Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Looking forward, Pt 2

Oh! & I finally told Tyler how I've felt after all these years. But it was actually more for the purpose of letting go & being able to move forward with my life. I think what I've learned most from this is that the  weight of not saying what you need to when you need to can really bring you down & hold you back, & things seem like they're going to be so much more terrible in your head. Just say it. I'm going to stop being so afraid of disrupting someone's mood. After thoughts have had time to manifest & multiply in my head, they seems like they're going to be this huge fantastically terrible thing, but in reality, no one gives a fuck & shit is just not that big a deal. Just say it, right then & there. & it feels good!

I've also been applying that to guys who try to ask me out. I don't know why, but it makes me so uncomfortable because I think I don't want to disappoint them & make them feel like that don't have a chance or something. Or maybe it's like some weird want to be universally liked. Whatever, I'm learning that even if it seems weird to say, if the truth is that I'm just not interested in that way & the fact is that I'm seeing someone (even if it doesn't have some stupid label), there really is no chance, & it's going to save everyone time to just be upfront in the beginning. I know that's like a big "well, DUH", but you know, it's me, & I'm slow at these things. haha

Anyway, I feel like I'm learning & growing & becoming more comfortable with myself. Obvi it's a work in progress, but progress nonetheless. :)

Looking forward

So there's this killer apartment-share on the 38th floor of a high rise just outside of Waikiki that I've applied for & today the girl sent me a follow up text to tell me it's looking like a move-in date of early December & that I was her first pick for the room. DUDE. How fucking amazing would that be?

Oh, I might've forgotten to mention that I got a promotion at work & they're going to be moving me onto the architecture side! The amazing part is that they're willing to take the time to teach me the new cadd program & let me explore with 3D programs. This is seriously a mind-blowing opportunity that no one else would ever even think about giving me. So obviously I have to take it, which means I'll be out here for another year or two. Two max, I think. But who knows where I'll end up.

Things are really great with David. I think we're really enjoying our time together that we have. I try not to think too much about him leaving at the end of the year because it really just breaks my heart. I know it's for the best (what's best for him is in SF, what's best for me is here in HI), but man it blows. I think I've really fallen for him, & in a very different way than I've ever experienced. Compared to the other relationships I've had.. I don't know how to describe it without rambling, but this one feels real, & healthy, & I feel like this is exactly the kind of relationship that I've been looking for. You know, without the him leaving & who knows when I'll ever see him again part. Hah, but seriously, he's exactly what I've been looking for. This is going to be a hard one to let go.

I guess on the plus side, I won't be empty-handed. After he leaves I can try to fill that big empty gap in my chest with cadd drawings & a new apartment. I hate that I won't be able to share all that new excitement & happiness with him though. I'm ranting in circles now. But that's how it feels. It's bittersweet, & happy & sad.

Anyway, monumental changes are coming!