Monday, October 11, 2010

You can't control other people.

I keep telling myself that to sort of pep-talk myself out of this downer mood I'm in.
I can't control other people.
I can't make people care more.
I can't make someone want me.
I just.. can't.

& this total lack of control & waste of energy is making me feel hopeless. I don't have time to feel hopeless or to deal with any of this really... this is my very last & most hardest quarter ever.. But here I am, & I don't know why. I don't know why I want it to work so bad... maybe it's because I hate giving up, or because I like picturing this perfect future where everything goes right & there's actually a real face to put on the guy, or because we've already come so "far", or because maybe I'm just ever soooooo close to everything working out & I just need to push a little further...

I'm really just ranting & trying to empty my head out. It's 3:35 in the morning & I wanted to go to bed a looooong time ago, but just couldn't. I was just laying here thinking over & over again about how upset he made me, how he didn't care (enough), how being so mad was actually making me sad, how I'm totally alone & it sucks, how there's no one to talk to, how I miss just being able to get a hug from anyone when I was sad..

I don't know what to do. & if I did, I wouldn't know how to do it. & if I did, I wouldn't have the balls to because I don't want to end up alone & even more sad.

Wait, that wasn't the happy-note-before-I-go-to-bed I was hoping for.
Guess I can't even talk myself out of this one this time.

And then I started looking for a picture to put at the beginning of this post, which led me to someone's tumbler, & half an hour & a billion right-click-save-as' later, I'm in a better mood. Note to self, the worst mood can be fixed with some inspiring & artistic pictures. I need a tumbler, but what the fuck is it? Also the page I found is:

So, whatever lame-ass, probably artsy, but definitely emotional & frustrating & sad picture I would have put up there, is now being over-rided (over-rid?) by a picture I found of my future work room in my future whatever living space that's big enough for me to have an entire separate work place that isn't 2 feet from my bed.

And goodnight!

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