Okay, so organizing my thoughts down in writing actually does help a lot. Which I just did & saved as a draft. I want to try to refine it a little better now that my initial overwhelming emotions are are out of the way. Maybe I can actually figure out how I really feel about things.
I've dated some pretty rotten guys in the past & to be honest, I'm still pretty scarred in some ways. It's a little conflicting now because I'm wanting to do things but my instinct is waving red flags saying "Uhm HEY. Remember the last time you were in this situation & you did this? It ended horribly. Don't fucking do that again. Do the exact opposite & try to be fucking cool man." But another part of me doesn't feel like doing the exact opposite is actually the right idea. So I'm torn in a lot of ways on what to think, what's "right", & what to tell myself to move forward. I don't want to make the same mistakes I did in the past, but then I'm not really sure which of those were actually mine & which ones were the guy trying to turn things around on me.
I really want to get past all of this though because it's been such a long time since I've had anything to do with those douchebag guys. I don't like that those things still mess me up. I think I've grown a lot since then, & I deserve & want better/more for myself. And I really feel like I might actually have a shot at something really good with a really great guy--I don't want these insecurities/doubts/fears to end up ruining something I actually really want. Like a lot.
But maybe it's not something I can really fix on my own. I mean, I didn't get to this way of thinking on my own, so I probably won't be able to see & realize better on my own. Maybe it's something I might have to let someone else in on.
...I think that was a little more refined & shinier that my first draft anyway.