new song

I can't remember the last time I wrote a song. This one sorta just came to me.

Doctor & Patient

I am calm & collected,
the best I've ever been.
I can't let you get under my skin.

& I am fine, cause I told that
to myself 500,000 times
& like everything else, it is in my mind.

But there are times when I close
my eyes & I just can't decide
if all I'm doing hiding.

Cause I'm
frustrated. & that's an understatement.
All this built up pressure,
I've got to let it out.
I'm frustrated, cause there is no room
when I'm torn in two;
I'm the doctor & the patient.

You could give in & break everything.
That's one way to handle things.

& you could cut off everyone you know
& live in this black hole alone.

Or you could realized that none of that ever works
& in fact it just makes everything worse.

We've all been here more than a few good times,
so how about we do this one right?

I am calm & collected,
the best that I've ever been.
I can't let me get under my skin.

& I am fine, cause I told that
to myself 500,000 times
& like everything else it is in my mind.

You got one thing right

when you said that I kept trying to change things about myself because I couldn't change anything about you.

But then

I just can't stop fucking crying. The second my mind stops being busy, my eyes flood with tears, & a feeling of worthlessness & being unwanted just consumes me. It's horrible & I hate it & I wish I always always worked to keep myself busy because now I have no one to talk to & I feel so incredibly alone & i should have never invested that much responsibility into one single person. The responsibility of being the one person I had left to talk to, could tell everything to, the only person I hung out with, & the only person I slept next to. Christ, & now I have to go out looking for friends, which never works. That's the kind of thing that's supposed to naturally happen, & definitely doesn't when I so desperately need it. So now I'm this pathetic thing who only has a pathetic blog to get things out of my mind. I just want someone to hold me or something & tell me things are going to be ok... but there isn't anyone like that for me. I mean, I can only dream that I had a mom that I told everything to, that I had that kind of relationship. My sister would be the closest person, but I mean, she's 12 & she wouldn't understand on the level that I'd want her to. But do I want someone to listen to me talk, or give me advice? Both, I suppose.

But I'm so mad at him for springing this on me. & I'm mad that I'm surprised because I always thought it would have been something that I'd be in on. Like, I'd totally know a break-up was coming or something. & I hate being mad at him because it breaks my heart even more. & I can't decide if that's what I should embrace to get over him or just be all "well, it was fun while it lasted" like he's already being. & I just want to scream because there's all this pressure building up in my head. I just don't know how I want to handle myself, I don't know how I'll end up actually doing so.

But he held my hand & told me he loved me as he said that we should break up. & that's just not fair to me at all. because I have no idea how to think or feel. & WHERE did this all come from. I wasn't complaining & you never said anything. But then I would have made an effort to fix it, if you had. This is how you deal with things. But how does something just go from being so happy to nothing?

And you made me wait all week to be with you. You made me wait. & Whenever I would send you text messages saying that I missed you, you would ask me if you could still see me on Wednesday. & I had nothing to do all day, so I waiting around for you to get off work, & I thought of things that we could do that we didn't usually do. By us doing something different, I was thinking along the lines of cooking our own dinner or going for a drive or something. not breaking up. & I hate how that never even crosses my mind, but it's the first thing to come to yours.

I want to cry like a child. with the screaming & the yelling & nonstop flow of tears & the not holding back. I want to scream & cry until I'm tired & can't anymore.

But I have work in 3 hours, & if i did that, I would be an absolute mess.

I am the ugliest crier though. & jesus christ the area under my eyes stings so bad.

I don't know what to do :'(

New chapter

So here I go, out into "the world" (well, every day life I suppose) kind of alone in the sense that I don't have casual friends & I lost my boyfriend & (kind of) best friend (if I think about it) in one blow. But I guess I was too accepting, or too oblivious, with our lack of relationship. I was kind of alright with only seeing him once, maybe twice a week. I mean, I'm busy (well, not so much lately since my hours have been cut a little) & I know he's busy & I was okay with that. I don't know, I just had way too much hope for it. & I've kind of always sort of felt that I liked him more than he liked me, like I would always be a little more willing to give up something for him. I mean, not give up entirely, but things like making alternative plans for myself, & I didn't mind, it was what I wanted to do.

I can't write anymore.

Hospital visit

So yesterday I woke up with this intense chest pain. I pretty much couldn't walk around without clutching at my left boob in hopes of ripping out my heart. It actually still hurts a little bit, but at least I can walk/open my chest. It's more like an invisible bruise--just sore to the touch.

