Friday, August 7, 2009

feelings beyond my control

I've been getting really easily irritated lately. I don't know why. Just little things that Billy does.. they really get to me for some reason. It's never just one little thing though, but it's like after one thing kind of annoys me, the collection of irritation begins until I explode with frustration tears. I get so frustrated & it just rips me apart because I'm not going to scream my head off at him, I can't throw anything, I won't break anything, & the fact that I'm bottling it up & can't get it out frustrates me even more. All I can do is dig my nails into my skin, squirm a bit, & cry until I'm exhausted. The way I think doesn't convert into coherent words, which works against me because all that ends up coming out is "I don't know" & then he goes "So you don't even know why you're mad?" No! It's not that I don't know why, it's that I don't know how to put it into words yet. I hate that I'm not as eloquent as I am in my head. Somewhere between my brain & my mouth, everything falls apart.

He doesn't really help when the situation gets to that point either though.. in fact he kind of adds to it. He's just so quick to be defensive & already takes a annoyed tone with me that it gets even bigger. I feel like I want him to be this big huge fix to everything, but it's so hard to pull someone closer & want to push them away at the same time. But he always has these little stabs--"So you're mad because [insert some stupid reason that obviously doesn't relate or isn't the cause]?" asdfasdfasdf It's frustrating because he doesn't make the situation any better & it's up to me to fix my own problems.

But I don't know how to. I'm frustated with him, but I'm also frustrated with myself that I'm constantly feeling like this. It's exhausting & completely opposite of who I am. I never fight with boyfriends, friends, people. I don't like being in that situation, but I can't just pretend that there isn't some sort of problem. Subconsciously there's something I'm upset with & I'll be doing little actions like pushing him away as a joke at first but then really mean it before I even realize that I do. That doesn't make any sense. I just don't know how to deal with this. I really don't want to break up, but I don't want to have this feeling of being stuck together when things like this happen. Trying to hold myself together while being pushed to the edge kind of drains me.. I start to feel really empty & robotic & dead.

Do I just sit back & watch us fall apart?

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