Sunday, June 28, 2009

I am frustrated.

Actually, that is a complete understatement. I don't know why, but my phone messing up (constantly), not syncing up right on google calendar, & making TONS of copies of events on my phone's calendar has struck a chord. And a bad one at that. I want to rip my hair out & scream & break my first through the screen & smash things & UGHSDF;OJSDAFKJSDKJ I'm already goddamned tired. I don't know wtf's wrong with it but it's extra pissing me off because the events that I actually put in there (aka my WORK SCHEDULE) are set to have an alarm go off an hour early (you know, for me to wake up in time for work) AND THEY HAVEN'T BEEN GOING OFF. I havent' been sleeping through them, I know that for sure because my alarm is loud as shit & I've also already been already awake & heard nothing. It's just frustrating dealing with an expensive piece of shit that does none of the things I originally bought it for. Thanks Blackberry & Verizon, you really fucked me on this one.

Also, for some goddamned reason Billy is stuck is downtown Seattle & thought it would be a genius idea to WALK all the way to his house. at 2am. by himself. Why the fuck is he being such a retard tonight?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Last string*

*for now

So it happened today... I finally said, "I think we should take a break." & while I don't feel details of that are entirely necessary at this point, I said/did it, & I feel sad, but happy & relieved in a way--just to finally say something that's been on the tip of my tongue for a while.. to finally allow myself to say & do what I felt was needed.. it just feels so good to just not suck it up, take a deep sigh, & say, "ohhh, it's ok." I win, & lose. Double lose? I'm not sure, but so far this "break" seems to be the breath of fresh air I've been needing. I've had some time to cool off, relax, think, not think.. but I don't want to rush anything. It took me FOREVER to finally work up the balls to suggest a break & I don't want to just jump back in. I want us to have both learned something from this & hopefully, if it's meant to be, we'll both benefit from a better relationship... you know, with each other.

I really had no idea he thought/felt like that about the 'future' though.. maybe we do still click...

The dress from Penelope:

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I feel like a fishing pole.

cast away.. reel back in... cast away.. reel back in... cast away.. reel back in... cast away.. reel back in... cast away.. reel back in...

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Suddenly everything has changed.

I've reached a breaking point. I'm finally taking every sign, every hint, every big red arrow that's ever pointed to the obvious answer & going with it. I cannot change people, & I don't want to change people. I cannot patiently wait around, putting my life on hold, being treated like shit, settling for less, going against what I want & don't want to do.. for someone to become a person they will never be. I want to be with someone for the person they are right now, not who they have potential for becoming, who they were in the past, or who they will be in the future.

Even though it completely breaks my heart, I can only try & do so much before I realize that I'm wrong. I was wrong about the first impression, who I thought he was, what kind of situation I thought I was getting myself into, what his priorities were, in thinking that what he said & what he would do would be the same thing, about waiting around for things to get better, for always thinking "one more chance", for just giving up even though I wasn't the one who did wrong, for letting my feelings get hurt even more just because I was afraid of slightly hurting his, for believing everything he's ever said to me, for even imagining "forever" for even a split second, for putting him as one of my top priorities...
for not calling it earlier.

My heart hurts & it's exhausted. I don't want to do this, but it's not fair to me (& will ruin me) if I don't. I want(ed) this to work so bad, but I've reached a point where I would rather be alone than (semi) constantly disappointed, unsatisfied, miserable, sad, angry, hopeless..

I am admitting defeat.