But yesterday my dad took me to the ER & I was there for a few hours. They did an EKG, pee test, (a pregnancy test?) & an x-ray. The doctor said that I probably have Costochondritis, which is inflamed rib cartilage.. or something like that.

"Costochondritis is a condition that causes chest pain due to inflammation of the cartilage and bones in the chest wall. Also called Tietze's Syndrome, costochondritis occurs when there is inflammation at the junction of the rib bone and breastbone (sternum). At this junction, there is cartilage joining these bones. This cartilage can become irritated and inflamed. Depending on the extent of the inflammation, costochondritis can be quite painful."

Oh, & Obama was elected president, which is pretty cool. I mean, to be honest, I voted for McCain, even though I kind of knew that Obama would win anyway, but this could be really cool. Hopefully things work out with the us & the rest of the world though. Israel: please dont drop a bomb on anyone. & I really hope that Obama doesn't pull all of the troops out right away. I mean, that would look soooo incredibly weak & make us vurnerable to another hit. I just wouldn't want us to end up with another war, in trying to end one.

It's getting late. I miss Forrest =/ We're supposed to hang out tomorrow, but I'm helping out with a shift till 5:30 & he doesn't get off until 7. So, probably not till 9 that we actually get together. I think we might need to do something new. Or maybe it's just me.. maybe I need to do something new for myself, but things (everything) have been so bland lately. I feel like I lost my ability to get excited & surprised. I'll find it though. It can't have gotten too far away.

I lost my sense of direction

"Thinking 'I'm better than that' & then finding out I'm actually not" seems to be a recurring theme.

Jesus Christ are schools expensive--the good ones that I'd actually want to go to, at least. I feel more & more left out on my own when it comes to paying for school. How am I supposed to pay for programs that cost $20,000-81,00o+? But I'm so tired of settling for less. I want to be excited for going to school for interior design, but I can't when I'm obviously dealing with the crap scraps of school options. Are junior colleges even really accredited schools? I'm going to go with probably not. I feel like a bitch for being so picky. Who am I to say that I deserve better? I think in a perfect, money-less world, I'd be going to The Art Institute. I mean, that's what comes to mind when I think of interior design classes... with a well stocked work room, & studio classrooms, & legit design teachers with projects that relate to what I want to learn about.

And I'm tired of going to school with 40 year old people. Seriously, going from one community college to another is starting to give me a really grim outlook on life. Like I'm destined to always aim & be second rate. I don't want to look at myself that way. For some reason I've always thought I was better than that. I'm torn in two. There's one side of me that's letting go & trying to just accept the reality of things, & then there's the other side that keeps pushing & demanding & expecting something better. And they argue with each other. Maybe I'm really split into three pieces. The third one sits in the middle & listens while the other two tug on each arm, trying to win the majority.

I just want to be in a place where I can be inspired & driven to learn more. But the longer I wait for something.. the more I learn to live without it. If the chance comes too late, it just won't feel relevant--like trying to resurrect something that died a long time ago. I don't want that to happen. I mean, it's kind of already started with the giving up/sacrificing/redirecting of plans, but it's not totally gone.. yet.

But still, it all comes down to money, which I'm constantly reminded that I don't have.
*Tuition for Interior Design*
Art Institute: $6,000/quarter 120-180 credits ($54,360+/81,540+)
WSU: $3,360/10-18credits, 80 credits undergrad? (something might be off)
Cornish: $25,300/12-18credits, 122 credits
BCC: $159.55/credit, 161 credits ($25,687+)
Clover Park: $49.71/credit, 124 credits ($6,164+)
Highline: $75.80/credit, 90 credits ($6,822+)


:(

If I were to take a drive tonight

I would have the best playlist to keep me company. But no, I'm so lame that after I go through all the trouble of getting properly dressed, hand-picking each song to fit the mood I was in, & patiently waiting for it to burn/sync together... now I'm too tired. -_-

The above mentioned playlist consists of:

