrong. It's alright though, I need this, & it's only practice for the HUGE change that'll be coming on later in the year. I can't be falling apart now or I won't stand a chance in LA on my own. & to quote a nice little message I got today "fight back". I can't just let things (& little things at that) consume me. I'm better than that, & I know it. Come on, BE somebody, DO something! (& then I switch to talking to myself) You are worth it, so stop thinking you aren't. You're as good as you think you are. & stop beating yourself up. You wouldn't allow for anyone to do that to themself because of you, so don't allow to do it to yourself because of other people.

I feel like I need to do this, because if I don't, no one else will do it for me:

You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. & my fingers hurt from typing that. ow.

Take charge, stop making problems where there aren't any, be optimistic, be the kind of person you would want to be around, & smile & dance around more. I think that right there is the self-answer to my problems.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Fuck fuck fuckkk

My night went from bad to worse to waaay fucking more worse. Tonight sucks so much.

I have no one to talk to. :(


pooooooooop -_-

I don't know why, but that's all I can manage to say when I don't really have the energy to do anything else about it. I hate when bad thoughts creep up & surprise-ruin your good day. The way you feel right before you go to bed is almost more important than how the rest of the day went.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Some resolutions to work on right now...

Alright, for some reason I've been kind of dead, a sort of "there.. but not really there" kind of thing. I don't like it, I'm sure the people around me don't like it, & so something(s) must be done. Having all the time in the world is perfect for working on things like this, so thanks Starbucks for giving me like no hours! (I'm not sure if I mean that, I'm just trying to make the best out of that situation.) Okay, so the problem is I'm not very present. My eyes are tired, my brain isn't functioning at top speeds, I'm lacking opinion, there's a lag, & I'm being overly laid back, boring even. WHERE ARE YOU VERONICA?!

Here is how we're going to fix this:
-Get some sleep at night
-Talk more, blog more, call people more, tell people about your day
-Start conversations
-Stretch & exercise a little bit every day
-Take pictures
-Get outside
-Stick to to-do lists
-Be organized
-Be honest
-Say things when & while you think them
-Stop trying to be in control of everything
-Don't think so much into things
-Stop living in your head
-Don't avoid feelings
-Be creative
-Throw yourself out there without knowing exactly what's going to happen
-Take risks
-Stop doubting yourself
-Stop being so awkward & making things awkward
-Have energy & life & love & confidence & personality
-Like & love yourself.

That actually turned out to be a bit more than I had originally thought, but that's alright. & quite a few of those were slight repeats anyway.

mini workout then bed.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Fortune cookie

"Your short term goal will soon be realized."

That's so weird! I was just thinking to myself that I need to figure some pre-FIDM things out. Thanks Kim's Teriyaki for an awesome & most needed fortune! :)

Now I have to pick out dresses for Shea to decide for me to wear to this ridiculous(ly awesome) "Monster Prom" thing tomorrow. haha.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Holy crap.

I'm bruised, & sore, & I don't own a turtleneck.

Hooooooly crap.
haha :)

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


This is the picture I would have sent him... if I weren't totally embarrassed & retarded & girly.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Take that, 2008!

I don't have a whole lot of time to babble, but I just wanted to say:


EAT THAT, assholes who thought they had a big hold over me, people who couldn't see me doing it, & past thoughts of being sad & wanting to give up!


I'm going to start being the best version of myself.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

It's a new year!

Oh! Writing my new years resolutions down here would be a really good idea.
But I'm not going to.
Not right now, at least.

I am going to try to write here more, though. Just to reflect about my day, get little thoughts out, sort my mind out in a way my eyes can follow.

For today though, I just want to say that I got a bra fitting for the first time at Victoria Secret (only because all the bras I picked up to try on didn't seem to fit right & I kind of was like "uhhhh WTF?!") & it turns out I'm actually a 36D. Not 36C. Uhhm. When did my boobs get bigger? & why does it really not seem like they're that big?

Whatever.. BOOBS@!