Thursday, November 6, 2008

But then

I just can't stop fucking crying. The second my mind stops being busy, my eyes flood with tears, & a feeling of worthlessness & being unwanted just consumes me. It's horrible & I hate it & I wish I always always worked to keep myself busy because now I have no one to talk to & I feel so incredibly alone & i should have never invested that much responsibility into one single person. The responsibility of being the one person I had left to talk to, could tell everything to, the only person I hung out with, & the only person I slept next to. Christ, & now I have to go out looking for friends, which never works. That's the kind of thing that's supposed to naturally happen, & definitely doesn't when I so desperately need it. So now I'm this pathetic thing who only has a pathetic blog to get things out of my mind. I just want someone to hold me or something & tell me things are going to be ok... but there isn't anyone like that for me. I mean, I can only dream that I had a mom that I told everything to, that I had that kind of relationship. My sister would be the closest person, but I mean, she's 12 & she wouldn't understand on the level that I'd want her to. But do I want someone to listen to me talk, or give me advice? Both, I suppose.

But I'm so mad at him for springing this on me. & I'm mad that I'm surprised because I always thought it would have been something that I'd be in on. Like, I'd totally know a break-up was coming or something. & I hate being mad at him because it breaks my heart even more. & I can't decide if that's what I should embrace to get over him or just be all "well, it was fun while it lasted" like he's already being. & I just want to scream because there's all this pressure building up in my head. I just don't know how I want to handle myself, I don't know how I'll end up actually doing so.

But he held my hand & told me he loved me as he said that we should break up. & that's just not fair to me at all. because I have no idea how to think or feel. & WHERE did this all come from. I wasn't complaining & you never said anything. But then I would have made an effort to fix it, if you had. This is how you deal with things. But how does something just go from being so happy to nothing?

And you made me wait all week to be with you. You made me wait. & Whenever I would send you text messages saying that I missed you, you would ask me if you could still see me on Wednesday. & I had nothing to do all day, so I waiting around for you to get off work, & I thought of things that we could do that we didn't usually do. By us doing something different, I was thinking along the lines of cooking our own dinner or going for a drive or something. not breaking up. & I hate how that never even crosses my mind, but it's the first thing to come to yours.

I want to cry like a child. with the screaming & the yelling & nonstop flow of tears & the not holding back. I want to scream & cry until I'm tired & can't anymore.

But I have work in 3 hours, & if i did that, I would be an absolute mess.

I am the ugliest crier though. & jesus christ the area under my eyes stings so bad.

I don't know what to do :'(

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