1) I can feel a hot one - Manchester Orchestra
2) Cast a hook - Laura Viers
3) Elephant gun - Beirut
4) I won't be left - Tegan & Sara
5) Lake Michigan - Rouge Wave
6) Numb - Barcelona
7) The outsiders - Athlete
8) Sometime around midnight - Airborne Toxic Event
9) Such great heights - The Postal Service
10) You're a wolf - Sea wolf
11) Quiet as a mouse - Margot and the Nuclear So & So's
12) Your legs grow - Nada Surf
13) No one's gonna love you - Band of Horses
14) Don't panic - Coldplay
15) See these bones - Nada Surf
16) You don't know me - Ben Folds w/ Regina Spektor
17) Jen is bringin the drugs - Margot and the Nuclear So & So's
18) Skeleton key - Margot and the Nuclear So & So's
19) Always love - Nada Surf
20) Boy with a coin - Iron & Wine

Music is probably the best company I can get (at this hour, & probably at all--no, for sure at all). Though, I think I might have to start journaling again because I've got a ton of thoughts that really need to get out & laying on the floor while draining out to music can only get me so far. My list of people to really talk to seems to of hit an all-time low, & so I must resort to new/other ways to fix my broken mind.

Lappytoptop

Long story short, I got a new laptop, took it with me to Seattle, & played around with the webcam while on the ferry with Kim & Anthony.

So much can change in one weekend.

Nothing is ever really yours to keep.

_

No pictures, just words.

I'm feeling pretty shitty right about now, & I didn't accomplish a whole lot today. All I have to show for today is a band-aid over my Gardasil shot, a completed Guitar Hero game, and painted shoes that give me a mixture of feelings. Those said mixture of feelings being happy (that I finished them), sad (that they weren't done in time), pissed (that I wont even be giving them to him myself & because I worked so hard on them), and sad (because I feel that my hard work kind of has gone to waste & wont really get the credit and direct response that it deserves).
I haven't finished uploading all of my Oregon trip pictures. So, after I get around to doing that, I'll be able to edit & upload them, & them blog about my time there. There's actually a ton of things I want to talk about right now, but honestly, painting those shoes has totally worn me out, & all I can do is sigh and go to bed.

-_-

The Plan

The plan is that I have no plan.

Well, sorta. I'm not ready to make a life defining decision when I haven't experienced life yet. I'm going to get my Associates Degree first (that's one thing I have that's certain), but then after that, I think I'm going to "cool down" with school, and the pressure to figure my life out. I don't even know who I am right now, how can I plan a future for myself? School takes a lot of commitment and I can't give my 100% (to a program) unless I have a lot of confidence. I actually enjoy the learning process, and it's not something I want to rush through just to get a letter grade out of. I want things to actually stick and sink in. I want to be able to take what I've learned and be able to apply them to different aspects of my life. Everyone always says that at this age we're young, dumb, naive, and immature. Why would you trust us to make the biggest decision of our lives right now? There's more than one right way to do something, and I feel that the best thing for me to do right now (and by "right now" I mean after I get my AA) is to explore my options. Maybe taking a quarter, or 2, or year off from school (and just working full time) will help me realize what I want to do. Maybe I'll realize that "my place" is to be at school, or that it's just not the right time to be at school and continue working. I still want to take like 1 class while I work full time though, just to keep my brain going. But things I want to take/learn, things I'm curious about, things that'll help me find out more about myself and my world around me--but at my own pace, and without the pressure of a program (and "YOU NEED A 3.7 OR BETTER OR YOU MIGHT AS WELL AS GIVE UP ON LIFE AND START OVER YOU FAIL!"). I feel that this is the time in my life where I need to realize that I'm my own person, my life is my life, and that I am the one who's in control.

That's the plan.

Yep, we're good.

This is the best "right now" picture of me that I can do (that's me laying my bed with my arm draped over the side, if you can't tell) because that's actually really where I want to be right now. But I can't. Nope. I can't sleep. I tired. And I've just been exhaaaaaaaausted since I got home from taking my grandma to Port Angeles and back. (I'm really glad Forrest came along with me though :D) But for some reason, I just can't take a nap, as much as I'd like/love/need to, I can't. I just lie (lay?) there forever, while Kung Pao Prawns slops around my digestive system. Oh. Maybe it's all that coke I just drake right before I came down to my room. But caffeine usually doesn't have any affect on me at all anymore. I'm pretty sure with how often I down it into my system, I'm nearly immune to it's powers. Maybe I just underestimated the strength of a liter? Well OBVIOUSLY, idiot, YOU CAN'T SLEEP! Ready for one of the most horrible sounding things ever? I'm pretty sure I have a drinking problem, I'm addicted to coke, and my god do I love it. haha :)

False alarm. It was just the Gardasil.

