Saturday, June 6, 2009
Suddenly everything has changed.
I've reached a breaking point. I'm finally taking every sign, every hint, every big red arrow that's ever pointed to the obvious answer & going with it. I cannot change people, & I don't want to change people. I cannot patiently wait around, putting my life on hold, being treated like shit, settling for less, going against what I want & don't want to do.. for someone to become a person they will never be. I want to be with someone for the person they are right now, not who they have potential for becoming, who they were in the past, or who they will be in the future.
Even though it completely breaks my heart, I can only try & do so much before I realize that I'm wrong. I was wrong about the first impression, who I thought he was, what kind of situation I thought I was getting myself into, what his priorities were, in thinking that what he said & what he would do would be the same thing, about waiting around for things to get better, for always thinking "one more chance", for just giving up even though I wasn't the one who did wrong, for letting my feelings get hurt even more just because I was afraid of slightly hurting his, for believing everything he's ever said to me, for even imagining "forever" for even a split second, for putting him as one of my top priorities...
for not calling it earlier.
My heart hurts & it's exhausted. I don't want to do this, but it's not fair to me (& will ruin me) if I don't. I want(ed) this to work so bad, but I've reached a point where I would rather be alone than (semi) constantly disappointed, unsatisfied, miserable, sad, angry, hopeless..
I am admitting defeat.