Friday, January 30, 2009

Meanwhile, in the world I live in inside of my head...

Today was a shit day. I felt like I got no sleep (from ending last night on a bad note), the mood from last night seeped into my morning & never really left my system (until later in the day for a brief moment, only to return), I was blown off by two people I had plans with but only found out that I was after I waited around all day & contacted them first (I seriously hate that so much), then I beat myself up & sat around staring blankly at things realizing that I had no back-up plan, got a phone call that cheered me up slightly, my mood then picked up, & then it was torn down by the same person who initially set me off in a good mood in the first place (a little ironic), & now I'm here.

Just to get into a little detail/vent about the person with the ability to change my moods... seriously, what's my deal? When do things switch from me being giddy all the time to freaking out & always wanting to smack myself in the forehead? & why do I always feel like I'm not good enough? & why/how do I manage to make every situation awkward? & why am I horrible at holding a conversation? GET IN THE MOMENT VERONICA! YOU'RE GOING TO SCREW THIS UP IF YOU DON'T GET YOURSELF TOGETHER! Why am I not together? This I've actually thought about, & my only conclusion is that I don't have a real person to empty the contents of my head to. Sure, Billy tells me to try & tell him what's really going on in my head, & nearly every time I do, I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. I can't just give him unfiltered thoughts. That's not me at all. I don't want to come off as a cooky, scattered, uncollected, mindless, speechless, empty idiot who can't form a complete sentence. So now what? I need to stop worrying so much.. about myself, how I come off, how I must look, how I think he thinks of me (although I know eliminating all of that entirely is impossible, lessening it would be a healthy goal to aim for) because I'm really letting it all start to get to me. & I don't know how all possible it is to change, but I need to (try to) stop feeding on other people's energy & try to create my own. & I mean that like.. I'm sort of way too conscious & careful about my mood & energy levels & I try to keep it level with whoever I'm with or talking to. Maybe it makes sense to keep that characteristic.. but maybe switching gears a little bit & trying to be more of a leader than a follower will be good too.

It's really weird, being in a transition... wanting to change but not entirely sure which things to keep & which things to toss. I think that might also add to my awkwardness. Because I'm trying to do things differently, I don't know how to handle myself exactly, & I'm not totally comfortable with & sure of myself yet. I also don't know exactly which things about me weren't working out & need tossing. So I guess it's all trial & error, which isn't exactly my strong point--being okay with being totally wrong. It's alright though, I need this, & it's only practice for the HUGE change that'll be coming on later in the year. I can't be falling apart now or I won't stand a chance in LA on my own. & to quote a nice little message I got today "fight back". I can't just let things (& little things at that) consume me. I'm better than that, & I know it. Come on, BE somebody, DO something! (& then I switch to talking to myself) You are worth it, so stop thinking you aren't. You're as good as you think you are. & stop beating yourself up. You wouldn't allow for anyone to do that to themself because of you, so don't allow to do it to yourself because of other people.

I feel like I need to do this, because if I don't, no one else will do it for me:

You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. You are worth it. & my fingers hurt from typing that. ow.

Take charge, stop making problems where there aren't any, be optimistic, be the kind of person you would want to be around, & smile & dance around more. I think that right there is the self-answer to my problems.

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