I'm really sleepy. I have a lot of paintings to work on, but it would be so much better if I could just get like 30 minutes in. That's allll I want.....

"I'm looking at your face and I just want to smash it."

That picture's from yesterday. I didn't feel like taking a new one.

I just watched Punch Drunk Love at Kim's house, and I'm certain that I am incapable of having a "dirty" conversation with anyone. Maybe that's just how the crazies do it, but seriously, I could never say something like "I want to chew off your face and suck on your eyeballs." No. I'm not seeing how it's physically possible to get off on something like that. And really, when you call someone for phone sex, do they really say "Are you stroking it?", because I personally couldn't say that without snorting afterwards. I guess I'm just not cut out to be an "Audio Erotic Performer" (phrased by Wikipedia). There goes that career path.

Today was an interesting day. An emotionally interesting day. Going from scared, confused, uncertain, shameful, and quiet, to laughing, hugging, kissing, smiling, happy, and relieved. Gardasil throws off your schedule, apparently. I'm hoping that's the case. I'm pretty sure it is. To be on the safe side, we're giving it a few days before we "check". aaaaaand enough about that.


My grandma wants me to drive her out to Port Angeles tomorrow so that she can go to the Goodwill. Are you kidding me? It's Goodwill! Apparently it's a "really good one", (in comparison to all the nearby ones, I guess) and my grandma refuses to go to any other. I don't even know what she's looking for. The last time she wanted to go there, she wanted an extension cord. She wanted to go all the way to Port Angeles for an extension cord. If a "good" Goodwill existed, I would assume it would be in Seattle. You know, the bigger city, with a bigger store, more people, and oh yeah, it's a little closer too. At least she's giving me $50? It doesn't really count for much though, considering the gas prices now. That'll cover the tank. I don't know how I'll pass the time while she's poking around the store though. Maybe I'll paint by the the waterfront. That's my favorite place ever in Port Angeles. I used to go there all the time when I needed to get away from Port Orchard. Maybe Forrest can come with me :)


Bed time!

I need more moments like this:

This was from when my cousins came over.

"I can ride your mom with no handlebars"

hahaha, probably the funnest thing I heard yesterday.

So, no, this isn't a "right now" picture of me, but whatever. The webcam is frozen and isn't completely opened, but wont completely close now. [LAME!] and I really don't want to reboot the compy. Not yet, anyway. I'll have to recap since it's been a while from my last post.

- The beach was great! We ended up going to Long Lake and cooking some veggie hotdogs :)

- My cousins came over that weekend. Sierra's birthday was the upcoming Monday, so we all went to Silverdale to eat at Olive Garden and shop around at the mall. On the way back home we stopped by the Port Orchard waterfront/marina and took some pictures. It was perfect out :)

-Tusday night (maybe?) Forrest came over and... well, I have reason to celebrate. ;) It took me all of the next day to fully realize it, but I have reason. (that's when my into blog picture took place)

-Thursday I had an interview at Desert Sun tanning salon in PO. I really hope I get the job. I mean, not only do I hate Buckle the more I think about it, but Jesus Christ, have you seen the gas prices lately? $4+ / gallon. That's ridiculous! I think I may start biking around. I want to cute cruiser bicycle though... with a basket. :)

-Yesterday Forrest and I went to the Folklife festival. It was fun :) I love Folklife! We ate Kenyan food (I had some delicious vegetable curry), walked around to see some tent shops, listened to some music, watched belly dancers (& I'm now adding that to this year's possible Halloween costume), and then I just had to have a caramel apple with m&ms. I couldn't finish it or anything, but ohhhh man was it worth the slightly sick feeling and tummy ache afterwards! I would totally eat that again. In fact... I kind of feel like making some of that today/tonight. My apples would be cut though. I tell ya, it's a bitch to bite into a sticky apple covered in hard candies. Again, I didn't take that many pictures (like 2? one of the needle, one of the fountain. Both of which I already have somewhere on my compy. None of Forrest and I, again. damnit veronica! Stop being lame!) Still a very good time though. That boy is far too nice to me. I absolutely love it :)

-Today looks fucking AMAZING out and I've decided to not go out at all. Why am I so backwards like that? I just feel like taking it easy today, since we didn't get home until about midnight last night. I did get to photoshopping the pictures from the waterfront (with my cousins) a little, and I want to work on my room a bit. I need to (FINALLY) put up my art on the walls, things on my bulletin board, & hang up my clothes. I should paint a bit, too. I could get a lot of work done with this long weekend.

