Tuesday, June 5, 2012

What am I even doing with my life?

I get lost in this idea that it always has to be one or the other. That there's only one answer. That there's only one right way. But I am so in the middle, so average, so mediocre that I can't tell which way I'm supposed to lean. That just coasting in the middle isn't doing enough & I need to be all of at least something. What's my drive? What's my purpose? What do I even want? & if I knew, am I even actually qualified to get it? Do I change my wants to things I can actually have? I feel so lost right now.

I've been pro-Hawaii the entire time I've been out here--this is really the only time I've ever had any kind of doubt. But what am I really even doing out here? I know the whole point of coming out here was to, for the first time in my life, not have a plan... to just let things happen. Does it make me an uptight bitch to be freaking out about how on earth I'm actually choosing to live in some shady dirty old apartment behind a Chinese Buddhist Temple, where I have to attempt to kill a giant oriental cockroach at least every/every other week, where I just found a termite in my bathroom, where I basically kicked my cousin out of my apartment because there was too much drama & not enough space, where my Aunt decided to take the bed back & now there's a shitty Costco futon on the floor that I absolutely cannot stand so I'll probably just grab a sheet & sleep on the couch, where I pay way too much rent & get paid way too little at a job that's only so-so with zero creativity to the point where I can feel part of my brain dying, where I'm realizing I kind of have no real hobbies & I'm actually kind of extremely boring & I wouldn't even want to be friends with me so it's not really all that surprising that I literally only have 1 consistent friend out here, but that it's actually kind of surprising that he's stuck around for this long... What the fuck am I doing with my life? Seriously.

I know this is kind of okay for this time in my life: early 20's, on my "own", away from home, out of college but still not much to really show for it.. But what if this is as good as it gets? What if I'm still bumming around, living paycheck to paycheck, only going out if someone offers to pay because I'm literally that broke until payday, 20 bucks in my savings account, calling my parents every day just to see what they're up to, answering phone calls followed by "one second, let me transfer you", buying clothes that fall apart way too fast because they're so cheaply made, instagramming my day to feel like my life looks so much cooler that it really is--in 5 to 10 years, I won't have the excuse of "whatever, I'm 22". I don't want to get to that later part of my life & wish I had done better because I'm still in some unhappy hole I can't seem to pull myself out of. I realize that a major part joy in life is not knowing, & sometimes I really know how to grasp the idea of appreciating not knowing, but other times, fuck man-I just really want to know if I'm going to be okay. How am I supposed to know the difference between "early 20's hardships" & a red flag flying in the air with explosions & a whistle telling me to abandon ship? How do I know when to quit while I'm ahead?

I'm not miserable; my one consistent friend makes me feel like I might actually be doing something right out here. I wish I were living under better circumstances. My living & work situation is not the absolute worst; it's definitely better than when I first came out here. But lately I've been feeling that "better than before" isn't good enough anymore. But it's not wrong to keep wanting more or better for yourself, is it? I don't think it is, but then where I get stuck is trying to find a way to achieve more & better. "More" & "better" requires a salary that I am currently way under + a degree  & talents that I don't have & aren't developed enough for anyone to actually make use out of.

I just want to be able to be proud of my choices & of myself. I want my parents to be proud of me & not see me as some fuck up that wasted a lot of money & took the easy way out. I want my sister to be able to look up to me & want to be like me in some kind of way.. But how the fuck am I even supposed to do all of that?

I need to do more, be more, see more, want more, push more, give more, more more more.

What am I even doing with my life?

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