Rebuilding my foundation

It's been a rough week for me. Not with work or anything, work's been great & has been doing an awesome job at keeping me busy/distracted/tired. I've just been having a pretty hard relapse this week. It's happened a few times over the past month, but this week has been particularly hard. I think it's because I'm running out of immediate distractions to hide behind, especially at night. Night time is always the worst, when you're alone & left with your thoughts...

Anyway, I don't feel like completely pouring myself out right now. I talked to Billy earlier & said the things I needed to say. For some reason I just had to tell him how I've been feeling & how I'm still really hurt about how he treated me. Being able to say it to him & know that he heard really helped. Finally off of my chest. Like seriously, a weight is lifted off & not pressing on my heart & my lungs making it hard to breathe. I think it's going to take me a really long time to heal from that relationship, honestly.

But I've had a shift in priorities in my life. Last night while I was listening to Priscilla Ahn's music, something just kind of clicked. I wanted to do things for me. It didn't matter that I was alone & didn't have a guy in my life. It's really hard to not feel like my life is valued at the relationships I have, but I'm going to try. I think I need to stop hiding behind quick + temporary fixes & fix myself at the foundation. Things may be severely broken after Billy, but I think I'll eventually be able to put myself back together, & make/rebuild myself into the person I've been wanting to be. Love will come & find me when the time is right.. when I'm right again.

Anyway, that's it for now, but there will be more soon. Promise.

Hit a snag.

Just one of those nights where I'm not as together as I usually am.

It happens I suppose.

A new beginning

I feel like I've used this title before, & maybe even a picture similar to this, but the difference this time is that I'm not in a dark place trying to convince myself that I'm going to make things better & pull myself out of a rut.. things actually are better right now.

Billy & I have officially & for-surely broken up. It was & is sad, but it was coming. I knew it & I think he did too..

What's weird is that the very next day I was taking the ferry to Seattle to go to bars with Kim for St. Patrick's Day & I ran into Aaron in the terminal, who I used to have a huuuuuuuuge crush on in high school. Kim was running late & so were Aaron's friends so we decided to grab a beer & catch up for a little. (Apparently he just got out of a 2 year relationship too, like the week beforehand) We ended up hanging out for the rest of the night, going to a bunch of different bars together. We've been hanging out & talking since.. & I'm really liking him. I don't want to ruin anything by jumping in too quickly or getting a huge overload of hanging out (like I've done in the past & then ended up wanting to strangle whoever I was talking to). But it just feels like this could be a really good thing. He's a genuinely nice guy & like reeeeeally cute. Like, easily one of the best looking guys I've ever been with. haha :)

Anyway, what else is awesome is that I got the job at Pier1 & I'm going in at noon (crap & it's 3:30am now) to sign the papers & officially become an employee. I SERIOUSLY need the money too. It's going to be nice to have some structure to my day. I mean, I do love waking up at 2pm & playing Zelda all day & then going back to sleep at 6am, but I think I'm going to like having an income & being able to get out of the house a lot more.

Alright, just wanted to make a quick post that showed my life wasn't always black clouds & crying all the time :) Goodnight!

Day 2.

I guess it's not really Day 2 of being alone, more like Day 9827634189237463285432wdfa87298u23984... But in relation to my last post, it's Day 2.

So, day 2 & it still blows. I guess it blows because part of me is still hoping it'll magically fix & get better. But it doesn't.

Part of me really wants to write out how exhausted & sad & heartbroken I am, but then the other part has toughened up & gotten really impatient & realized that this isn't a new feeling. I mean, how many times can you be heartbroken before there's nothing left to break anymore? But maybe that's not exactly true, because it still hurts just as much each time.

I don't understand why things are so impossibly hard with Billy. I just wish he were capable of listening & hearing me out & being comforting/supporting/sympathetic to how I feel instead of getting angry & shoving it back in my face & telling me I'm wrong. How can someone even be "wrong" for being sad or upset? How is that possible? & I don't understand how he can do something, get mad about my reaction, & then do something again because my reaction was"wrong". I get a triple hit. I wish he would just listen to me... I wish it bothered him that he makes me cry. I wish he listened & actually cared about what I was saying...

What's so impossibly frustrating is that he keeps saying I'm "perfect" for him & he doesn't want us to break up, he wants to be with me.. but then goes out every single night & says when I'm not in front of him it's easier for him to imagine him being able to move on. What's frustrating is that I don't go out. When I'm with someone, I like to spend time with them & just chill & enjoy their company, & if I go out, it's with them. What's frustrating is that all he got out of that was me "telling" him not to go out with his friends anymore. That's not even close to what I was trying to say. He doesn't listen or understand or try to see things from my point of view. & there's nothing more frustrating than someone who won't listen to you. He's got everything ALL wrong, & he wont-- God, I don't even know how I turned out to be the bad guy here.

I hate that when I cry I literally feel like I could die. I hate how incredibly painful it is, I can't breathe, & I want to do anything to make it stop. It feels like my skin is ripping off & my heart will explode. & I can't do anything to make it stop. I hate that. I hate this.

The art of letting go...

I know that's a cheesy picture, I know that. But it really calls out to me for some reason. It kind of made me realize how to put into words how I've been feeling lately...