To the beach!

Forrest & I are going to the beach! And we're going to have a picnic! :D I'm so excited for this; it's going to be so much fun! The sky's cleared up now (it was totally ugly about an hour ago) and it's perfect beach weather :) I'm totally dressed like a summer-time skanky whore too! I've got my "summer shorts" on (you know, the pair of shorts that I have 3 of, in different colors, and refuse to wear or buy any other) and they're so short that a few of the shirts that I tried on with it were actually longer than them. And, to top it off, I've got a tremendously low cut tie halter (with low cut swimming suit halter underneath) and the girls are definitely out to play--and get half tan. haha

I have no idea where we're going to go, so hopefully Forrest does (but I have a feeling that he wont and we'll just end up driving until we see a sign for a park with beach access or something).

He should be getting off from school right about now, which may or may not mean that we should be leaving soon. My cousins are coming over for the weekend (for Sierra's birthday). I need to make my room look clean. My room is where everyone usually ends up sleeping when we all get together.

Something's not working.

I kind of want to rip my hair out.

Either I am a bitter bitch to the bone, or just about everyone today gave me a reason to feel bitter towards them. (Sounds like it could be bad PMS, but I don't think it's that time. I'll have to check that iWoman thing on Forrest's phone.) Maybe it was just a bad start in the morning. I'm a pretty solid believer that mornings can predict the rest of your (my) day. Of course it's in your (my) head; the way your (my) mood starts out in the morning can effect the way you (I) interpret things, reactions, expectations... Anyway, I had a shitty morning, thus I had a shitty day. I pretty much spent my entire day being either really pissed off or really disappointed. I think doing a recap of which things made me feel what would be pointless, so I'm not going to.

I need to get away for a little bit, re-organize my head, get my priorities straight, get away from my friends, do something different, be productive, feel special... I know it's just me feeling incredibly lame today, but my friends kind of made me feel a little worthless today. :( I was really looking forward to getting out and away from my house (where the lame day originated from) but I didn't really get the happy balance I was looking for. I know I'm capable of fixing myself, but I've become so tired of doing that :( I guess I kind of want to always be able to depend on someone else, but I remember why we (I'm talking to myself, about myself at this point) don't give our 100% out. I really do need to recollect myself. I'm feeling a little teary. =/

Maybe it's time to shift gears back to focusing on myself. It's a little lonelier perhaps, but that way anything else (company, conversation, plans) would just be a bonus. I'm not exactly looking forward to that idea. Maybe it's not the right one then.

Something's not working.

seriously?

I can't believe I just wasted all this time doing a survey. Better here than a myspace bulletin, though. Kim's the only one who even really gives a shit to read things like this, so I think I'm in the clear as far as personal answers "getting out".

This blog doesn't have any pictures :( BUT! I promise after this weekend I'll have some good stuff. The plan is to hopefully go out to the beach on Friday (please be 86 degrees out), (and over the course of the rest of the weekend) dinner/movie/shopping with my cousins, and maybe Seattle? Good stuff, I hope.

On a side note, today the power went out. TOTALLY lame, especially since I was in the middle of filling out an electronic application @ Albertsons.

