I lost my sense of direction

"Thinking 'I'm better than that' & then finding out I'm actually not" seems to be a recurring theme.

Jesus Christ are schools expensive--the good ones that I'd actually want to go to, at least. I feel more & more left out on my own when it comes to paying for school. How am I supposed to pay for programs that cost $20,000-81,00o+? But I'm so tired of settling for less. I want to be excited for going to school for interior design, but I can't when I'm obviously dealing with the crap scraps of school options. Are junior colleges even really accredited schools? I'm going to go with probably not. I feel like a bitch for being so picky. Who am I to say that I deserve better? I think in a perfect, money-less world, I'd be going to The Art Institute. I mean, that's what comes to mind when I think of interior design classes... with a well stocked work room, & studio classrooms, & legit design teachers with projects that relate to what I want to learn about.

And I'm tired of going to school with 40 year old people. Seriously, going from one community college to another is starting to give me a really grim outlook on life. Like I'm destined to always aim & be second rate. I don't want to look at myself that way. For some reason I've always thought I was better than that. I'm torn in two. There's one side of me that's letting go & trying to just accept the reality of things, & then there's the other side that keeps pushing & demanding & expecting something better. And they argue with each other. Maybe I'm really split into three pieces. The third one sits in the middle & listens while the other two tug on each arm, trying to win the majority.

I just want to be in a place where I can be inspired & driven to learn more. But the longer I wait for something.. the more I learn to live without it. If the chance comes too late, it just won't feel relevant--like trying to resurrect something that died a long time ago. I don't want that to happen. I mean, it's kind of already started with the giving up/sacrificing/redirecting of plans, but it's not totally gone.. yet.

But still, it all comes down to money, which I'm constantly reminded that I don't have.
*Tuition for Interior Design*
Art Institute: $6,000/quarter 120-180 credits ($54,360+/81,540+)
WSU: $3,360/10-18credits, 80 credits undergrad? (something might be off)
Cornish: $25,300/12-18credits, 122 credits
BCC: $159.55/credit, 161 credits ($25,687+)
Clover Park: $49.71/credit, 124 credits ($6,164+)
Highline: $75.80/credit, 90 credits ($6,822+)


:(