I've been really upset with people who are "close" to me. I feel like I've been slipping down people's priorities lists. Now, I'm not saying that I should be #1 or anything, but just, I mean, they're my close friends. They're important to me. I don't know. It's just weird though because while I was in LA I longed to see them again. I thought I would be happy again once they were physically back in my life... but I'm not. It's nothing like how I thought it was going to be.

Now to relate it to this picture, because I do love analogies so much: These "close" friends of mine were these perfect & beautiful little things that I kept locked up, safe, & always close to me. But so close that the idea of them overshadowed their reality, & once I finally took an actual look at them, they were different. Completely unrecognizable. Usually I would just be like "Fuck all you guys. I don't need anybody. Friends are for the weak. I'm gunna crawl in this hole & be all independent." Which has never worked. Never. So, what I'm getting out of this picture is that I need to let these once dear & beautiful things go, & instead of filling myself up with darkness & even more loneliness, I just need fill it back up with new beautiful things. Start getting to know new people, opening up & getting closer to new people; change. Everyone says change is good. Change is good when your same old shit is starting to drive you crazy, & you want to pull out your hair, & punch everyone in the head. Change is really good then. But change is sad, having to let go of the daydream that things were going to be perfect & so great. It's hard. Having to let go of an idea that kept you moving forward everyday & kept you warm at night. It's really fucking hard. But while half of me mourns the death of what could have been, the other half is trying really hard to stay positive.

I've got a lot of new things coming up (hopefully): a new weekday job, a new weekend internship, some side projects... I mean, those'll keep me busy. Like, really busy. & really busy is really good for people who slip into really sad really easily. Like me. I know it's going to be all sad to be alone with no one to really talk to, and no one to "be" with romantically, but the best things happen when you least expect it, & it's usually when you're focused on bettering yourself. People are drawn to that. People are drawn to other people with a light in them, a happiness, an optimistic vibe, an idea that you're stable & somewhat have your shit together. We're all drawn to that because we all want that for ourselves. (I'm really just trying to be my own therapist right now, so I'm bouncing around first & third & twelfth person. Whoops.) I need to become the kind of person I would want to be around. How can I expect anyone to want to be around me if I give off this energy that I don't even like myself? I need to better myself, & love myself. I need to stop hating myself, hating on the things that I do, the way that I feel... I need to stop feeling helpless, like I have no control over my own life. I need to stop waiting on other people who are never going to show up, and stop putting my life on hold for someone else. I need to make myself my number one priority. I need to somehow stop feeding off the good feeling/importance of the relationships in my life. I am not the relationships that I am in/not in. If a relationship fails, that does not mean that I fail.

Start doing the things that make YOU happy & feel good. You deserve to be happy. Good things will come to you when you start loving yourself.

(Like I said, I kind of bounce around talking out from my point of view & talking at myself, telling myself what I should do. Sorry, can't control it. That's just how my brain works.)

It's late (erm, like 5:37am kind of late) so I'm going to head up to bed.

Goodnight!

Diet.

I feel like we've put ourselves on some kind of intense, super model skinny relationship-diet. Now, what we've done with our diet is taken away all the delicious indulgences that are over rich & too sweet. Delicious, wonderful, lustfull things make our relationship fat. Now that they're gone, we function & live on without them. Not even wanting them. Our appetite for love is gone. Our relationship is frail & skinny, & there's no meat or cushion on those bones. Its not even attractive anymore. Nobody wants it...

But I'm tired of starving.
Feed me :(

Just a weird analogy that came to my head. I don't know I if you know this, but I love analogies. It helps me figure myself out, through something else. Bed time.

Success!

FINALLY! I told you happy times were on their way!

You didn't believe me though, did you? That's ok, I only half believed it myself, & that's because I had to or I was going to fall apart. (Frack, my crest whitestrips keep slipping off my teeth. Does anybody else have this problem? & of course my tongue finds the messed up corned & keeps prodding it.)

I'm celebrating because at the near end of this terrible & emotionally exhausting day, I got a call from an old friend (who I allllways love randomly hearing from) that completely turned my night, mood, & state of mind around. So what if it started out as a drunk dial. He called while I was crying & was totally awesome about it. That's amazingly good timing in my book.

Anyway, that's all I'm going to say. (Lame, I know. I get into huge detail about the things that are tearing me up, but just skim the surface of anything good.) The point is that I'm so extremely happy. A real happy. I laughed. I was laughing. Someone actually wanted to talk to me. ME. It's just a good feeling. & for like 4 & a half hours! Not one complaint, or fight, or anything. It was just so natural & easy & fun & nice for once.

Eh, I've got another 7 minutes on my whitestrips--I'll kill some time...

I've been using the Sims 3 game to help me get ideas for my design proposal for my Residential Design Practice/Thesis class. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but I'm such a visual person. I can't just stare at a blank piece of paper & go "OOH! Design for an entire house! I've got it!" This is really working for me, so who cares, right? My house design is going to me awesome though. Plus Tyler said I could use his name if I needed a new one for my client profile. :D He might've been drunk, but he still said it so, fair game! (Gah, are your teeth supposed to start aching after a few nights of crest whitestrips? There's definitely maybe something wrong going on here.)

Oh! Time's up! Gotta go :)

& goodnight!

(at 5:50 in the morning)