I'm sleepy :(

Se7en Deadly Sins
Lust: Obsessive and Excessive Sexual Desires and Perversions
lust's passion will be served...
What do you lust after most?:	lust itself?
Do people lust after you?:	maybe
Can you control your urges?:	most of the time
What turns you on the most?:	aggressiveness
Are people disgusted or scared of what turns you on?:	I think I've got pretty normal turn ons
Whats the sexiest part of a partner's body?:	eyes, lips, hands, hair
Have you had sex with someone who you weren't in love with?:	I've had sex with someone I wasn't in love with anymore.
Were you underage when you first had sex?:	well, I was under 18
Whats the biggest age gap been with a person you've slept with?:	a few days less than a year
Have you had sex more than 3 times in one day?:	No, but I wonder if I could..
Have you had sex with more than one person in the same week?:	no
Have you ever cheated on someone?:	not cool, never.
Has anyone ever cheated on you?:	I think so
Do you enjoy sex?:	:)
Do people enjoy having sex with you?:	I would hope so, though he does most of the work.
Do you enjoy kissing?:	yes :)
Are you a good kisser?:	Yes, but I'm only as good as the person I'm kissing. We could use more tongue.
Have you ever had a sexual ecounter with a member of the same sex?:	defintely not
Do you lust after people of both sexes?:	nope
What qualities in a person do you lust after?:	he's gotta be sweet, smart, and different
What looks do you lust after?:	dark hair, dark eyes, cool hair.
What people do you lust after?:	Forrest, and attractive movie stars. (haha)
Are you in love with anyone and do they love you?:	we don't really talk about it
When and who was the last person to tell you they loved you?:	erm.. that is a good question.
The lustful are burnt in fire and brimstone, can you stand the flames?:	I've got a heated room and 4 blankets. I can live through anything.
Greed: Selfish Desire of Excess, Denying Those In Need
the love of money is the root of all evil...
Do you crave wealth?:	not excessive wealth
Or are you already wealthy?:	my lack of work leaves me more on the broke-ass side.
Do you spend money on only yourself?:	no, I love spending money in ways that other people benefit too.
Are you selfish with your money?:	not really
Have you ever spent an extortionate amount of money on yourself?:	probably on clothes a few times.
Whats your most valuable possession?:	my car
Would you lie for money?:	sure, why not?
Would you sell your body for money?:	HAHA (this reminds me of a conversation from the other night) nah, that's too low for me.
Would you sell your soul for money?:	way ahead of you
Would you marry for money?:	I joke around about that, but when it comes down to it, no.
Would you kill for money?:	hitmen ARE pretty rich...
Do you crave power?:	in little ways
Do you crave fame?:	no
The truth: Love or Money?:	love
Do you fear poverty?:	no, I've got a safety net and a plan.
Do you care about those in poverty?:	eh, sorta, I guess.
Do you think you deserve fortune more than others?:	I probably don't deserve anything.
Do you give money to those less fortunate than yourself?:	no
Are you greedy?:	not really
Those who suffer greed are boiled alive in rich oil, will you be burnt?:	is it evoo?
Gluttony: The Over-indulgence in Food, Liquor and other Intoxicants
gluttony is an emotional escape, a sign something is eating us...
Do you eat more than you should?:	god, probably.
Do you think about eating more than you should?:	no, I end up throwing up if I over-do it.
Do you eat 3 meals or more a day?:	2-3
Are you overweight?:	I don't think so
Are your eyes bigger than your stomach?:	wtf?
Do you eat for emotional pleasure?:	sometimes
What do you indulge in?:	pasta
Whats your favourite food?:	pastaaaa
Whats your favourite drink?:	coke
Do you drink too much alcohol?:	Actually, I haven't had a drink in a long time.
How much alcohol do you drink?:	my body can handle quite a bit after what I've put it through.
Do you over-do it when you drink?:	If it's been a while, but I can feel my limits.
Do you take intoxicants?:	as a social thing
Have you ever been addicted to anything?:	coka-cola
Do you know when enough is enough?:	yes
Do you crave chocolate?:	not a whole lot
When you see something you want will you get it?:	YES
Are you demanding?:	I can be
Would you give up a meal to feed someone starving?:	yes
Do you prefer food over other forms of satisfaction?:	heh, no
Do you eat more for pleasure or hunger?:	I find pleasure in satisfying hunger.
What would your last meal consist of?:	amazingggg spaghetti :)
Those who are gluttinous are force-fed snakes and rats, can you stomach it?:	gah, pass.
Wrath: Uncontrollable Hatred and Perversions of Revenge and Spite
and the fire shall devour them...
How often are you angry?:	no
Are you hateful?:	I can say mean things, but in general, no.
