Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Why do I snoop through profiles on the internet? I know I don't care about.. them, & I know I don't want.. them anymore. So what's the deal stomach? So what if he has a picture with some other girl? Uhhhm, hello, you have a boyfriend. What the fuck do you care? But I don't care.. it's just weird, I think I got like instant jealousy & a slight whisper from the back of my mind "you never took pictures like that with me". Which then led to "...why wasn't I good enough?" but I don't want to go down that road of beating myself up for things that weren't/aren't my fault & that are faaar in the past.
It's just kind of weird to think about how fast things can change... & how a feeling so strongly felt for one person no longer exists & someone new is in that place. It's like the same amount of energy, same feeling, same actions, but with someone else. I guess just the thought of how interchangable love is sort of makes my stomach sick. I don't know.
But I don't want the past. That ended for a reason & it was unreal & unfair & one-sided & contstantly disappointing. It's just so easy for "not good enough" thoughts to creep up on me, especially when I'm already pretty lonely. I know it's not true & I guess now that I'm aware that I do that, I can point out when it happens & stop it.
Sounds like it's about time to schedule another apointment with the therapist. I need to learn how to keep myself together when I'm alone. Bah, it always makes me cry when "I'm totally alone, I have no one here for me, & there's no one to talk to" fill my head. Ahhhhh, stoppppp it!