Do you hate for no reason?:	There's always a reason
Is your anger intense?:	yes
Do you believe in revenge?:	sometimes
What would you take revenge for?:	things that hit close to heart
Are you scared of pain?:	yeah
Would you cause pain to others?:	if they're trying to cause me pain first
Would you die for another?:	that's a really hard question
Are you compassionate?:	yes
Do you feel Love or Hate more?:	love
Do you want to hurt someone either emotionally or physically?:	if I had to choose, emotionally.
Do you condone racism or sexism, or are you yourself one of the two?:	I'm neither?
What makes you angry?:	seperate and unrelated: a particular guy and a particular girl
Do you argue with loved ones?:	family
Do you raise your voice often?:	with family, that can happen
Are you generally content with the people around you?:	yes
Do you take pleasure in others pain?:	no
Would you go out of your way to cause someone harm?:	no
Do you lose your control easily or can you be patient?:	I can be patient
If someone does something to anger you will you let them know?:	yes
Are you calm or erratic?:	calm
Those who are wrathful will suffer bodily dismemberment, can you walk away?:	I think so, if you don't count those a few people.. =X haha
Sloth: Extreme Apathy and Laziness, Wasting Life Away
for satan finds some mischief still for idle hands to do...
Are you very inactive?:	yes :(
Do you exercise regularly?:	no :(
Do you get tired easily?:	yes :(
Have you fallen asleep in class?:	in the past
Do you lie-in in bed?:	yes?
Did someone have to wake you up today?:	the alarm did
Are you incapable of feeling strong emotion?:	no
Are you indifferent to anything?:	there are a few things
Do you enjoy relaxing?:	yes
How often do you do absolutely nothing?:	more often than i should
Whats your favourite way to spend a 'lazy day'?:	video games, being outside, watching house
Is there something that you want to do but you arent motivated enough?:	work out :(
How much motivation do you have?:	it depends on the situation
Do you walk anywhere on a daily basis?:	not DAILY, but if the walk to/from the bus in seattle/bellevue counts for anything...
Have you been meaning to get in contact with someone but havent?:	maybe my brother
Are you good at keeping in contact with people?:	eh, depends
Do you answer your phone?:	yes
How many hours of tv do you watch a day?:	I don't watch a whole lot of tv
Those who suffer sloth are thrown into the snake pit, will you get bitten?:	eh, probably
Envy: Jealousy and Desire for Another's Possessions or Qualities
do not be envious of evil men, nor desire to be with them...
Are you a jealous person?:	not really, but I can be
Do you make partners jealous?:	I have, but not intentionally
How do you react to their jealousy?:	I'm surprised and aplogize.
Whats one thing you wish you had of one of your friend's?:	I can't think of anything.
Whats one thing you wish you could do better?:	be better looking/take better care of myself
Do you disregard others talent if you feel you lack talent yourself?:	no way, I give people the credit they deserve :)
What are you jealous of?:	If I have to have an answer... looks, ability to spend money
Are you jealous of many people?:	no
Has anyone been jealous of you?:	I don't really know
What trait do you see in others which you most want in yourself?:	The people I choose to have around me all have qualities that would want in myself.
Are you content with your life?:	yes
Are you more envious of wealth, talent, popularity or looks?:	probably looks
What celebrity's looks would you like for your own?:	I just watched awake, so probably Jessica Alba.
Have you ever truly loved someone?:	yes
The eyes of the envious will be sewn together, will you be able to see?:	maybe out of one eye
Pride: To Think Of Oneself as More Than Another
no one ever choked to death swallowing his pride...
What are you most proud of?:	The way I know myeslf.
Can you say sorry?:	yes
Do you thrive off compliments?:	I think I need them every now and then.
Do you want to be anyone other than yourself?:	no
Are you happy with the way you are?:	yes
Do you think you're attractive or intelligent?:	at least a little
Are you full of yourself?:	no
Do you love yourself?:	yeah
Would you date someone who wasn't aesthetically pleasing?:	I do have to be attracted to them in some way.
Honestly: Do looks matter?:	honestly, yeah.
Do you have to be the best?:	not the VERY best, but above average
Do you look in the mirror a lot?:	I have to admit, I do glance at my reflection every now and then. Just to make sure things are under control.
Whats one of your best qualities?:	Well, I've gotten compliments on my style, eyes, hair, legs, and boobs. There's an ego boost.
Whats one of your worst qualities?:	I think I'm pudgy :(
Those who are full of Pride will be broken on the wheel, can you get up?:	I think so. or.. what do I know.

It's worth a try.

I suppose it's about time that I have a public blog. Although, I'm sure "public blog" is just way of saying "pleeeeease creep on me". We'll see how well this goes though. I'm aiming for this to be more of a like-photo blog more than a "here's inside my head" blog. Most of the things I keep in my head are in there for a reason, and will go to their appropriate place if they need to get out (aka "the secret blog). [And no, you will not find it, so don't even try!] Back to the point of me creating this... photo blog! Since I got my camera back I've been taking a lot of pictures and I think there should be some kind of public proof that I actually did something with my day. Plus, all those embarrassing pictures that I (creepily) take of everyone else needs a public home. (gah, to be honest, I'm kind of just blabbing to get around this goddamned picture so that I can start a new paragraph with a new picture.) Bleh, my mouth tastes like cigarettes.

Today's blog features:

Kimberlie Forrest Emelio ME

So, Tuesday was the "R U on the list" show thing with Ludo, The Lonely Forest, and Tennis Pro. We (Kim, Forrest, Emelio, and I) stopped at Emelio's place in Kent before the show. Kent's a cute place and I just loooove tiny little houses. And I love neighborhoods with houses that totally look different from the one next to it. It reminds me of living in Illinois.

Of course Kim and I camera whored a little. I'm telling you, the ability to control the lighting settings on the camera is an amazing thing. Just look at that color! It looks like it's a wonderful, nice, sunny day! Is it?! Noooo, that's just the "cloudy" option on the camera! Really though, it's a great thing. :)

We ended up hanging out in front of Emelio's house for a while, watching a (Chamorro? Guamanian? Whatever, brown. How's that?) family playing volleyball with their shirts off. I don't know how they were doing it; it was goddamned freezing outside. Oh, and we had some argument about how (plug in) lawn mowers and vacuum cleaners were/were not related to each other. I'm pretty sure I won with the THEY ARE KIND OF LIKE THE SAME THING! Yes, I know vacuum cleaning do not have blades. But, "Bristles are to vacuums as blades are to _____." LAWN MOWERS! They're similar. See it? Yeah, I do.












I think we got to Seattle about 8 or so, which meant that we had an hour to kill before the show started. We ate food :) There was this cute pizza place right across the street from Chop Suey that we decided to stop at. We ordered a Veggie Pizza :) I absolutely love it people do something a differently just for me. Really though, like, it just puts a smile on my face.











I just think it's really lame when people are assholes about the fact that I don't eat meat. Get over it. It's nothing new. (I'm thinking of a particular self-ruining, back-stabbing bitch when I say this) but I just hate it when "people" try to get me to eat meat, and just say stupid things. Like, "why can't you be normal?" or "you're missing out on this." No, actually I'm not missing anything. And then my favorite is when I'll be like "Hey, try some of these vegetables/tofu/soy-something" and "they're" like "Eww, no. Gross." Your face is gross, I hate you, so shut up. Oh jeez, I didn't mean to get myself into a rant. BACK ON TRACK!

Tennis Pro played first. I didn't like them. Actually, I'm pretty sure we all didn't like them. They've got a cute concept, calling themselves "Tennis Pro" and then wearing preppy outfits on stage, but I just don't really dig their music. When everyone's playing random things at the same time, it just kind of sounds like noise. Sorry boys. Kim and I kept looking at each other with "are they seriously playing this?" expressions on our faces. (I asked Kim to show me what her "face while watching Tennis Pro" was. That's it to the left.) Oh yeah, and one of Emelio is his version of a creepin' on sort of stare. Haha, oh, I have funny friends.


The Lonely Forrest played second and I loooooooooooved them. Oh man, I was so excited to see them play. (I can tell you I definitely wasn't there for Ludo) They started their set off with "We Sing in Time" and it was ASDFALIEWJOAIENJ!@#$ amazing. Even more so live. I like their band, and they're only a 3-piece. That's impressive, especially for how great they sound. I'm pretty much in love with singer guy's voice (and ability to belt out while playing piano) and with bass player's face. (But he's blonde! I know, how weird. I don't usually dig the blondies.) I bought the very last demo of their's for $3 instead of 5. :) Thank you The Lonely Forest. I love youu.

We left 2 songs into Ludo's set. Kim had a midnight curfew.

On a semi-personal note, I really like going out to places with Forrest. I'm still surprised by how nice he is to me. Not that I don't think he's capable to being nice, it's just.. it's always a nice, appreciative surprise to be treated like that. But I like going to places with him. I've been trying to work on being out in public and around friends while with Forrest. It's always been (in the past) kind of a weird thing to try and balance who I am when I'm dating someone and who I am with my friends (or to the rest of the world). After talking with the girls a few weeks back, my new mental project is to combine those two (different) sides of me. It's been really great though, because now I can have that fun, carefree, silly, comfortable side with someone who makes me giddy at the same time. :)

I'm tired of trying to edit this stupid thing. Here's The Lonely Forest.